Not Here to Make Friends

"How Often Do You Walk Your Dog, Huh?"

2011-10-04T22:06:00.010-04:00

JOEY: You know what I mean! What time of day? How many times a week?

"I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders plays in the background.

Joey makes her first, but not last ladder escape. Dawson bangs his head on a Spielberg poster. He runs to his window and scream after her.

DAWSON: Usually in the morning, with Katie Couric.

As of late, I have had a serious urge to watch Dawson's Creek, beginning with the pilot from which the above is excerpted. And now that its creator Kevin Williamson and its star James Van Der Beek are having a Twitter exchange, I can hardly keep my circa 1998 American Eagle Outfitters chinos on in excitement.

This is me right now (but slightly less creepy):

I'll Drink to That

2011-08-28T19:28:00.000-04:00

My only gripe with Rihanna's "Cheers" is that it wasn't released as a single early enough in the summer for me to complete abuse it my T.G.I.F.-enthused anthem. (Note: I had yet to find one that matched the lyrics of R. Kelly's remix to "Ignition:" "Sippin' on coke and rum/ I'm like, 'So what, I'm drunk?' / It's the freakin' weekend, baby/ I'm about to have me some fun.")

Really though, Rihannald McDonald's song (and its recently-released accompanying video) is amazing for many reasons:

1) She mentions not only the glory of the 2000 LeAnn Rimes cinematic vehicle, but also it's forgotten smizing star: "It's getting Coyote Ugly up in here/ No Tyra."

b) She subtly references one of Jersey Shore's favorite vocabulary words and the cast's tendency to quickly turn fist pumping into a less friendly use of a clenched hand: "Everybody's vibin' so don't nobody start a fight."

III) The fact that she's able to turn Avril Lavigne's "I'm With You" into something listenable allows me to ignore the song's not-so "hella cool" Ray-Ban product placement.

Quatro) She understands the unfortunate liquidly courageous act of opening a tab: "Put it all on my card tonight, yeah/ Might be mad in the morning, but you know we goin' hard tonight."

5) The video is the perfect illustration of her ability to be incredibly personable and appreciative of her fans in a genuine way.

This brings me to something I've noticed throughout the summer as my favorite site has been posting pictures from touring pop stars' meet-and-greets with fans.

RiRi is clearly comfortable getting close with her fans on her "Loud" tour:

Arguably, too close:

Britney Spears, on the other hand, who is currently on the "Femme Fatale" tour, isn't quite so keen on the touchy-feely photos because, as her song "Hot As Ice" states, she's a "living legend/ You can look, but don't touch."

Still, no one handles the fandamonium quite like Luke Perry...

I have just one question, Dylan... "Are we having fun yet?"

Segregation Never, Integration Now

2011-08-28T16:41:00.005-04:00

Considering how much shit Hollywood gets for poor (or no) representation of minorities on screen, I could not help but notice this obvious racial split in the advertising for ABC's upcoming Charlie's Angels.

Where are Hairspray's Lil' Inez, Seaweed, Tracy Turnblad, and, of course, Motormouth Maybelle when you need them?

"Two, four, six, eight. TV's got to integrate!"

Someone's Been Following in Jimmy Dugan's Footsteps

2009-06-01T12:41:00.009-04:00

And not necessarily in his sage advice to avoid the clap.

Lori Petty, better known as A League of Their Own's Kit Keller or the whale whisperer in Free Willy, has obviously been hitting the bottle since rocketing into mid 90s, family film superstardom. On Saturday night, the now 45-year-old actress was arrested on felony drunk driving charges after hitting a 14-year-old skateboarder in Venice.

Clearly, the former Rockford Peach lost her touch with adolescent males and presumably, sea creatures.

Petty was booked at Van Nuys jail, but eventually released on $100,000 bail. I'm going to go ahead and assume she's been dipping into Keiko's memorial fund because honestly, where the eff would she come up with that kind of money?

Unless...

Seriously, Kit... lay off the high ones.

An L7 Weenie... Oscar Mayer Even

2009-05-13T14:24:00.007-04:00

While Smalls might have been the metaphorical killer in The Sandlot, another player on the team has turned out to be far more violent than even The Beast himself. And shockingly, it's not Squints.

Marty York, who played Alan McClennan, better known as Yeah-Yeah, was charged with one count of felony domestic battery after an incident with his girlfriend that took place on Easter Sunday.

Though Mr. York claims he hit his ladyfriend in self defense while trying to drive home from a nightclub (which is my favorite place to celebrate Christ's rising, too), the couple is apparently back together post bust.

Well, obviously. Abuse withstanding, who could say no to those perfectly coiffed eyebrows and gel-defined widow's peak? I personally can't wait to see him in My New Fuckin' Haircut: Uncensored Prison Edition. HAWWWWWWWTTTTTTT!

Stalkward: Swine-i Edition

2009-04-29T15:46:00.005-04:00

After watching Hilary Duff's admittedly mildly impressive Gone Baby Gone-inspired performance on Law and Order: SVU last night, I, for some unholy reason, subjected myself to the reportage on the latest in the disease formerly known as Swine Flu. Though I learned absolutely nothing about H1N1 from Sue Simmons and Chuck Scarborough, I was shocked to see the milieu of Manhattan residents (albeit, largely Asian) now donning face masks and wondered who the eff actually thinks those less-than-a-centimeter thick pieces of paper defend against the powers of an illness fatal enough to kill a Mexican infant. Low and behold, I found these photos of Speidi...

Here are the newlywed Pratts on a pre-honeymoon (no, I have no idea what that is) trip to the birthplace of the newest flu strain, despite VP Biden's sound travel warning. I'm pretty sure kissing those lips and breathing in the fine Cabo San Mucus air would be deadly in most circumstances, but these two impossible to kill off... much like another mask-wearer from the classic Scream film series.

Presently Progressing

2009-04-24T14:29:00.010-04:00

The genius minds behind Channing Tatum's new film, which shockingly has nothing to do with hip-hop dancing from what I can discern, are revolutionizing film nomenclature history as the movie hits theaters this weekend.

No longer will you have to ask your friends, "What's that about again?" upon entering your nearest cineplex because now, the title will make it as clear as day.

Using a highly advanced generator, I've also renamed today's newest releases and other movies dominating the current Top 10.

May I present...

Samantha Parkington Resurrected

2009-04-21T20:53:00.030-04:00

The blondest people on the planet are trying to cover their asses ever since Lauren Conrad announced she would not be returning for another season of Not Eating At Restaurants While Staring and Smirking and Eventually Crying Black Tears also known as The Hills. Though Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have managed to occupy some of their newfound free time increasing the size of certain body parts and/or shaving other parts, they're apparently moving on to a world quite different from the one they've known... by casting a new reality show.

AMERICAN GIRLS CASTING

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag (MTV’s “THE HILLS”) are producing a brand new reality television show, and are searching for outgoing, attractive females to star on the show.

If you're over 18, have a dynamic personality, and are interested in traveling, email the following information to americangirlscasting@gmail.com.

1. Name and age

2. Contact Information (Phone Number and email)

3. Current Picture(s)

4. Three words that describe yourself.

So if any of your are looking to make it big, maybe Heidi and Spencer can help you out.

I'd imagine their top five contestants will look something like these five lovely ladies.

1.
Think Jessica of Laguna Beach: Seasons 2 & 3

2.
Think Bre of America's Next Top Model: Cycle 5

3.Think Wendy Pepper of Project Runway: Season 1

4.
Think Megan Hauserman of Rock of Love: Season 2, I Love Money, Rock of Love: Charm School and Beauty and The Geek: Season 3 (I mean.... Huh? What? Who put that there? Who would watch all five seasons of that show?)

5.

Think Brooke of Real World: Denver

What better way to see the retired old gals back in action?

Fashion Weak: Socks and Scandals

2009-04-21T19:53:00.009-04:00

I have never hidden my detestation of Chloe Sevigny (whose umlaut I've omitted because a) it's obnoxious and b) I don't know how to type it into this trusty blogger format without the assistance of Microsoft Word's "Insert Symbol" feature). Not only do I not understand how one film role and one TV role are enough to sustain such a level of fame, I also do not understand why Vogue continues to worship the ground she walks on monthly, especially when she's walking in these bad boys...

No, your eyes are not deceiving you; that would be the "it" girl herself stomping around Coachella Music Festival in white ankle socks and brown Teva-like sandals, something most people over the age of seven consider a crime against humanity only their fathers would commit or an attempt form the Orthodox Jewish community to participate in summer fashion. But what could make this worse?

Black socks. I fear (slash secretly hope) that we'll next see her sporting a fanny pack around that floral dress and croakies attached to her Ray-Bans.

Just Dance, Dance, Dance... Until You Die!

2009-04-20T18:08:00.006-04:00

I may have criticized Lady GaGa's fashion plagiarism on a previous occasion, but upon seeing this photo of the pantsless wonder wandering around London with her precious tea cup that she'd left at a restaurant...

...I was truly horrified and not only because she obviously stole Yoko's glasses and one of the "very expensive" hats Vivian Ward purchased on Rodeo Drive with Barney's help.

The true burglary lies in lips.

I do not think Winifred Sanderson would be amused.

Life After Olmec

2009-04-16T15:23:00.004-04:00

No other show captivated me with its large stone head, use of Aquasox, and history lessons quite like Legends of the Hidden Temple. I may or may not have required Nick GAS be in my cable plan just so I could relive the pre-teens' endless struggle in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. Though the perpetual failure of the Purple Parrots and the never-ending fear the temple guards manage stir in me is still present in syndication, I've long wondered what became of the show's animate host, Kirk Fogg who swung into each episode with such fervor and grace.

And now I know. Though with slightly less hair and slightly more facial pudge, there's no doubt that Mr. Fogg (which I can only assume is his real name) is the new face of the Arby's Roast Burger.

For that, good sir, you get a half pendant of life.

Maybe the Past Really Is in the Past

2009-04-16T13:37:00.010-04:00

Someone's mama did not get the memo about Chris Brown's most recent headline-stealing controversy. But awww, look at that primordial dwarf.

Beat me once... photo opp!

And the Haylie to Beyonce's Hilary, Solange Knowles is also trying to white wash her slate by promoting MTV's Safe Sex campaign, saying, "[My and Beyonce's] parents did a great job of giving us the real deal Holyfield on sex... I was 13 when my parents first sat me down to discuss sex. And it was a very good age for me."

Right. Because if they hadn't, you could've gotten pregnant at 17, had a quickie wedding in the Bahamas, and gotten divorced before you could legally drink.

Oh, wait...

Celebretweet of the Day

2009-04-16T01:15:00.006-04:00

"HOW COME I JUS GOT A NEW PHONE NUMBER AND ITS FUCKIN MILEY CIRUS OLD NUMBER!!! STOP CALLIN ME LIL DAMN GIRLS!!!! TRUE STORY!! NO BS!!"

@liljizzel (aka Lil' Wayne)

I mean, the similarities were endless from the get-go-- starting with their mutual love of photographic ab reveals.

Shared numbers were the obvious next logical step. Look out for MC's tear tat.

Product Placement: The Booze Cruise

2009-03-30T02:35:00.007-04:00

Being a fan of something and being able to produce it are two entirely different things. I mean, just because I happen to love soft-serve ice cream slash frozen yogurt (30 minute rides to Dairy Queens in the shadiest of Jersey locales is not outside the boundaries), does not mean I think I can make it-- though this particular SkyMall item does tempt me each and every time I fly. Apologies... I digress.

However, with celebrities branding everything from perfume, to jeans, to hair pieces, and yes, liquor, one would think being a consumer of something apparently qualifies you to brand it, sell it, and add even more money to your already overflowing bank account.

As Diddy is just getting over the controversy surrounding his Ciroc commercials, for which casting allegedly called for "light-skinned Africa-American Beyonce-types," another music industry mogul is dipping his toes into the rocky seas of the hangover-producing industry. Justin Timberlake is bringing us the first images of 901, after the singer's Memphis area code (how novel), which is his new brand of tequila that took two years to perfect. The triple-distilled beverage is crafted from a recipe handed down through three generations in Jalisco, Mexico, where J. Timbs spent oh so many summers stuffing plastic kazoos and whistles into pinatas, I'd assume.

I'm not sure whether it comes blurry and in threes or if this is a simulated effect of what it will look like after you've consumed a many shots of it while sitting pretty at the bar in your William Rast jeans... but ooohhhh how it glows. I'd gather Mr. Timberlake has had some experiences with the drink himself, but there's someone else I trust a little more.

Sure, Danny DeVito appearance on The View might have forever ruined the way I watch Matilda and hear Look Who's Talking Now, but at least we know the man likes to drink via this video evidence. Impressively still heavily intoxicated from a night out with George Clooney, Arnold Schwarzenegger's other half-- errr quarter-- told the audience on that fateful day, "I knew it was the last seven limoncellos that was going to get me." And what did they get him? His own brand of the beverage aptly named, Danny DeVito's Premium Limoncello (aka how Danny DeVito Became Somewhat Famous Again). Two and half years later, here it is folks.

If dogs resemble their owners, why wouldn't bottles of alcohol?

Avowed, Endowed, Filthy... Cover Guys

2009-03-30T02:13:00.006-04:00

Most Likely To Lower His Temple Gates For The Silver Snakes:
Kanye West on Complex

Most Likely To Deflower Hannah Montana Whilst Livin' La Vida Loca:
Just Gaston on EY! Electric Youth!

Most Desperate To M-I-C... See Ya Real Soon. K-E-Y... Why? Because He's Breakin' Free:
Zac Efron on Interview

Sapphic, Graphic, Spiraling... Cover Girls

2009-03-30T01:32:00.011-04:00

Most Bummed She Missed Her Opportunity to Appear on "The L Word" as a Lady GaGa Impersonator:

Nicole Richie on BlackBook

Most Likely to Leave the Least to the Imagination:
Blake Lively and Leighton Meester on Rolling Stone

Most Obvious Use of Fashion as a Metaphor for Her Unlikely Fame and Fortune:
Lady GaGa on Les Inrockuptibles (aka aforeignmagazineweveneverseen)

Stalkward: And Then Miley Cried

2009-03-29T22:14:00.006-04:00

Whomever set up the barricades at the 2009 Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards will likely not be returning for the next decade due to what you'll witness below at the 10-second mark.

Though not the scale of last week's America's Next Top Model audition stampede, the toppling over of about a dozen children is just enough to be laughable without seeming too insensitive-- at least, that's what I told myself as I rewound the five-second segment thrice (not including the fourth slo-mo look).

Here's what I ascertained from my multiple viewings. Miranda Cosgrove of iCarly (it's fine that you have no clue what either of those proper nouns is referring to) feigns surprise about winning "Favorite TV Show" at the only awards ceremony more staged than MTV's Video Music Awards. As she rushes the stage and holds out her hands for some obligatory fan high fives, a whole heap of them bust down the metal barriers, trying to escape after finally realizing the hold Nickelodeon has had on them likely since the original air date of Eureeka's Castle. After the only intelligent children in the arena eat it on the ground, Miranda clearly pauses-- but her intention isn't so apparent. Her outstretched arm either signifies she wanted more congratulatory contact or is trying to help out the fallen children. But then, she proceeds to the stage to take home her blimp, indicating that her actions were probably motivated by the former, which is fair considering those kids were literally slimey.

PS- As for the second most ambiguous and also unintentionally humorous moment of the show, Miley Cyrus cried upon receiving her award for Favorite Female Singer... for the second year in a row.

Whether this is genuine emotion or acting, I'm torn. But either way, I'm impressed... her cheek's get even puffier as the tears roll down 'em!

Stalkward: It Might Be A Tumor

2009-03-11T13:54:00.007-04:00

In between dodging rumors he'll appear in Terminator Salvation and promoting the green life, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger made some time for his third love, bodybuilding when he stopped by the Arnold Sports Festival in scenic Columbus, Ohio this weekend. The original pregnant man (you know you want to Neflix Junior right now) took some time to visit his old muscley stomping grounds to congratulate this beauteous chunk o' chocolate, Ms. Iris Kyle who won the Miss International body building competition at Arnold's self-titled world's largest multi-sports festival. The roids have obviously shrunk her genitals down to the stage where they shriveled up and hid between her massive thighs, understandably so. If only the guys on RuPaul's Drag Race could master that tuck.

Sanks Mom For the Offensive Oscar Commentary

2009-02-27T16:13:00.016-05:00

On Sunday, I had the distinct pleasure of partaking in something I haven't had the pleasure of doing since high school... watching the Academy Awards with my mom, to who I attribute a healthy portion of my unhealthy obsession with all things Hollywood. What that lead to was a whole lotta (mostly racist) commentary, of which, I bring you her top pearls of wisdom...

Tilda Swinton announces Penelope Cruz as the winner of Best Performance By An Actress in a Supporting Role for Vicky Christina Barcelona, to which, my mom says, "Ugh… she’s going to start speaking Spanish." And when the inevitable Spanish came, "What-EH-ver!" (think Amber in Clueless) "Did I tell you?"

In the most enjoyably award moment of the evening, Jennifer Aniston steps on the stage to present with Jack Black, eliciting this comment, "Will somebody please tell Jennifer Aniston that she’s 40? She’s not Lauren Conrad!" As the mom-deemed LC wannabe stood just a few feet away from front row couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the ingenious camerafolk did not let this rare moment slip away as they constantly cut between the ex and the couple she's jealous of. Mom obviously caught on, saying, “Brad is definitely scratching his beard thinking, ‘I’m so glad I got rid of her.’” Ayyyyyy men, Mama.

During that two and half hour Oscar Ceremony lull between the two awards and six awards people care about, my mom found herself predicting what language the largely non-American winners would speak. So when Best Animated Short Film winner, Kunio Kato took the stage for La Maison En Petits Cubes, she nailed it with this comment, "Just start speaking Asian." Then she became increasingly infuriated by the broken English and decided, "I think think they should have a requirement that you have to speak English in order to accept an Oscar." Clearly, she did not appreciate the Styx reference.

4. While I was busy cracking up with Seth Rogen when this happened as James Franco announced Jochen Alexander Freydank, director of Best Live Action Short Film winner for Spielzeugland...

my mom was busy critiquing Mr. Freydankydank's appearance. "He like has a shelf over his eyes where his eyebrows are," she observed. "It's like an overhang... like a built-in visor." Subtle anti-Asian reference anyone?

5.

There's really no explanation necessary for this fantastical fifties toy reference. “Will Smith’s hair looks like one of those Wooly Willy magnet things. It’s so shiny and perfectly square.”

6. Despite the fact that Mr. Smith is known for making rap easy enough for white people to sing along to, his inclusion in the ceremony set off the very tiny diversity-seeking lightbulb in my mom's head. "Look how few black people there are," she remarked. "It looks like a sea of white faces. They should represent. They can speak English."

7. As the part of a pair of presenters whose presence at the Oscars I could not begin understand, Alicia Keys joined Zac Efron to introduce Best Original Score.

My mother has long criticized Alicia for her bad skin since we saw her at a Z100 Zootopia concert nearly a decade ago and though she seems to have gotten that sitch under control, my mom managed to use it against her, pointing out, “What happened to her eyes? She used to much ProActiv on her face and lost them.”

8. And lastly, though my mama is quick to shed tears during nearly any and every maudlin television programing, Anne Hathaway's "Holy Shit... Shirley MacLaine Is Pretending To Know Who I Am And This Will Totes Be My Only [Undeserved] Oscar Nod" water works did not work on her.

Instead, the woman who had been nodding off just moments prior was unmoved, saying, “Oh Anne. Sit down and shut up.”

Please note this last quote is largely here to offer some sort of assurance (for both myself and others) that my mom isn't a complete bigot since she even hates a brown-haired, brown-haired girl from New Jersey.

Penis Slip Once, Shame On You... Penis Slip Twice, Serious Shame On You

2009-02-17T23:36:00.004-05:00

My mother updates me daily on the horrific details of the tainted peanut scandal of 2009-- my personal favorite of which was about a man whose father, a Vietnam War vet, died of Planters-related salmonella. He was apparently paid by Fox News to say something to the effect of, "The VC didn't get my dad; peanuts did."

Somehow, however, she missed this gem when CNN's Zain Verjee told "the most trusted name in new's" audience that some airlines' were making the scandalous decision to add nuts to their snack menus...

Poor Zain. The word "peanuts" is easily confused with "penis," especially considering both could be diseased unbeknownst to those connecting with them orally. However, if this wasn't just a slip of the gutter-minded reporter's tongue, I bet with her two tidbits "Northwest began serving penis this month" and "Georgia is the top penis producing state," we should expect to see a spike Northwest flights to Georgia in the next couple days.

Mr. Penis... I mean... Peanut approved.

Stalkward: Catwalk Edition

2009-02-17T21:24:00.006-05:00

Fashion Week tends to bring together an odd smattering of celebrities, all desperate to sit front row for the first look at designer collections, which is over in a matter of minutes. And this week was no exception-- the Bryant Park tents were full of forced photo ops.

Exhibit A) Kanye West. Jared Leto, Chace Crawford, and Patrick Wilson unite at the Calvin Klein Menswear Fall 2009 fashion show on February 15, 2009.

Jordan Catalano obviously didn't get the memo that pouring peroxide on your head sort of discounts your effort to blend in via his monochromatic black ensem and matching aviators. Either that or Chace, who could easily be confused for the Madam Tussauds version of himself, just hit on him, making him super uncomf. Patrick Wilson's futile lean towards the more relevant stars is about as sad as the fact that I know him best for being quasi-castrated by Ellen Page in Hard Candy and dancing and lip syncing to Annie Get Your Gun's "Anything You Can Do" with Claire Danes in a Gap ad. Perhaps he was trying to name drop Claire as a commanality between himself and Mr. Leto, though he's probably as disinesterated as Jordan was in her. Kanye seems completely unaware of the other people he's being photographed with because, let's face it, he's "THE NUMBER ONE HUMAN BEING!!!!!!1!!!!11!"

Exhibit B) On the same day, Mischa Barton, Minka Kelly, and Kristen Bell attended the Miss Sixty Fall 2009 fashion show.

Kristen is obvs desperate for some face considering her current claim to fame is the voice on a TV show she's too old for, but doesn't know that a scarf does not a respectable celebrate make. Mischa is trying to fake a smile since realizing removing herself from The O.C. in a fiery car chase, thus leading to a drug binge only rivaled by Amy Winehouse in this century wasn't exactly a good career move. And Minka's about as shocked as I am that she's famous enough to sit front row at any show during Fashion Week, even one as insignificant as Miss Sixty, and that either of the women sitting next to her are relevant enough to be photographed.

The L Word: Saved By The Creek

2009-02-16T18:33:00.014-05:00

If you asked me last week what the best recent 90s television guest appearance was, I would have easily directed you to Mary Beth Piel's appearance on Fringe. While the name might not be initially familiar, the actress better known as Evelyn "Grams" Ryan of Dawson's Creek fame, who had the same elderly affinity for sounding kind of British as did George Feeny on Boy Meets World, was often heard guiding "Jennifah" on life's most important ecclesiastical lessons. Seeing Grams and Pacey (Josh Jackson) on the same screen again certainly made my heart sing with Paula Cole's single career hit, but little did I know another former resident of Capeside was on his way back to lay down the law on a new dramatic series.

Though Kat(i)e Holmes' most recent small screen stint on Eli Stone was certainly no "On My Own" performance for talent competition for the Creek's Miss Windjammer Beauty Contest, I was absolutely shocked when I tuned into last night's episode of The L Word to find that Dylan Neal (totes his real name) who played Doug Witter, Pacey's older, gayer brother sitting scruffily next to Jessie Spano, aka Elizabeth Berkley whose only real job outside of Bayside's halls was as a catastrophic stripper in Showgirls. While Saved By The Bell alum AC Slater's (aka Mario Lopez's) return to the tube via both Kanye West's recent Meximullet and his own puntiful hosting gig on America's Best Dance Crew left much to be desired, Mama Jessie's role amongst LA's lesbitronic elite is about as amazing as whatever doctor is giving her those Botox injections. Obviously, I would have never imagined Offier Dougey and Miss Spano sitting side-by-side. But I was almost this excited...

Let's ignore the bo-ring conversation that actually transpired during the episode (Jessie plays Kelly, unfortunately not Kapowski, Bette's college mentee who she fell for and Doug is Caleb, whose role is relatively unclear besides the goatee stroking) and delve into what this 90s TV has-been and 90s TV never-was likely talked about between takes, via their fictional roles.

Jessie: Look at that tall glass of water over there.
Doug: Eh. He's alright, I guess. But my heart belongs to Jack.

Jessie: Aw. The same Jack audiences gasped to see you kiss on the series finale of Dawson's Creek?
Doug: That's the one.

Jessie: Well, that's nice to know some relationships do last. How's his sister Andie doing? Still battling issues with those anti-depressants and special tablets of ecstasy only available on the banks of Capeside, Massachusetts?
Doug: Girl, who are you to talk about substance abuse?
Jessie growls jokingly and puts up a claw.
Both laugh.

Jennifer Beals: Listen, I kind of own the teen actor-turned cinema stripper-riving her career position over here so I think you are going to have to go.
Doug: Awk-ward.

Jessie: I'm sorry, what?
Jennifer: Ya heard me.

Jessie: I'm so... scared.
Doug: Are you also excited?
Jessie: What?
Dough: Umm... nothing. Don't worry about her. She didn't even dance in Flashdance and you rocked the cut off sweatshirt way better. You look totes amaze, by the way. Have you had any work done?
Jessie's non-blinking eyes widen.
Jessie: No. You?
Doug: Bitch please. My cheeks do this naturally.
Jessie: Well, I guess we're done here. Want to grab a burger at the Max?
Doug: I guess, though I prefer the Ice House.
Jessie: Eh, it's not really as good since it burned down.
Doug: Fair enough.

END SCENE

Hokey Pokey 2009: Disney Slut Stylez

2009-02-15T12:28:00.006-05:00

For those of who aren't watching the Disney Channel religiously, A) why? and B) you may not know that people under the age of 12 and myself are counting down until April 10th, when Hannah Montana hits the big screen in a non-3D movie featuring the fierce mic stand moves of Kenny Ortega. Though the soundtrack will feature 12 new original songs (three of which start with the word, "Let's" because Hannah's really stoked to do stuff and two of which include the word "Girl" because she's also a star, just like us), by far, the best and most aptly titled is "Hoedown Throwdown."

Obviously, this is Disney's effort to create a line dance the kiddies can do, but if you can find a kindergarten who can follow this shit...

Pop it, lock it, polka-dot it
Countrify then hip-hop it
Put your arm in the sky, move side to side
Jump to the left, stick it, glide
Zig zag across the floor
Shuffle in diagonal
When the drum hits, hands on your hips
One foot in, 180 twist
And then a zig zag, step, slide, lean in left, clap three times
Shake it out, head to toe
Throw it all together that's how we roll
Do the hoedown (throwdown)
Do the hoedown (throwdown)
Do the hoedown (throwdown)
Throw it all together that's how we roll

... pimp that child out because s/he's a nonsensical dance instruction prodigy.

UPDATE: Disney Channel aired a video of the Zig Zag.

I'm equally, if not more, confused and additionally irritated by this "Boom De Clap" bidness.

What's Scarier Than Seeing Mickey Mouse Out Of Costume?

2009-02-15T11:52:00.003-05:00

THIS:

Though I obviously agree with her sentiments, seeing Dorota (played by Zuzanna Szadkowski) in her appropriately old-timey maid costume, but sounding like a soccer mom who operated a phone sex line in 1994, is immensely horrifying. Generally, I'm not a television conspiracy theorist (except when it comes to the disappearance of Judy on Family Matters and the mom switch on Fresh Prince of Bel Air). But, as I've shared with some of you before, I’m convinced that the final shot of Gossip Girl will be from the behind the head of Blair Waldorf’s trusty maidservant, disguising her Polish accent as the show’s narrator, Kristen Bell. Sitting at her laptop, it's revealed that she's the one revealing the dirty laundry of the Upper East Siders she picks up after... And yes, I do know I love her. Ever since D referenced Facebook group searches ("I join few groups") and revealed her “I’m A Slave 4 U” ringtone for Miss Blair’s urgent calls, I have been domestically smitten. But listening to this interview, combined with the image I've come to know, trust, and strain to understand, left me feeling what I'd imagine every little goy feels when they learn there's no Santa.

The Top 10 Most Thoughtless Comments Re: Domestic Disturbia 2009

2009-02-13T04:01:00.008-05:00

While you were realizing just how many Rihanna song lyrics seem to set up perfect headlines for her alleged violent vehicular encounter with I'm-going-to-guess-former boyfriend, Chris Brown ("SOS," "Disturbia," "Take A Bow," "Unfaithful," "Shut Up & Drive," and "Hate That I Love You"), the most obscure people who may or may not have ever actually met either half of the couple have been coming forward with their thoughts on their assault case. And so, I bring you the most ridiculous statements celebrities and people who are using this opportunity to become celebrities have made in response to Mr. Brown and Ms. I'll-give-anyone-$10-if-they-know-Ri's-last-name-without-Wikipedia-ing's situation.

10. After Wrigley's had one last go of airing Chris Brown's "Forever" commercial during the most cringe-worthy advertisement during the Grammy's, a second sponsor also decided to drop CB. "The Milk Mustache campaign is taking the allegations against Chris Brown very seriously," a company rep told Usmagazine.com. "We are very proud and protective of the image of the Milk Mustache campaign and the responsible message it sends to teens." Right. Is that why A Rod (or as The New York Post would refer to him, A-Roid or A-Fraud) and Christian "Think For One Fucking Second" Bale are still counted as milk mustache wearers? If you're going to take calcium-building facial hair seriously, the rules should apply universally.

9. Who better to shed some light on the darkness of this domestic abuse situation than the 19-year-old singer's former physical education instructor. "I've never known Chris to be combative," his high school gym teacher from Tappahannock, Virginia, Lyn Amos, told People. "He's always low-key, easygoing." The present use of this statement leads me to believe that Ms. Amos (who is hopefully related to Tori) was likely tracked down by People and is mistakenly referring to a different Chris Brown; either that or sometimes the suspect heads home for a game of prisoner dodge ball.

8. But besides the warm-up-suit-wearing people from his past, who better to instruct us on Chris' mild manner than his longtime wardrobe stylist who goes by a last initial, Mike B. "He's a good kid," Mr. B assured People. "He feels very bad that something like this has happened." As much as I want to believe that's true, I really can't say I trust the man who thinks he should get paid to tell someone this is a good thing to put on your body.

7. Long Island, N.Y. Radio Station WBLI invited RiRi fans across the nation to partake in their "Shred Your Ex" party, where the most bitter people in the tristate area will happily destroy Chris Brown's CDs and posters as well as other mementos, photos and letters from an exes. In addition to having ordered in an authentic wood shredder for the occasion, WBLI will also be pulling Brown's music from the station all day on Friday. "Valentine's Day should stand for love so we find it fitting to make the Friday the 13th right before Valentine's Day a day for revenge for those who were unlucky in love," Nancy Cambino, WBLI's operations manager, told CBS. "Whether you're a Rihanna fan or not, we can all empathize with being with someone who caused love to go wrong." I'm not so sure sending the message that getting hit is on par with getting dumped is the right one, but I'm going to imagine a crowd full of women with pompadours, chanting "So live your life... aye-eh, aye-eh, aye-eh." Let's hope there's video.

6. Another unnamed friend of Mr. Brown told People, "Chris really feels bad about the whole situation, about it coming out the way that it happened, the way he went about it, the way she went about it... it's just a wack situation." This statement from an anonymous FOCer (friend of Chris) tells us a few things. A) It's okay to hit someone as long as you feel bad afterwards. B) It's okay to brush off assault as "wack." C) It's okay to say "wack" again. I'm enlightened... you?

5. But who doesn't love it when relatively irrelevant celebrities take it upon themselves to comment. "I spoke to him today," T.I. said on Late Call With Carson Daly. "He cool, you know. I mean, I guess he a little concerned about his situation, but he's still the same Chris. I told him, 'This too shall pass.' People just got to remember we celebrities, we entertainers, but we still human-- all of us. Don't expect for us not to make mistakes, because we will." Besides the fact T.I. got so much swagga he don't even need helping verbs, he also knows what it's like to travel on The Road to Redemption and make money off of one's felonies. I can only imagine what Chris Brown's approach to a mini-series about his misdemeanors would look like-- I'd picture it To Catch A Predator stylez, in which women would annoy their significant others to the point of physical abuse (because we all know they usually are asking for it) and then Mr. Brown would walk in as the Domestic Abuse Vigilante, offering the attacker a stick of Wrigley's.

4. On that note of the abused playing equal if not more of a role in their attack, I bring you my second wisest Phylicia on the planet, after Ms. Rashad, of course. "Everybody loved Chris," Phylicia Thompson, the R & B artist's cousin told Extra!, who was obviously so lost for words that she wound up quoting a different famous Chris' TV show title. "Chris was not brought up...to beat on a woman. So it had to be something to provoke him for Chris to do it. He wouldn't have done it just to be having fun." After all, what's more fun than domestic abuse? Let me know if you come up with something.

3. It's been five days since news first broke of the violent end to Chris and Rihanna's relationship. That's just enough time for Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis to finish up his house arrest and joke about abusing women. Outside an LA club with Kourtney Kardashian, TMZ caught Joe saying, "I'm gonna go Chris Brown on her ass right now." Too soon? Mr. Francis thinks not... and his moral compass is usually set due north.

2. Since Rihanna was a staple on Kanye West's Glow in the Dark tour, there really isn't anyone more qualified than this list's second celebrity to shed some neon light on this situation. “I was completely devastated by the concept of what I heard to the point that I was completely devastated during my 'American Boy' performance," Mr. West, who recently adopted AC Slater's mullet, told KISS FM. In one sentence, he managed to both express his feelings on his former tourmate's alleged attack and preemptively defend his Grammy performance, should the critics have mocked him for it. What a word smith that man is. "I don’t care how famous she is or if she just worked at McDonald’s," Kanye went on to say, "that should never happen." And with that shout-out, Kanye filled his quota to his biggest fan club, "Girls Who Wear Their Names in Gold-Plated Hoops While Serving Up McFlurries and Listening to 'Gold Digger.'"

1. As for the top moment, someone had to say it and I'm glad it was the star of Hustle & Flow. "It's just life, man," Terrence Howard told Hollywood.TV. "Chris is a great guy. He'll be all right. And Rihanna knows he loves her." And that's why he beat her... to say he loves her. Um... duh. Seriously, cut the guy some slack. I mean, it's just about as hard out here for an abusive boyfriend as it is for a pimp... when he tryin' to get this money for the rent. For the Cadillacs and gas money spent... cause a whole lotta bitches jumpin' ship. Because those bitches are both pirates and have to hide their black eyes. Good thing Rihanna's is bedazzled already! Thanks, Aretha.

And Carson Daly Will Also Start Painting His Pinky Nail Black Again

2009-02-13T02:24:00.011-05:00

It seems like only yesterday we were watching the original Total Request Live host uncomfortably fist pump Juvenile one day and slip into his Vans to interview The Offspring the next without a woo-ing studio audience of tweens to support him. With November bringing TRL to its close after a decade-long run, I thought I would never hear about Fred Durst's oral fixations on former pop princesses, listen to another Eminem song about his custody battle for Hailey, or see the crystallized image of Mark Hoppus' genitals ever again... but this week proved me wrong.

Mr. Hoppus, a still-maimed Travis Barker, and fellow originator of the ever-popular and masculine lip ring, Tom DeLonge appeared at the Grammy's this past Sunday to tell the world something special...

"We used to play music together, and we decided we're going to play music together again," the gimpy one told the crowd. Just to make things clear, Mark yelled, "Blink-182 is back!" Well, slap my chain wallet, stencil my neck tattoo, and serenade me with four-syllable lyrical stanzas. But while you were slipping into your banana suit...

Another TRL classic late 90s/early 00s rock band decided to also reemerge. Did someone order a chocolate starfish or some hot dog-flavored water? Because Fred Durst is apparently serving it up again. "We decided we were more disgusted and bored with the state of heavy popular music than we were with each other," the group said in a joint statement. "Regardless of where our separate paths have taken us, we recognize there is a powerful and unique energy with this particular group of people we have not found anywhere else. This is why Limp Bizkit is back." Who doesn't look back on the success of "Nookie" as a peak moment in music's creative bell curve chart? If the popularity of sticking cookies up one's ass is any indication, I'd say next to no one. Seriously though, it's taken me almost 10 years to get over my nightmares about Limp's guitarist Wes Borland's monochromatic black contacts.

Together, he and Fred look like an uncute version of a Capuchin from Monkey Trouble.

And in the final part of the 2009 TRL trifecta of the second week of February, Eminem aka Slim Shady aka Marshall Mathers is back on top with "Crack A Bottle." As the bleached blonde says in his follow-up to classics like "My Name Is..." and "Stan," "The platinum trio's back on you hos." Of course, he's referencing Dr. Dre and Fiddy Cent, but I'd like to look at it as a prophetic remark on this moment in history with Limp and Blink.

Now if only Dream would reunite.

UPDATE: Ask and ye shall receive apparently... but in a cheap Chinatown imitation version. Much to my surprise, Oh No They Didn't today posted a video of Dream covering Britney Spears' "If U Seek Amy," except the group now only performs in fanciful master bathroom venues and has all but two members, none of whom are the pretty one, busted one, blonde one, or short-haired one from the original group and one of whom was my personal favorite contestant on American Idol's single-season kiddie spin-off, American Juniors, Jordan McCoy. Despite the fact that even powder room acoustics can't help this shit sound good and the fact that I know sequels generally do not surpass the original (except Grease 2 and Sister Act II: Back in the Habit, obvs), I may or may not be a little bit looking forward to this.

Pug-Nosed, Exposed, Loveable... Cover Girls

2009-02-13T02:00:00.007-05:00

Most Likely To Be Arrested For Forcing Her Toddler To Take Upskirt Photos of Her For Publicity:
Tori Spelling, author of sTori Telling and the soon-to-be released, Mommywood

Most Ridiculous Body Post Three Births... And All She Got Was This Wonky Eye:
Heidi Klum on the German cover of GQ

Most Likely To Snort Herself Into Becoming Courtney Love's Doppleganger:
Mary-Kate Olsen for Interview

Stalkward: Dinner's Ready... Ohh, His Hose!

2009-02-11T01:37:00.007-05:00

Florence Henderson, better known as Carol Brady, took to the stage at the fourth annual “Broadway Backwards” concert benefiting New York’s Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Community Center.

I think tiny Asian man in the red Member's Only jacket in image one's face says everything I could ever dream of articulating in regards to this salacious photo trilogy.

The Brostest With The Mostest

2009-02-10T21:56:00.020-05:00

Though I'd recommend you all watch the entire finale of an MTV-recorded quest for friendship only slightly less genuine than Paris Hilton's My New BFF that is Brody Jenner's Bromance (as well as the five episodes that preceded it), I deem it necessary to view the last two minutes of this brosome programming for a look at what's coming up on Brody's next manciful journey... for a babymance. Thanks to my sister's viewing of what was easily the best hexalogical programming in television history on iTunes as opposed to waiting on her bed with baited breath for the original finale airing on MTV last Tuesday at 9, she unearthed this gem of a spoof on the original Bromance commercial, which posed the question on everyone's mind...

"What's a bromance? A bromance is a bond between you and your go-to guy," Brody previously cleared up the portmanteau once plastered across Jake Gyllenhaal, Lance Armstrong, and Matthew McConaughey. But in the last minute and a half of the first video, good ole BJ takes the time to clear up an even bigger mystery in regards to his upcoming pursuit for a go-to fetu. "What's a baby?" Spencer Pratt's former BBFLYLAB asks. "It's like a little human being, but with less hair." After pointing out that babies are popping up everywhere these days, which may or may not have been a growing trend since the inception of mankind, B. Jens ays he's on a the hunt for the "coolest baby" with the "coolest name" who can handle his lifestyle.

I'm pretty sure this kid with the power tool is the best fit.

But perhaps Mr. Jenner (not Bruce... his plastic face is in a post-baby making era) is more self-aware than previously expected. Despite the copious amounts of right ear jewelry, Brody is admits, "Yeah, it's going to be weird" and then cracks up maniacally when pulling our Citizen of Humanity-covered legs about him and Ryan Seacrest having a baby...

What could be more absurd than this idea?

Oh wait....

(Insert brief instrumental hook from Black Eyed Peas' "Don't Phunk With My Heart" here and cue "The Hills" logo in lower righthand corner.)

Today's Unsnug Hero

2009-02-06T23:54:00.000-05:00

The Snuggie infomercial has obviously transcended something the kids were talking about whilst staying up late searching for Girls Gone Wild infomercials on television on a school night. Though the ads for America's original blanket with sleeves started airing back in October, this answer to chilly campfire nights and cold high school bleachers has finally made its way to the circle of middle-aged folk who control the media. Besides the recent news that my parents' neighbors bought one and got one free (thus rendering my childhood home the newest sight for meetings amongst the cult-du-sac inhabitants) and this USA Today article, the fact that NBC's The Today Show recently made Matt Lauer, his co-hosts, and seemingly every employee partake in some fleecey fun is evidence that the Snuggie has officially made its mark in our country's informercistory.

Matt got glib (glib, glib, glib) on the air the other day and said, with a haughty chuckle, that he'd, "rather be caught dead than wear a Snuggie." Cue producers' plans for public humiliation. With the gender color assignments in place-- the ladies in crimson and the lads in indigo-- The Today Show hosts all put on their Snugday's best, as Matt hung his head in shame and said, “I’m having chest pains as we speak." Uh duh. That's because once he slipped into the fuzzy straight jacket, he joined the cult of Xenu-worshipping, satanic, gospel-singing monks all you crazy fuckers who would pay $19.99 for this are sold into. If Matt manages to get his way out of his backwards robe, perhaps he'll be able to stop the palpitations. But until then, we'll watch him live out his final days wrapped in warmth, eating only his hateful words about one of this generation's greatest inventions.

Meanwhile, increasingly creepy weatherman Al Roker, loudly asked if they make Snuggies for two... another hint he's a Smucker's centenarian birthday wish away from replacing Willard Scott as the morning news program's go-to fedora-wearing crazy old guy.

Fashion Weak

2009-02-06T16:29:00.003-05:00

I refuse to lie about my pop culture indiscretions. On June 9, 2008 at 7:41 p.m., I downloaded Lady GaGa's "Just Dance." I have since listened to it 66 times. Though GaGa's name stems from the noise we attribute to babies but never actually hear them make, she only owns clothing from American Apparel, and her wig is eerily reminiscent of a female Simple Jack (Simple Jack-ay, if you will), the infectious dance beat of her premiere single coupled with ingeniously relatable lyrics about nights out (a la "Where are my keys? I lost my phone" and "What's the name of this club? I can't remember but it's alright") helped me overlook the aforementioned factors. But now, Miss Ga has crossed the line.

Now, we all remember the look Queen Aretha Franklin used to understandably steal Barack Obama's thunder on Inauguration Day (because he's really such an attention whore), but I'm going to repost anyway because it's just so shiny...

Blink a few times to adjust your eyes to the bedazzlement. You might be asking, "What does this have to do with electropop artist, Lady GaGa?" Well Mom, I'll show you.

Below is the evolution of the Lady in question's locks to the current point of cranial plagiarism.

While the overgrown accessory may be more dull and less old-timey-movie-theater-ushery than Aretha's, Lady GaGa is still walking dangerously close to the line of crazy headgear copyright infringement. She's going to have to quit her use of large bows and bow down to the bitch who started the trend. We'll talk about her theft of the second blind mouse's sunglass collection at a later point.

Channel Changer: Ru Betta Work

2009-02-06T11:25:00.000-05:00

After realizing this week that TLC's highly-anticipated docuseries Toddlers & Tiaras (an obvious must-watch for anyone who also still wonders about HBO's Living Dolls' Swan Brooner and Leslie Butler) would only feature the self-proclaimed superdad of pageants, David Perez for one episode, I needed a fresh batch of overly made-up, hair-piece wearing, glitter-loving, bra-stuffing little ladies to fill that void.

And thanks to the sage advice of my dear friend Mike, I found just that in LOGO's recently premiered RuPaul's Drag Race, or more accurately titled Project Next Top Drag Idol.

The show's premise is as simple as a cross-dressing reality TV show competition could possibly be-- nine lovely divas in drag make love to the camera in hypersexualized photoshoots, construct costumes out of items from the dolla sto, parade them down a runway that, based on exterior shots of barbed wires and dumpsters, was built in an alleyway, lip sync to RuPaul's "Supermodel" for their lives so that the judges hopefully give them another chance to do it all over again next week.

The stand-out queens were...

ONGINA, who developed her stage name from her middle name "Ong" and "the part god didn't bless me with," is by far the most petite of the queens, but knows how to shake it better than the Latin mamis. She also has a pension for teeny weeny hats that sit atop her bald head with a strand of elastic. Translation: She's adorbes.

NINA FLOWERS has a non-faux hawk that could pierce you if her cat eye contacts didn't first. Plus, bitch took the tired Nicole Richie hippie headband look and brought it down to eye level. It's like S & Melrose and it's fiiiiieeeeerce.

TAMMIE BROWN took the sexiest car wash photo in the bunch. If her forehead is any indication, she is hands down the smartest on the show. But speaking of hands, she looks strikingly similar to Kristen Wiig's character in SNL's Lawrence Welk Sister Act skit, minus the gimpy fetus-like appendages.Whether this is a positive or negative, time will only tell.

REBECCA GLASSCOCK. Period.

VICTORIA PORKCHOP PARKER is like the Paul Dean of drag. Sure, she may look like Orson from Garfield and Friends, but bitch is fur reeeels. Vicky Chops (as they call her on the streets) has been shot at and had things thrown at her. But she doesn't want your pity. No, no. She just wants whatever indeterminate grain is on that spoon... with butter.

The queens arrive one by one to the RPDR studio and we begin to understand the plight of the "drag arteest," as one contestant refers to himself and his competitors. First, Shannel (so phonetically creative) tells Nina she's "painted," which I'm pretty sure in drag translates to fierce. Then, another ladymanfriend sees Shannel's assless chaps upon her arrival and is pissed to see someone stole her look. I imagine this is only a problem in the small circle of dragqueendom.

As for the show's host, RuPaul Charles (yes, that's his/her given name) is like the perfect cross between Top Model's Tyra and Runway's Tim Gunn. When in a translucent ruffly form-fitting dress topped a wig straight outta the Marilyn Monroe Collection, delivering the contestants their video "SheMail," mentioning "world renowned fashion photographers," or speaking in obscenely obvious voiceovers, Ru (as friends would refer to him/her) gives Ty Ty Baby a run for her monies. Plus, his show is sponsored by M.A.C. and Absolut, which totes trump CoverGirl.

But in a pinstripe suit, glasses, and strategically placed pink pocket square, walking around the contestants'dressforms, Tim Gunn really should be worried this time. Mistah Charles even puts his own spin on "make it work," which is "don't fuck up." If only all reality TV competition senseis were that upfront.

When it comes down to the final two contestants, they're asked to do a lip sync off on the runway to "Supermodel" of course and while they've yet to answer my primary question while watching this show (really though... how do they tuck those things under in a thong?), we do find out the difference between "sashay" and "chantez." In the show's signature dismissal phrase, RuPaul tells those who worked it, “Chantez, you stay,” and eliminates those who failed to give it a twirl with, "Sashay away.”

Well, chantez, I'm staying... because these queens are high quality entertainment.

Gone Viral: Donnie Dubbs, You'll Be My American Boy

2009-02-06T00:20:00.000-05:00

Since most F-list celebrities take to the pages of the World Wide Web to clear up any rumors floating around in their direction, I expected a New Kids on the Blog update today in response to the completely shocking accusation from The National Inquirer that Jonathan Knight, the non-meth face of "the other two" members of NKOTB. Alas, this issue was not addressed, but just when I thought Kanye West's book deal would mean the internets would be dealing with exclamation point withdrawal, Donnie Wahlberg, aka "the bad boy" took to the boy band's blog to mollify my fears.

Hey All….

Canada? NUTS!

The US? CRAZY!

The UK and Europe? INSANE!

The US and Canada again???

ARE YOU F@#*ING KIDDING ME?!

Is your head really screwed on straight???

Is your mind really right?????

Are you absolutely sure you want to do it again??

Cuz guess what?

I AM READY!!!!!!

I am more than ready!!!!!

I was ready the day we stopped.

Here’s the thing….

We had so much fun….

Can we have more?

We let ourselves go….

Can we go further?

We pushed it to the limit….

Can we push it harder?

We got crazy…

Can we really get any crazier???????

HELL YEAH WE CAN!!!!!!!!!!!

This is your time!!!!!!

This is our time!!!!!!

It only gets better!!!!!!!!!!

I’M GETTING TOO EXCITED!!!!!

I can’t even type no more…..

It’s 4 am in Amsterdam and I gotta go for a run in the sub-zero temperatures to cool off!!!!!

It’s about to get real crazy.

You’ve been warned.

Come ready or don’t come at all!!!!!!!

In 2009 we go harder.

There is too much to be down about in the world right now…..

Let’s laugh and sing and dance and hug and kiss and spread the love all the way through it!!!!

It’s our time.

Nuff said.

As Always Your Man-

Donnie W

PS- you ain’t get enough face time? You ain’t get any face time?

It’s 4AM- I don’t sleep.

Find me!!!!!

Owwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!

Who doesn't love a good extremely excitable short stanza post? Though I'm confused about who owns the time and what time it is-- and wish it was 2 in the morning ("Girl, whatchu wanna do?")-- I know the elder Wahlberg is the one who can fix all of the world's CRAAAAZZZZZYYYYY problems with a little laughter, song, embrace, smooch, and love. Yes, the fact that this entry was brought to us from Amsterdam is not non-noteworthy, but considering the former actor once told Crave Online, "It’s just my goal is not to be a superstar. My goal is to be super at what I do," I would say those exclamation points and the smiley face stickers of positive reinforcement he plans on giving out to fans mean the second leg of "The Block Tour" should be a crotch-grabbing, pendulum leg-swinging good time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grammatime: Cougars and Cubs... To Your Corners

2009-02-05T21:49:00.000-05:00

Hollywood has been full of remakes since we apparently met our cap of original ideas in 2007, but some wrinkly ladies this week have shown they are not down with younger protégées re-doing what they've already perfected.

Exhibit A: Faye Dunaway

Upon hearing the news that Hilary Duff would be reprising her Oscar-nominated role in 2010's The Story of Bonnie and Clyde, Ms. Dunaway allegedly asked, ''Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?'' (according to The Sun-Times) Now, Faye... just because Hil began her career in the direct-to-VHS Casper Meets Wendy and her greatest achievement thus far is a tie between breaking down barriers for out-of-work actresses under 20 who smile through their pain with veneers and having her song "Come Clean" featured as the Laguna Beach theme song, that doesn't mean she's not real. H. Duff's last movie, War, Inc. was not only extremely crappy, but also titularly prophetic in that this is clearly Lizzie McGuire's biggest public catfight since she and Lindsay Lohan fought over Aaron Carter, who coincidentally resembles the latter's current lady love, Samantha Ronson. Hilary took the high road in response to Faye's comment, telling E!, “I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don’t even know who she is, so you know… I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too."

Mocking the 68-year-old actress' physical appearance is obviously the way to go. Though Hilary should really watch herself. That's quite the bold statement from a young actress who counts Agent Cody Banks, Material Girls, and Raise Your Voice among her major film roles. But really, if we're going to take stabs at anyone's acting career, consider Kevin Zegers, the young man cast opposite Hilary's Bonnie as Clyde, who's best known for the Air Bud tetralogy (yes, that'd be four and no, I absolutely did not have to look that word up).

But from Bonnie and Clyde's criminal adventures on the screen to those described in the studio with the "'03 Bonnie and Clyde, Hov and B," I bring you...

Exhibit B: Etta James

Do not be fooled by this image of finger-pointing jest; all is not kosher between the legendary Etta James and the legendary-in-her-own-imaginary-multiple-personality-mind Beyoncé Knowles. Though Ms. James had not publicly discussed her sentiments about the young woman with the RoboCop hand's depiction of her younger self, nor her rendition of "At Last" at the first-ever Mr. Roger's Neighborhood Ball for President Obama, at a recent concert at the Boulevard Casino in British Columbia, Etta came forward with verbal guns blazing as brightly as B's legs in the "Single Ladies" video.

“You guys know your President, right?" she asked her audience in her best Leno Jaywalking segment impression. "I tell you that woman he had singing for him, singing my song, she gonna get her ass whooped… The great Beyoncé… but I can’t stand Beyoncé. She has no business up there, singing up there on a big ole’ President Day … singing my song that I’ve been singing forever." Forever is obviously a loose term considering Etta was the third person to record "At Last," after Glenn Miller and Nat King Cole. But that silly little insignificant factoid aside, Etta is obviously declaring this B-Day (copyright Beyoncé Knowles).

Thus far, Beyoncé hasn't retaliated. But considering Gran' Mama James is a little bit confused about the administrative calendar (po-tay-to, po-tah-to, President Day, Inauguration Day), perhaps Beyoncé can stealthily administer some sort of sneak attack. Might I suggest a torture sesh by means of a Carmen: The Hip Hopera viewing on loop as a successful approach.

The Truth Will Prebale

2009-02-05T19:55:00.000-05:00

After hearing Christian Bale's infamous on-set rant in many forms now (the original, the remix, the remix part deux, the F*ckin Newsies trailer, and the Terminator Salvation trailer), I've come to a realization. Apparently, much like when they sing, English speakers with non-American accents sound exactly the same when they bitch you the fuck out. While there may be some points where Bale's Welsh accent becomes audible, he mainly sounds like any Jersey driver who's been cut off on the parkway or me every time those dreaded four gray block letters pop up on my television screen after 60 minutes of archip-illogical mind fuckery with JJ Abrams. I have long wondered why I can't understand the majority of Celine Dion's interviews (aurally... content's obviously another issue), but can make out every word of "Because You Loved Me." (Note: The exception, of course, is the Spice Girls' Mel B.) Fur seers, if anyone has any answers as to why everyone sounds like US citizens whilst uttering fuck-filled rants and/or romantic pop diddies, share... please.

UPDATE: E-ruminations from My Mama
(Please note in this unedited electronic message that I received from my mom, she nearly made Perez Hilton's favorite Bale-istic joke unintentionally. God bless her. Also, for reference purposes, Opera Lady Judy and Broadway Voice Coach Man are the two neighbors I'm sandwiched between who sing and play the piano apparently "professionally" whenever they wish to recreate my version of No Exit.)

Now as I recall and I'm going back way way back to my college days

sooooooo needless to say that was a very, very long time ago when I took phonetics.............

BUT I did learn that when people sing, they sing phonically and they sing the vowels phonically hence the reason for not hearing an accent.....

but if you really want to know I am certain you could ask Opera Lady Judy or Broadway Voice Coach Man and they could tell you because

I AM SURE THEY WOULD KNOW!!!!!!

haha

PS--I have no answer for the cursing other than to guess that

when people curse, they must curse phonically as well!!!!!!!! ?????????????

Think about it---if British people said 4 letter words with a British accent they wouldn't/couldn't be curse words because it would just sound too "lovely".

I'm just sayinggggggggg-----------

PPS-Don't quote me on this b-c my phonetics professor was an asshole and probably made this shit up!!!! hahahahah BUT I'm not kidding about him--he was the meanest, scariest man and his name was Christian Bale--------JKJKJKJKJK that wasn't his name but the rest IS true!--he too would definitely have been someone to go ballistic at his mom!!

XOOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Stalkward: You Bikini Model During a Foreign Sporting Event, You Learn

2009-02-05T02:00:00.000-05:00

What's the best way to promote your memoir when you've already revealed your anger for the actor who played Joey Gladstone via song? Posing in a string bikini and sarong whilst casually taking in a game of the martial art slash dance sport of capoeira, of course. Thanks to my minimal knowledge of Portuguese via my minimal knowledge of Spanish, but primarily, the always trustworthy freetranslation.com, I was able to extract some information from the article accompanying this confusing Alanis Morissette image. Here's what I found:

"Already it knew the capoeira, but did not know that was a fight created by the old slaves", explained, enthusiastic. "I find that this country is one of the best places of the world for be itself all the planet finished. I love the passion of the Brazilians. They are present in everything and do not they have fear of be passionate ", assured she, that does not assume a relationship since 2006, with the end of the engagement with the actor Ryan Reynolds (32), that it changed for the actress Scarlett Johansson (24).

Ah, yes. The universality of this image. Who can't relate to sentiments of old slaves, planet finished, and getting dumped? Certainly not the Brazilians. When asked if she likes to sing in Brazil, Alanis replied:

"I worship. The public is freer. It is going to see me that, despite of will speak another one language, they know all the my music. The Brazilians sometimes to remember more of mine own compositions than I (laughters). That supply that music is a universal language. It see that they lend attention to what do I say, even in another one language, is a big present."

Big presents? You mean like that cross-eyed bear or movie theater BJ that you gave to me? I worship. (laughters)

Fashion Weak

2009-02-04T17:46:00.000-05:00

Though it's been nearly a month since she premiered this look at the Golden Globes, Drew Barrymore (who apparently has a tongue ring now) is currently on the chick flickiest of media tours promoting He's Just Not That Into You. In conjunction with the film's title and premise, CBS asked "Dr. Drew" for dating advice. Obviously, the former wife of a man whose greatest accomplishment was "The Bum Bum Song" is an expert. I guess that's why her hair is so big-- because it's full of relationship secrets.

With gems like "I'm like a shark who somebody stuck two knives in my eyes," she's obviously well- and logically- versed in matters of the heart. Plus, she knows her speech impediments well enough to avoid similes using copious amounts of s's. Wait, I'm sorry... did she actually say "verbal gymnathtiths?"

But perhaps the greatest pearl of wisdom Ms. Barrymore bestowed upon us via Julie Chen was this: "Men build bridges. They want to get from here to there. They make it happen. They can find you. If they're not calling, they're not in! I mean, it's amazing what lengths men will go to get from here to there." When asked about her gender's relationship with overpasses, she said, "We want to decorate it and talk about how fabulous it's going to be in 30 years." Apparently to Drew, all women are prophetic Carson Kressleys.

Of course, we could blame these absolutely nonsensical love lessons on the excessive drugs and alcohol she experimented with back when the rest of did in fourth grade, but I'm going to have to go ahead and say it's the aerosol cans she likely both inhaled while spraying to secure her coiff. I do, however, appreciate the comb-over approach during the CBS interview. Perhaps it was an homage to BFF Cameron Diaz' infamous There's Something About Mary hair, but it's a bit problematic when you're resembling a look styled with semen. Juuuuust sayin'.

Rosetta Stoned

2009-02-04T17:45:00.001-05:00

Obviously you've all seen this photo by now of dolphin boy, Michael Phelps dipping his bottlenose into a device used to smoke marijuana. But as I watched The View this morning in my masochistic activity for the day, Elisabeth Hasselbeck bitched at a pitch only audible by dogs about how the way the Olympic god acted should be met with consequences, i.e. everyone's favorite male butterface, in her valued opinion, should be stripped of his endorsement deals. Though he's sponsored by Speedo, Omega, Visa, Subway, Kellogg, Rosetta Stone, PureSport, Hilton Hotels, 505 Games, and more, so far, very few have come forward to chastise Mr. Phelps, mostly just offer their support.

Omega called the situation a "nonissue." (via Yahoo!)
Speedo maintained that Phelps is a "valued member of the Speedo team." (via Yahoo!)
"We continue to support Michael Phelps as an athlete whose numerous athletic feats outshine an act of regrettable behavior," Hilton Hotels said, which is only fair considering the family name is full of indiscretions. (via Yahoo!)
Though their contract with Phelps ended on December 31, 2008, Rosetta Stone said, "We do not condone his activities and are disappointed in his recent judgment." (via Yahoo!)
"We have spoken with Michael, and he has expressed regret for the situation, has committed to being accountable and improving his judgment in the future," a Visa spokesperson said. "We intend to support him as he looks to move forward."(via ESPN.com)

I'm not really expecting to hear anything from Subway, considering they stayed tight-lipped when n ews broke that their head former fatty, Jared Fogle ran a high-class pornography rental ring from his college dorm room. Despite Michael's well-crafted public apology, "I promise my fans and the public-- it will not happen again," I worry about what kind of effect this will have on his mom Debbie's line of Chico's pantsuits.

Honestly, the pot-smoking porpoise's apology just should have gone something like the last 15 seconds of this:

Behind the Scene: Lost in the Fauxmance

2009-02-03T18:26:00.000-05:00

At first glance, this might appear to be a picture of the second stringers of Gossip Girl's real-life relationships, Ed Westwick (Chuck) and Jessica Szohr (Vanessa) making out like a three-week long fifth grade couple. But upon closer examination, the genuine star is seated (incorrectly, in my opinion) behind Jessica, who is about as good at making us believe she's enjoying that kiss as she it at making us believe she's a underprivileged Brooklynite. There's Lost's Cheech Marin, who plays David Reyes, trying to ignore the forced PDA sesh and probably still wondering why his TV son, Hurley doesn't appear to have lost a pound after an extended stay on a island that may or may not exist in our time-space continuum.

I'd like to think that this serendipitous court side seating went a bit more smoothly than America's and Jay-Z's below, perhaps leading to a Lost/Gossip Girl crossover episode, which would likely go something like this (and is tentatively imaginarily titled, "XOXO, Jacob")...

We find out that during those 17 years Hurley was eating his feelings after his father had abandoned him, Papa Reyes was employed by the Bass family as a manservant to help rear Chuck while his father, Bart spent his time stalking his wives, participating in high class prostitution rings, and ridiculing his son's love of purple. When he wasn't watching "Expose," David taught lil' Chuck the ways of the world and (GASP) even took him on a Camaro cruise to the Grand Canyon. Upon learning this, Hurley goes bonkers and is sent back to Santa Rosa Mental Health Institute, where he befriends Georgina Sparks, who was removed from boot camp and sent to the home of the crazies for continuing to obsess over her imaginary boyfriend Stan Gumphrey. Together, Hurley and Georgina plot against Bass Industries, a subsidiary of... dun dun dun... WIDMORE INDUSTRIES! What secrets will the mental patients unearth? Is Chuck secretly Penny's half brother? Why is Chace Crawford a paid actor? Is Nelly Yuki Miles' daughter? Is asking that question any more racist than the assumption that Miles is Dr. Chang's son because he's Asian or pulling our eyes back a la Miley Cyrus? So many questions-- I wonder if JJ Schwabrams will ever give us the answers.

Stalkward: No, This Is How You Lean Like Cholo

2009-02-03T17:53:00.000-05:00

Ugly Betty's America Ferrera and Jay-Z sit court side and uncomfortable at an L.A. Lakers game.

Look Who's Slitting It Up Again

2009-02-03T12:53:00.000-05:00

A day is not complete without an inappropriate photo leak from the most overexposed underage sufferer of multiple personality disorder on the planet. Usually in said images, Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus' midriff is bare, her lips are overtly pouted, her pants are non-existent, and her camera and mirror are there to encapsulate these private moments every 16-year-old attention whore on MySpace can relate to. But in today's leak, Miley not only has a whopping two layers of fabric (plus her 20-year-old boyfriend's arm) covering her usually visible boyshorts, she's also not pouting and instead, mocking the entire Asian American community. It was bad enough when the not-yet-legal Disney star went around using their signature greeting...

Now, she had to go steal their eyes? I mean, really, Miley, if you're going to cross over to the land of racially explicit photography, you could at least come up with an original approach. Spain's Olympic men's basketball team as well as their women's tennis team, the Argentinian Olympic women's soccer team, and every first grader whose recited the "Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these" rhyme have made us all tired of the slanty-eyed emphasis gesture.

Good news for the AZN, however, is that this has galvanized the association for people against finger face lifts, otherwise known as the OCA. The Asian American advocacy group executive director, George Wu says, "Not only has Miley Cyrus and the other individuals in the photograph encouraged and legitimized the taunting and mocking of people of Asian descent, she has also insulted her many Asian Pacific American fans. The inclusion of an Asian Pacific American individual in the photo does not make it acceptable." I guess next, Mr. Wu will go to Miley's homeland of Magic Kingdom and chastise after every person wearing socks and sandals, despite the likely park presence of an actual Asian.

But furreals, Miley should say she's sorry... and not with a distorted "r," especially since it's bad enough that the girl has a serious lisp.

Sacked By the Super Bowl

2009-02-03T02:35:00.000-05:00

It's been four years since Janet Jackson's infamous nip slip lead to the coining of the term "wardrobe malfunction" during the 2004 Super Bowl. Since then, the FCC hasn't let the SB be and they've been ubercautious about what is shown during the most watched TV time slot of the year... until this year, apparently. Before Sunday's big game even kicked off, the triple X factor of the Super Bowl commenced with PETA's banned "Veggie Love" ad:

'Veggie Love': PETA's Banned Super Bowl Ad

The animal rights activists are known for their strategically clothesless celebrity print ads, but put their stills together to form a moving picture and apparently, they've gone too far. NBC ruled that the commercial "depicts a level of sexuality exceeding our standards." While it might seem that greens would be difficult to raunch up to such an extreme (especially considering a cucumber is not involved), the network's description of what was wrong with the ad was equally, if not more explicit than the 30-second segment itself. NBC claimed that "rubbing pelvic region with pumpkin," "asparagus on her lap appearing as if it is ready to be inserted into vagina," and "screwing herself with broccoli (fuzzy)" (among other concerns) all made the PETA ad too steamed-vegetabley for the airwaves. And what's the point of all this dirty veggie action (blurry), you might ask? Well, PETA claims, "Vegetarians have better sex." I wouldn't necessarily argue against that, as long as we're talking about doing produce, instead of people.

As the naughty Super Bowl festivities continued, halftime performer Bruce Springsteen decided his always tight black pants did not give the American public enough of a close-up look at his genitals and thus, decided to do a knee slide directly into the camera lens. As The Boss serenaded the football fans in Tampa, viewers at home got even more intimate with NJ's finest when he tea-bagged the entire nation.

Generally, when balls are unsuspectingly forced upon me, I don't take kindly to them. But something about Mr. Springsteen's endearing smile as he backed away from the camera he just technologically raped via old man rockstar move made the indecent exposure more charming than violating. His face said, "Shit! I just made dick to face contact with 95.4 million people in a matter of seconds. My b. ::boyish giggle::"

But perhaps the most XXX portion of Super Bowl 43 was seen only by the select group of Comcast subscribers in Tuscon, Arizona... and anyone who has access to the internets. When the game finally picked up at the end of the fourth quarter, some customers experienced something a bit more shocking than Larry Fitzgerald's touchdown. (Here's the completely NSFW clip, if you dare.) With just 2:37 left in the game, the broadcast froze on the Pittsburg Steelers' James Harrison before cutting to a half-naked female and famed porn star, Evan Stone, accompanied by a cameraman's voiceover saying, "Just slap his penis through his pants." If I had a penny for every time a sportscaster gave that commentary. And if that wasn't scarring enough for viewers of all ages, Mr. Stone then released the beast, stood up, and waved it around a bit, both outdoing The Boss and creating the most vial sound effect I can recall in recent history. As the company continues to investigate the truth behind the second close encounter viewers had with gonads for the evening, they're offering viewers who were subjected to the inappropriate clip a $10 credit, marking the first time in history anyone was mad for receiving free porn.

Stuffy, Puffy, Constipated... Cover Girls

2009-02-03T01:02:00.000-05:00

Most Jealous Kim Cattrall Got the Lead in Mannequin: Jennifer Connelly

Most Missing the 80s Shoulderwear: Gwyneth Paltrow

Most Likely to Become BeneFiber's Spokeswoman: Mary-Kate Olsen

Fashion Weak

2009-02-03T00:41:00.000-05:00

Chris Brown's got this appliqué where his heart used to be. I'm 99 percent sure I owned something strikingly similar to Chris Brown's shiny sequin sapphire crewneck article about two decades ago, except in hot pink, likely worn with tie-dyed leggings, and a far less of a "you want a piece?" facial expression. Either way, I do appreciate the dichotomous nature of this look. Plus, it's giving me the urge to Care Bear countdown five... four... three... two... one.

Because Mark Zuckerberg Limits Me to 160 Characters...

2009-01-01T21:28:00.000-05:00

Though I'm still wondering which was a more painful way to ring in 2009 via Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve-- watching the awkward public post-break-up run in between Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas, obviously standing on opposite sides of a Ryan Seacrest sandwich or straining to understand the post-stroke speech patterns of the famed American TV show personality and wishing he could be dubbed over with the script of a rerun of $100,000 Pyramid-- I don't think I can officially move forward in the last year of the first decade of the 21st century without looking back on the fondest memories the entertainment world brought to us in 2008. So, without further ado... I bring you the best of the past year...

10. Snuggies, Slankets, and Nuddles... Oh My

You know when you're sitting on the couch, huddled under a fleece blanket, enjoying that Jon & Kate Plus 8 marathon when all of sudden, it's 2 a.m. and Alexis and Aaden Gosselin are replaced by Property Latter? You're not about to watch yet another show on house flipping, particularly if its host isn't struggling with obsessive compulsive disorder, but the remote is aaaallll the way on the opposite side of that cuddly covering, as is your hand and the thought of moving your arm from under that afghan is just too much to bear. Fear not, incredibly lazy individual who has some sort of desire to look like a survivor of the Heaven's Gate mass suicide because this year, the infomercial market abounded with an answer to your problems-- blankets with sleeves.

The tampon-esque list of things the Snuggie (and its replicas, the Slanket and Nuddle) allows you to do is probably my favorite part-- if can only imagine if I entered my dorm room and my college roommate was wearing one of these friar frocks or if my family members showed up at a sporting event fresh from the parish. I recommend you all invest. Sure, we're all trying to cut back during these tough financial times, but for a mere $27.90, you can use your hands again.

9. The Best of Both of Miley Cyrus' Worlds: Chillin' Out, Take It Ho

You would think with the extremely high level of overexposure newly 16-year-old Miley Cyrus reached over the past 365 days, she would be cautious after someone hacked into her Sidekick and exposed some PG-rated pictures of her and her friend (sadly, not BFF Leslie) at a sleepover at the end of last year. But the Nashville native clearly could care less about her thousands of elementary school-aged fans since it seemed like every week, we saw a "leaked" picture of Miley pursing her lips together, lifting up her shirt, and exposing her midriff in a mirror Myspace style self-portrait. Vanessa Hudgens may have been the first to break Disney's squeaky clean seal, but Miley tore it open with the same teeth she used to lift up her top.... again and again. So where was Billy Ray's achy breaky heart during all of this photo leakage? I'd guess directing.

8. NKOTB's Still Got It (The Right Stuff)

Having not had an older sibling, I kind of missed the New Kids on the Block boat a bit. Yes, I know the lyrics to "Step By Step," "Hangin' Tough," and "You Got It (The Right Stuff)" and sure, I had a Joey Mac doll and continue to hope he always stays the same, but I was a bit young to appreciate them during their time. Thus, when they made their big move back with The Block, I could appreciate the excitement of those five years my senior, but it wasn't a must-see show for me. Still, when I was invited by my friend Chris and his sister, Bridgette to attend, I was not about to turn down the experience of seeing NKOTB fans past their prime. Between the text messages sent to stage-side screens about their desire to be Donnie's "cover girl" or others looking for some "face time" with Joey (all inside New Kids jokes I eventually caught onto), Jordan Knight's solo performance augmented by a wind machine and an open button-down shirt, new lyrics with timely pop culture references ("gotta know if you're made at me before Grey's Anatomy" being my undeniable favorite), and choreographed microphone-incorporated dance moves,I was absolutely not disappointed. The first time was indeed a great time.

7. Vivienne & Knox Jolie-Pitt: Don't Look Directly At Them

In case it hasn't been made apparent by this point, in my humble opinion, these are hands down the most beautiful human specimens on the planet. Whether they made them or chose them from a third world country that's soon to be on a hot list of places from which to adopt, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have created a family that really shouldn't be stared at for too long out of fear of severe retinal burning. Never did I ever think I'd side with the cheater and his mistress, but when the two of you are that attractive and Jennifer Aniston is that annoying, exceptions can be made.

6. Scene & Heard, Thanks to Metro Station

Whip out one of your pre-school cartoon tees, preferably featuring robotz and dinasawrz, pull on your denim miniskirt (or brightly colored skinny jeans), tease the crown of your hair, slide on a series of illogically combined bracelets, practice your MySpace self-portrait pout, pierce an odd portion of your face that really doesn't have enough skin or logic to be studded (i.e. upper lip), clip on a baby barrette, cake on the black eye make-up, get a really deep tattoo (preferably in Edwardian Script font) and you can likely call yourself a Scene Kid-- or at least, a Scene "poser," thus illustrating the likely unintentional misspellings that are super popular amongst these kids.

Despite my former job [un]fortunately allowing me access to the awful speech patterns, seemingly inability to bathe, and faux retro fashion of this newest clique categorization, I must say, I've come to love the king and queen of this movement-- Metro Station's Trace Cyrus (yes, as in Miley's half brother) and his girlfriend Hanna Beth. Trace's face is even more horselike than our favorite at number nine and he has the same tendency to remove the opposite area of his clothing and photographing it:

The extreme Cyrus exhibitionism (note: I await the day Billy Ray exposes the lumpy cranium below his ever-changing mullet) combined with Trace's bands' immensely catchy "Shake It" and "Seventeen Forever" (which, if you watch the cameos carefully, is quite the family affair) and the fact that these guys take themselves as seriously as cancer in space full of carnies, only makes me love all things scene that much more.

5. Lindsay Lohan Made the World A Little Bit More Comfortable With Lesbianism

It's a relationship as illicit as it is explicit. The public fights, the co-deejaying gigs, the sapphic chain-smoking breaks, and the not-so-secret MySpace blogging messages that have made up this year-long romance have given us the hope that a) The L Word is more realistic than previously imagined and b) perhaps we're closer to accepting same-sex relationships than the disappointing passing of Prop 8 this year would allude. I mean, sure, Lindsay and Samantha (not Sam) are no Mrs. and Mrs. DeGenerossi, but seeing a gay couple on the celebrity relationship pages of Us Weekly and Seventeen alike (not that I don't still flip through the holy grail of all things traumarama, which may or may not still be addressed to me at my parent's house) does show that some sort of shift in the right direction is being made.

Plus, despite the fact that Linds literally didn't release one movie in the past year, she managed to maintain a level of A-list tabloid fame solely due to this forbidden female love affair. Though the always-thoughtful fatherly figure Michael Lohan might think Samantha is ridding on Lindsay's coattails, we all know who's guiltiest of that offense:

ALI LOHAN LOVE <3

4. kanYe West HAS BLOG RAGE !!!!!!!!!!11!!!!1

We all know that mixing liquor and technology is quite dangerous. But some people really need to stay away from the keyboard when they're angry as well. Enter Kanye West, also known as the self-proclaimed greatest human ever to take a step on this planet. This year we learned many things about Kanye via his blog, the first being, he knows who's on the up and up. Exhibit A) Under his regular "Fresh Kid" feature, Kanye brought us this budding comedienne-- Ellen DeGeneres. I don't know if any of you have ever heard of her or anything, but if Mr. West has taken her under his wing I'm sure we'll see more from her soon, like maybe on NBC for an hour long five-year running talk show, for example. Exhibit B) This ANGELINA JOLIE entry. The looks vaguely familiar, but I'm not quite sure I've seen any of her work before. So I took some time (thanks to Kanye's reposting of her incredibly trustworthy Wikipedia page, as he did with Ms. DeGeneres') to read up. I suggest you do the same. I think she'll reappear at some point.

The second thing I learned from my time at Kanye Universe City is that ScarJo is the white girl he'd leave yo ass fo. It's still hard to say how'd she stand up against the black female community, but this is quite the feat for Scarlett. Next to producing the year's most boring music video, I'd say this is her greatest achievement of 2008.

And the final lesson Mr. West schooled me in this year is that if you cross him, he will bust a serious CAPS LOCK on your ass. When the World Wide Web took to its pages to bash Kanye's delayed performance at Bonaroo Music Festival this summer, even grafitti-ing port-a-potties to say "Fuck Kanye", Mr. West had enough. In his UNTITLED blog entry, we found out that his anger manifests itself in a tendency to replace the word "to" with the number 2, excessive punctuation, overused capitalization, product placement, f bombs, and marine name-calling. Basically, it's like an angsty teen's entry about her ex boyfriend she dated for three weeks. For example, "I'm typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!!" I'm not sure if this is desperate attempt for Kanye to assert his manhood by claiming his fingers are strong enough to destroy a five-pound computer, but that statement definitely struck fear in the hearts of many. Kanye Went on to say, "I HAVE A FUCKING LIGHT SHOW DUMB ASS, IT'S NOT CALLED GLOW IN THE DARK FOR NO REASON SQUID BRAINS!" So "Glow in the Dark" is not ironic? That's a shame-- I'd given him more literary credit than he deserves apparently. Also, Squid Brains? Them's fighting words. I'm quite familiar with this insult, but I'd imagine it's somewhere in between Doodie Head and Fraidy Cat. Given the fact that Kanye is obviously full of these damaging insults and has the strength in 10 fingers to destroy the world's lightest laptop, I think it's safe to say no one will deface him on a public portable lavatory ever again.

3. Mashups Make Me Wanna Make Love In This Club

Though I previously thought of this combined form of online media as a creepy form of fandom in which people edit pieces of movies or TV shows together to make it look like there were sparks between two platonic characters thanks to some well-timed soft rock, this year, I learned how enjoyable mashups can be.

I'm not sure how people are able to coordinate an anthropomorphic rat and his bandmates' movements and mouths with Usher's "Love In This Club" or Bert and Ernie's puppet lips with gangsta rap or Barney crankin' that with small Asian children, but I appreciate their efforts and I thank them for forever tarnishing my love of Munch's Make Believe Band and making me want to hop on over to the nearest Chuck E. Cheese's to see if perhaps they've switched from country time jamboree jams to the sounds of sensual R & B.

2. Tina Fey Proves I Can See Genius from My Living Room

It's easy to look like former Vice Presidential candidate Alaska Governor Sarah Palin-- poof up the crown of your hair (preferably using Bump Its, for the Amy Winehouse in all of us), put on a pair of thin-frame glasses, and step into the skirt suit your mom wore to your Bat Mitzvah luncheon and, as a plethora of Halloween costume goers could attest to this past October, you're good to go. But the former SNL head writer and current head genius behind 30 Rock, Tina Fey really outdid herself. Words cannot adequately describe my immense love of the woman who has yet to let me down with a Thursday night episode (including bringing on two of my least favorite people in the universe-- Jennifer Aniston and Oprah-- on for guest stints) and seeing her back on Saturday nights for a month straight was almost too much for my heart to handle. Although some might view it as abuse of her celebri-tay, I think it's safe to say we (being the United States of America under Obama) owe Tina for making sure the MILF-cum-GILF stayed in the land where the largest number of teens get knocked up and turkey slaughtering isn't cause for concern. Needless to say, it's a good think that the Alaskan governor's chances in D.C. were licked. Right, Piper?

1. Britney... 'Nuff Said

For those of you who have known me since a 16-year-old Britney Spears first emerged on the scene amongst her male-dominated pop music peers like Ricky Martin, *NSYNC, and Will Smith in 1998 with this gem, you know how smitten I was from the start. Needless to stay, the last few years (otherwise known as the Catastrophic Post K. Fed Era) I've been worried. Admittedly, my faith and devotion both began to dwindle as Britney simultaneously began to lose her children, blond tresses, sanity, and underwear; but deep down, I knew a true comeback (Note: can't we just pretend the '08 VMA's never happened?) was on the horizon. And when "Womanizer" premiered in late September, I received the greatest birthday gift I could have wished for. It was indeed Britney, bitch... and she was back. Sure, the song has fewer lyrics than her previous tracks (likely because she's unable to remember more than 10 words at a time) and video is essentially "Toxic" redux (with added sauna scene for his pleasure), but I'm just glad she's put down the green umbrella and clippers long enough to get her shit back together. Yes, this year's VMA's may or may not have been staged in Britney's favor and she was obviously treated like a slow kid on the short bus who was given a bit of a head start in a game of hide & seek, if all it takes is a couple moon men (and a less busted weave) to put her back on track, it's well worth it.

Expect more on Brit's comeback when I complete my Northeastern stalking session of The Circus tour in March.

So happy belated 2009 to all! Here's to an even better last year of the first decade of the 21st century, with a lot less of this:

And a whole lot more of this: