On Sunday, I had the distinct pleasure of partaking in something I haven't had the pleasure of doing since high school... watching the Academy Awards with my mom, to who I attribute a healthy portion of my unhealthy obsession with all things Hollywood. What that lead to was a whole lotta (mostly racist) commentary, of which, I bring you her top pearls of wisdom...
1.
Tilda Swinton announces Penelope Cruz as the winner of Best Performance By An Actress in a Supporting Role for Vicky Christina Barcelona, to which, my mom says, "Ugh… she’s going to start speaking Spanish." And when the inevitable Spanish came, "What-EH-ver!" (think Amber in Clueless) "Did I tell you?"
2.
In the most enjoyably award moment of the evening, Jennifer Aniston steps on the stage to present with Jack Black, eliciting this comment, "Will somebody please tell Jennifer Aniston that she’s 40? She’s not Lauren Conrad!" As the mom-deemed LC wannabe stood just a few feet away from front row couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the ingenious camerafolk did not let this rare moment slip away as they constantly cut between the ex and the couple she's jealous of. Mom obviously caught on, saying, “Brad is definitely scratching his beard thinking, ‘I’m so glad I got rid of her.’” Ayyyyyy men, Mama.
3.
During that two and half hour Oscar Ceremony lull between the two awards and six awards people care about, my mom found herself predicting what language the largely non-American winners would speak. So when Best Animated Short Film winner, Kunio Kato took the stage for La Maison En Petits Cubes, she nailed it with this comment, "Just start speaking Asian." Then she became increasingly infuriated by the broken English and decided, "I think think they should have a requirement that you have to speak English in order to accept an Oscar." Clearly, she did not appreciate the Styx reference.
4. While I was busy cracking up with Seth Rogen when this happened as James Franco announced Jochen Alexander Freydank, director of Best Live Action Short Film winner for Spielzeugland...
my mom was busy critiquing Mr. Freydankydank's appearance. "He like has a shelf over his eyes where his eyebrows are," she observed. "It's like an overhang... like a built-in visor." Subtle anti-Asian reference anyone?
5.
There's really no explanation necessary for this fantastical fifties toy reference. “Will Smith’s hair looks like one of those Wooly Willy magnet things. It’s so shiny and perfectly square.”
6. Despite the fact that Mr. Smith is known for making rap easy enough for white people to sing along to, his inclusion in the ceremony set off the very tiny diversity-seeking lightbulb in my mom's head. "Look how few black people there are," she remarked. "It looks like a sea of white faces. They should represent. They can speak English."
7. As the part of a pair of presenters whose presence at the Oscars I could not begin understand, Alicia Keys joined Zac Efron to introduce Best Original Score.
My mother has long criticized Alicia for her bad skin since we saw her at a Z100 Zootopia concert nearly a decade ago and though she seems to have gotten that sitch under control, my mom managed to use it against her, pointing out, “What happened to her eyes? She used to much ProActiv on her face and lost them.”
8. And lastly, though my mama is quick to shed tears during nearly any and every maudlin television programing, Anne Hathaway's "Holy Shit... Shirley MacLaine Is Pretending To Know Who I Am And This Will Totes Be My Only [Undeserved] Oscar Nod" water works did not work on her.
Instead, the woman who had been nodding off just moments prior was unmoved, saying, “Oh Anne. Sit down and shut up.” Please note this last quote is largely here to offer some sort of assurance (for both myself and others) that my mom isn't a complete bigot since she even hates a brown-haired, brown-haired girl from New Jersey.
