While you were realizing just how many Rihanna song lyrics seem to set up perfect headlines for her alleged violent vehicular encounter with I'm-going-to-guess-former boyfriend, Chris Brown ("SOS," "Disturbia," "Take A Bow," "Unfaithful," "Shut Up & Drive," and "Hate That I Love You"), the most obscure people who may or may not have ever actually met either half of the couple have been coming forward with their thoughts on their assault case. And so, I bring you the most ridiculous statements celebrities and people who are using this opportunity to become celebrities have made in response to Mr. Brown and Ms. I'll-give-anyone-$10-if-they-know-Ri's-last-name-without-Wikipedia-ing's situation.
10. After Wrigley's had one last go of airing Chris Brown's "Forever" commercial during the most cringe-worthy advertisement during the Grammy's, a second sponsor also decided to drop CB. "The Milk Mustache campaign is taking the allegations against Chris Brown very seriously," a company rep told Usmagazine.com. "We are very proud and protective of the image of the Milk Mustache campaign and the responsible message it sends to teens." Right. Is that why A Rod (or as The New York Post would refer to him, A-Roid or A-Fraud) and Christian "Think For One Fucking Second" Bale are still counted as milk mustache wearers? If you're going to take calcium-building facial hair seriously, the rules should apply universally.
9. Who better to shed some light on the darkness of this domestic abuse situation than the 19-year-old singer's former physical education instructor. "I've never known Chris to be combative," his high school gym teacher from Tappahannock, Virginia, Lyn Amos, told People. "He's always low-key, easygoing." The present use of this statement leads me to believe that Ms. Amos (who is hopefully related to Tori) was likely tracked down by People and is mistakenly referring to a different Chris Brown; either that or sometimes the suspect heads home for a game of prisoner dodge ball.
8. But besides the warm-up-suit-wearing people from his past, who better to instruct us on Chris' mild manner than his longtime wardrobe stylist who goes by a last initial, Mike B. "He's a good kid," Mr. B assured People. "He feels very bad that something like this has happened." As much as I want to believe that's true, I really can't say I trust the man who thinks he should get paid to tell someone this is a good thing to put on your body.
7. Long Island, N.Y. Radio Station WBLI invited RiRi fans across the nation to partake in their "Shred Your Ex" party, where the most bitter people in the tristate area will happily destroy Chris Brown's CDs and posters as well as other mementos, photos and letters from an exes. In addition to having ordered in an authentic wood shredder for the occasion, WBLI will also be pulling Brown's music from the station all day on Friday. "Valentine's Day should stand for love so we find it fitting to make the Friday the 13th right before Valentine's Day a day for revenge for those who were unlucky in love," Nancy Cambino, WBLI's operations manager, told CBS. "Whether you're a Rihanna fan or not, we can all empathize with being with someone who caused love to go wrong." I'm not so sure sending the message that getting hit is on par with getting dumped is the right one, but I'm going to imagine a crowd full of women with pompadours, chanting "So live your life... aye-eh, aye-eh, aye-eh." Let's hope there's video.
6. Another unnamed friend of Mr. Brown told People, "Chris really feels bad about the whole situation, about it coming out the way that it happened, the way he went about it, the way she went about it... it's just a wack situation." This statement from an anonymous FOCer (friend of Chris) tells us a few things. A) It's okay to hit someone as long as you feel bad afterwards. B) It's okay to brush off assault as "wack." C) It's okay to say "wack" again. I'm enlightened... you?
5. But who doesn't love it when relatively irrelevant celebrities take it upon themselves to comment. "I spoke to him today," T.I. said on Late Call With Carson Daly. "He cool, you know. I mean, I guess he a little concerned about his situation, but he's still the same Chris. I told him, 'This too shall pass.' People just got to remember we celebrities, we entertainers, but we still human-- all of us. Don't expect for us not to make mistakes, because we will." Besides the fact T.I. got so much swagga he don't even need helping verbs, he also knows what it's like to travel on The Road to Redemption and make money off of one's felonies. I can only imagine what Chris Brown's approach to a mini-series about his misdemeanors would look like-- I'd picture it To Catch A Predator stylez, in which women would annoy their significant others to the point of physical abuse (because we all know they usually are asking for it) and then Mr. Brown would walk in as the Domestic Abuse Vigilante, offering the attacker a stick of Wrigley's.
4. On that note of the abused playing equal if not more of a role in their attack, I bring you my second wisest Phylicia on the planet, after Ms. Rashad, of course. "Everybody loved Chris," Phylicia Thompson, the R & B artist's cousin told Extra!, who was obviously so lost for words that she wound up quoting a different famous Chris' TV show title. "Chris was not brought up...to beat on a woman. So it had to be something to provoke him for Chris to do it. He wouldn't have done it just to be having fun." After all, what's more fun than domestic abuse? Let me know if you come up with something.
3. It's been five days since news first broke of the violent end to Chris and Rihanna's relationship. That's just enough time for Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis to finish up his house arrest and joke about abusing women. Outside an LA club with Kourtney Kardashian, TMZ caught Joe saying, "I'm gonna go Chris Brown on her ass right now." Too soon? Mr. Francis thinks not... and his moral compass is usually set due north.
2. Since Rihanna was a staple on Kanye West's Glow in the Dark tour, there really isn't anyone more qualified than this list's second celebrity to shed some neon light on this situation. “I was completely devastated by the concept of what I heard to the point that I was completely devastated during my 'American Boy' performance," Mr. West, who recently adopted AC Slater's mullet, told KISS FM. In one sentence, he managed to both express his feelings on his former tourmate's alleged attack and preemptively defend his Grammy performance, should the critics have mocked him for it. What a word smith that man is. "I don’t care how famous she is or if she just worked at McDonald’s," Kanye went on to say, "that should never happen." And with that shout-out, Kanye filled his quota to his biggest fan club, "Girls Who Wear Their Names in Gold-Plated Hoops While Serving Up McFlurries and Listening to 'Gold Digger.'"
1. As for the top moment, someone had to say it and I'm glad it was the star of Hustle & Flow. "It's just life, man," Terrence Howard told Hollywood.TV. "Chris is a great guy. He'll be all right. And Rihanna knows he loves her." And that's why he beat her... to say he loves her. Um... duh. Seriously, cut the guy some slack. I mean, it's just about as hard out here for an abusive boyfriend as it is for a pimp... when he tryin' to get this money for the rent. For the Cadillacs and gas money spent... cause a whole lotta bitches jumpin' ship. Because those bitches are both pirates and have to hide their black eyes. Good thing Rihanna's is bedazzled already! Thanks, Aretha.
