Presently Progressing

The genius minds behind Channing Tatum's new film, which shockingly has nothing to do with hip-hop dancing from what I can discern, are revolutionizing film nomenclature history as the movie hits theaters this weekend.

No longer will you have to ask your friends, "What's that about again?" upon entering your nearest cineplex because now, the title will make it as clear as day.

Using a highly advanced generator, I've also renamed today's newest releases and other movies dominating the current Top 10.

May I present...

Samantha Parkington Resurrected

The blondest people on the planet are trying to cover their asses ever since Lauren Conrad announced she would not be returning for another season of Not Eating At Restaurants While Staring and Smirking and Eventually Crying Black Tears also known as The Hills. Though Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have managed to occupy some of their newfound free time increasing the size of certain body parts and/or shaving other parts, they're apparently moving on to a world quite different from the one they've known... by casting a new reality show.

AMERICAN GIRLS CASTING

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag (MTV’s “THE HILLS”) are producing a brand new reality television show, and are searching for outgoing, attractive females to star on the show.

If you're over 18, have a dynamic personality, and are interested in traveling, email the following information to americangirlscasting@gmail.com.

1. Name and age

2. Contact Information (Phone Number and email)

3. Current Picture(s)

4. Three words that describe yourself.

So if any of your are looking to make it big, maybe Heidi and Spencer can help you out.

I'd imagine their top five contestants will look something like these five lovely ladies.

1.
Think Jessica of Laguna Beach: Seasons 2 & 3







2.
Think Bre of America's Next Top Model: Cycle 5

3.Think Wendy Pepper of Project Runway: Season 1








4.
Think Megan Hauserman of Rock of Love: Season 2, I Love Money, Rock of Love: Charm School and Beauty and The Geek: Season 3 (I mean.... Huh? What? Who put that there? Who would watch all five seasons of that show?)











5.

Think Brooke of Real World: Denver

What better way to see the retired old gals back in action?

Fashion Weak: Socks and Scandals

I have never hidden my detestation of Chloe Sevigny (whose umlaut I've omitted because a) it's obnoxious and b) I don't know how to type it into this trusty blogger format without the assistance of Microsoft Word's "Insert Symbol" feature). Not only do I not understand how one film role and one TV role are enough to sustain such a level of fame, I also do not understand why Vogue continues to worship the ground she walks on monthly, especially when she's walking in these bad boys...

No, your eyes are not deceiving you; that would be the "it" girl herself stomping around Coachella Music Festival in white ankle socks and brown Teva-like sandals, something most people over the age of seven consider a crime against humanity only their fathers would commit or an attempt form the Orthodox Jewish community to participate in summer fashion. But what could make this worse?

Black socks. I fear (slash secretly hope) that we'll next see her sporting a fanny pack around that floral dress and croakies attached to her Ray-Bans.

Just Dance, Dance, Dance... Until You Die!

I may have criticized Lady GaGa's fashion plagiarism on a previous occasion, but upon seeing this photo of the pantsless wonder wandering around London with her precious tea cup that she'd left at a restaurant...

...I was truly horrified and not only because she obviously stole Yoko's glasses and one of the "very expensive" hats Vivian Ward purchased on Rodeo Drive with Barney's help.

The true burglary lies in lips.

I do not think Winifred Sanderson would be amused.