I have never hidden my detestation of Chloe Sevigny (whose umlaut I've omitted because a) it's obnoxious and b) I don't know how to type it into this trusty blogger format without the assistance of Microsoft Word's "Insert Symbol" feature). Not only do I not understand how one film role and one TV role are enough to sustain such a level of fame, I also do not understand why Vogue continues to worship the ground she walks on monthly, especially when she's walking in these bad boys...
No, your eyes are not deceiving you; that would be the "it" girl herself stomping around Coachella Music Festival in white ankle socks and brown Teva-like sandals, something most people over the age of seven consider a crime against humanity only their fathers would commit or an attempt form the Orthodox Jewish community to participate in summer fashion. But what could make this worse?
Black socks. I fear (slash secretly hope) that we'll next see her sporting a fanny pack around that floral dress and croakies attached to her Ray-Bans.
I refuse to lie about my pop culture indiscretions. On June 9, 2008 at 7:41 p.m., I downloaded Lady GaGa's "Just Dance." I have since listened to it 66 times. Though GaGa's name stems from the noise we attribute to babies but never actually hear them make, she only owns clothing from American Apparel, and her wig is eerily reminiscent of a female Simple Jack (Simple Jack-ay, if you will), the infectious dance beat of her premiere single coupled with ingeniously relatable lyrics about nights out (a la "Where are my keys? I lost my phone" and "What's the name of this club? I can't remember but it's alright") helped me overlook the aforementioned factors. But now, Miss Ga has crossed the line.
Now, we all remember the look Queen Aretha Franklin used to understandably steal Barack Obama's thunder on Inauguration Day (because he's really such an attention whore), but I'm going to repost anyway because it's just so shiny...
Blink a few times to adjust your eyes to the bedazzlement. You might be asking, "What does this have to do with electropop artist, Lady GaGa?" Well Mom, I'll show you.
Below is the evolution of the Lady in question's locks to the current point of cranial plagiarism.
While the overgrown accessory may be more dull and less old-timey-movie-theater-ushery than Aretha's, Lady GaGa is still walking dangerously close to the line of crazy headgear copyright infringement. She's going to have to quit her use of large bows and bow down to the bitch who started the trend. We'll talk about her theft of the second blind mouse's sunglass collection at a later point.
Though it's been nearly a month since she premiered this look at the Golden Globes, Drew Barrymore (who apparently has a tongue ring now) is currently on the chick flickiest of media tours promoting He's Just Not That Into You. In conjunction with the film's title and premise, CBS asked "Dr. Drew" for dating advice. Obviously, the former wife of a man whose greatest accomplishment was "The Bum Bum Song" is an expert. I guess that's why her hair is so big-- because it's full of relationship secrets.
With gems like "I'm like a shark who somebody stuck two knives in my eyes," she's obviously well- and logically- versed in matters of the heart. Plus, she knows her speech impediments well enough to avoid similes using copious amounts of s's. Wait, I'm sorry... did she actually say "verbal gymnathtiths?"
But perhaps the greatest pearl of wisdom Ms. Barrymore bestowed upon us via Julie Chen was this: "Men build bridges. They want to get from here to there. They make it happen. They can find you. If they're not calling, they're not in! I mean, it's amazing what lengths men will go to get from here to there." When asked about her gender's relationship with overpasses, she said, "We want to decorate it and talk about how fabulous it's going to be in 30 years." Apparently to Drew, all women are prophetic Carson Kressleys.
Of course, we could blame these absolutely nonsensical love lessons on the excessive drugs and alcohol she experimented with back when the rest of did in fourth grade, but I'm going to have to go ahead and say it's the aerosol cans she likely both inhaled while spraying to secure her coiff. I do, however, appreciate the comb-over approach during the CBS interview. Perhaps it was an homage to BFF Cameron Diaz' infamous There's Something About Mary hair, but it's a bit problematic when you're resembling a look styled with semen. Juuuuust sayin'.
Chris Brown's got this appliqué where his heart used to be. I'm 99 percent sure I owned something strikingly similar to Chris Brown's shiny sequin sapphire crewneck article about two decades ago, except in hot pink, likely worn with tie-dyed leggings, and a far less of a "you want a piece?" facial expression. Either way, I do appreciate the dichotomous nature of this look. Plus, it's giving me the urge to Care Bear countdown five... four... three... two... one.
