Stalkward: Swine-i Edition

After watching Hilary Duff's admittedly mildly impressive Gone Baby Gone-inspired performance on Law and Order: SVU last night, I, for some unholy reason, subjected myself to the reportage on the latest in the disease formerly known as Swine Flu. Though I learned absolutely nothing about H1N1 from Sue Simmons and Chuck Scarborough, I was shocked to see the milieu of Manhattan residents (albeit, largely Asian) now donning face masks and wondered who the eff actually thinks those less-than-a-centimeter thick pieces of paper defend against the powers of an illness fatal enough to kill a Mexican infant. Low and behold, I found these photos of Speidi...





Here are the newlywed Pratts on a pre-honeymoon (no, I have no idea what that is) trip to the birthplace of the newest flu strain, despite VP Biden's sound travel warning. I'm pretty sure kissing those lips and breathing in the fine Cabo San Mucus air would be deadly in most circumstances, but these two impossible to kill off... much like another mask-wearer from the classic Scream film series.

Samantha Parkington Resurrected

The blondest people on the planet are trying to cover their asses ever since Lauren Conrad announced she would not be returning for another season of Not Eating At Restaurants While Staring and Smirking and Eventually Crying Black Tears also known as The Hills. Though Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have managed to occupy some of their newfound free time increasing the size of certain body parts and/or shaving other parts, they're apparently moving on to a world quite different from the one they've known... by casting a new reality show.

AMERICAN GIRLS CASTING

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag (MTV’s “THE HILLS”) are producing a brand new reality television show, and are searching for outgoing, attractive females to star on the show.

If you're over 18, have a dynamic personality, and are interested in traveling, email the following information to americangirlscasting@gmail.com.

1. Name and age

2. Contact Information (Phone Number and email)

3. Current Picture(s)

4. Three words that describe yourself.

So if any of your are looking to make it big, maybe Heidi and Spencer can help you out.

I'd imagine their top five contestants will look something like these five lovely ladies.

1.
Think Jessica of Laguna Beach: Seasons 2 & 3







2.
Think Bre of America's Next Top Model: Cycle 5

3.Think Wendy Pepper of Project Runway: Season 1








4.
Think Megan Hauserman of Rock of Love: Season 2, I Love Money, Rock of Love: Charm School and Beauty and The Geek: Season 3 (I mean.... Huh? What? Who put that there? Who would watch all five seasons of that show?)











5.

Think Brooke of Real World: Denver

What better way to see the retired old gals back in action?

The Brostest With The Mostest

Though I'd recommend you all watch the entire finale of an MTV-recorded quest for friendship only slightly less genuine than Paris Hilton's My New BFF that is Brody Jenner's Bromance (as well as the five episodes that preceded it), I deem it necessary to view the last two minutes of this brosome programming for a look at what's coming up on Brody's next manciful journey... for a babymance. Thanks to my sister's viewing of what was easily the best hexalogical programming in television history on iTunes as opposed to waiting on her bed with baited breath for the original finale airing on MTV last Tuesday at 9, she unearthed this gem of a spoof on the original Bromance commercial, which posed the question on everyone's mind...

"What's a bromance? A bromance is a bond between you and your go-to guy," Brody previously cleared up the portmanteau once plastered across Jake Gyllenhaal, Lance Armstrong, and Matthew McConaughey. But in the last minute and a half of the first video, good ole BJ takes the time to clear up an even bigger mystery in regards to his upcoming pursuit for a go-to fetu. "What's a baby?" Spencer Pratt's former BBFLYLAB asks. "It's like a little human being, but with less hair." After pointing out that babies are popping up everywhere these days, which may or may not have been a growing trend since the inception of mankind, B. Jens ays he's on a the hunt for the "coolest baby" with the "coolest name" who can handle his lifestyle.

I'm pretty sure this kid with the power tool is the best fit.

But perhaps Mr. Jenner (not Bruce... his plastic face is in a post-baby making era) is more self-aware than previously expected. Despite the copious amounts of right ear jewelry, Brody is admits, "Yeah, it's going to be weird" and then cracks up maniacally when pulling our Citizen of Humanity-covered legs about him and Ryan Seacrest having a baby...

What could be more absurd than this idea?

Oh wait....

(Insert brief instrumental hook from Black Eyed Peas' "Don't Phunk With My Heart" here and cue "The Hills" logo in lower righthand corner.)