Monday, March 30, 2009

Product Placement: The Booze Cruise

Being a fan of something and being able to produce it are two entirely different things. I mean, just because I happen to love soft-serve ice cream slash frozen yogurt (30 minute rides to Dairy Queens in the shadiest of Jersey locales is not outside the boundaries), does not mean I think I can make it-- though this particular SkyMall item does tempt me each and every time I fly. Apologies... I digress.

However, with celebrities branding everything from perfume, to jeans, to hair pieces, and yes, liquor, one would think being a consumer of something apparently qualifies you to brand it, sell it, and add even more money to your already overflowing bank account.

As Diddy is just getting over the controversy surrounding his Ciroc commercials, for which casting allegedly called for "light-skinned Africa-American Beyonce-types," another music industry mogul is dipping his toes into the rocky seas of the hangover-producing industry. Justin Timberlake is bringing us the first images of 901, after the singer's Memphis area code (how novel), which is his new brand of tequila that took two years to perfect. The triple-distilled beverage is crafted from a recipe handed down through three generations in Jalisco, Mexico, where J. Timbs spent oh so many summers stuffing plastic kazoos and whistles into pinatas, I'd assume.

I'm not sure whether it comes blurry and in threes or if this is a simulated effect of what it will look like after you've consumed a many shots of it while sitting pretty at the bar in your William Rast jeans... but ooohhhh how it glows. I'd gather Mr. Timberlake has had some experiences with the drink himself, but there's someone else I trust a little more.

Sure, Danny DeVito appearance on The View might have forever ruined the way I watch Matilda and hear Look Who's Talking Now, but at least we know the man likes to drink via this video evidence. Impressively still heavily intoxicated from a night out with George Clooney, Arnold Schwarzenegger's other half-- errr quarter-- told the audience on that fateful day, "I knew it was the last seven limoncellos that was going to get me." And what did they get him? His own brand of the beverage aptly named, Danny DeVito's Premium Limoncello (aka how Danny DeVito Became Somewhat Famous Again). Two and half years later, here it is folks.

If dogs resemble their owners, why wouldn't bottles of alcohol?

Avowed, Endowed, Filthy... Cover Guys

Most Likely To Lower His Temple Gates For The Silver Snakes:
Kanye West on Complex

Most Likely To Deflower Hannah Montana Whilst Livin' La Vida Loca:
Just Gaston on EY! Electric Youth!

Most Desperate To M-I-C... See Ya Real Soon. K-E-Y... Why? Because He's Breakin' Free:
Zac Efron on Interview

Sapphic, Graphic, Spiraling... Cover Girls

Most Bummed She Missed Her Opportunity to Appear on "The L Word" as a Lady GaGa Impersonator:
Nicole Richie on BlackBook

Most Likely to Leave the Least to the Imagination:
Blake Lively and Leighton Meester on Rolling Stone

Most Obvious Use of Fashion as a Metaphor for Her Unlikely Fame and Fortune:
Lady GaGa on Les Inrockuptibles (aka aforeignmagazineweveneverseen)

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Stalkward: And Then Miley Cried

Whomever set up the barricades at the 2009 Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards will likely not be returning for the next decade due to what you'll witness below at the 10-second mark.

Though not the scale of last week's America's Next Top Model audition stampede, the toppling over of about a dozen children is just enough to be laughable without seeming too insensitive-- at least, that's what I told myself as I rewound the five-second segment thrice (not including the fourth slo-mo look).

Here's what I ascertained from my multiple viewings. Miranda Cosgrove of iCarly (it's fine that you have no clue what either of those proper nouns is referring to) feigns surprise about winning "Favorite TV Show" at the only awards ceremony more staged than MTV's Video Music Awards. As she rushes the stage and holds out her hands for some obligatory fan high fives, a whole heap of them bust down the metal barriers, trying to escape after finally realizing the hold Nickelodeon has had on them likely since the original air date of Eureeka's Castle. After the only intelligent children in the arena eat it on the ground, Miranda clearly pauses-- but her intention isn't so apparent. Her outstretched arm either signifies she wanted more congratulatory contact or is trying to help out the fallen children. But then, she proceeds to the stage to take home her blimp, indicating that her actions were probably motivated by the former, which is fair considering those kids were literally slimey.

PS- As for the second most ambiguous and also unintentionally humorous moment of the show, Miley Cyrus cried upon receiving her award for Favorite Female Singer... for the second year in a row.

Whether this is genuine emotion or acting, I'm torn. But either way, I'm impressed... her cheek's get even puffier as the tears roll down 'em!