Monday, June 1, 2009

Someone's Been Following in Jimmy Dugan's Footsteps

And not necessarily in his sage advice to avoid the clap.
Lori Petty, better known as A League of Their Own's Kit Keller or the whale whisperer in Free Willy, has obviously been hitting the bottle since rocketing into mid 90s, family film superstardom. On Saturday night, the now 45-year-old actress was arrested on felony drunk driving charges after hitting a 14-year-old skateboarder in Venice.

Clearly, the former Rockford Peach lost her touch with adolescent males and presumably, sea creatures.

Petty was booked at Van Nuys jail, but eventually released on $100,000 bail. I'm going to go ahead and assume she's been dipping into Keiko's memorial fund because honestly, where the eff would she come up with that kind of money?

Seriously, Kit... lay off the high ones.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

An L7 Weenie... Oscar Mayer Even

While Smalls might have been the metaphorical killer in The Sandlot, another player on the team has turned out to be far more violent than even The Beast himself. And shockingly, it's not Squints.

Marty York, who played Alan McClennan, better known as Yeah-Yeah, was charged with one count of felony domestic battery after an incident with his girlfriend that took place on Easter Sunday.

Though Mr. York claims he hit his ladyfriend in self defense while trying to drive home from a nightclub (which is my favorite place to celebrate Christ's rising, too), the couple is apparently back together post bust.

Well, obviously. Abuse withstanding, who could say no to those perfectly coiffed eyebrows and gel-defined widow's peak? I personally can't wait to see him in My New Fuckin' Haircut: Uncensored Prison Edition. HAWWWWWWWTTTTTTT!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Stalkward: Swine-i Edition

After watching Hilary Duff's admittedly mildly impressive Gone Baby Gone-inspired performance on Law and Order: SVU last night, I, for some unholy reason, subjected myself to the reportage on the latest in the disease formerly known as Swine Flu. Though I learned absolutely nothing about H1N1 from Sue Simmons and Chuck Scarborough, I was shocked to see the milieu of Manhattan residents (albeit, largely Asian) now donning face masks and wondered who the eff actually thinks those less-than-a-centimeter thick pieces of paper defend against the powers of an illness fatal enough to kill a Mexican infant. Low and behold, I found these photos of Speidi...

Here are the newlywed Pratts on a pre-honeymoon (no, I have no idea what that is) trip to the birthplace of the newest flu strain, despite VP Biden's sound travel warning. I'm pretty sure kissing those lips and breathing in the fine Cabo San Mucus air would be deadly in most circumstances, but these two impossible to kill off... much like another mask-wearer from the classic Scream film series.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Presently Progressing

The genius minds behind Channing Tatum's new film, which shockingly has nothing to do with hip-hop dancing from what I can discern, are revolutionizing film nomenclature history as the movie hits theaters this weekend.

No longer will you have to ask your friends, "What's that about again?" upon entering your nearest cineplex because now, the title will make it as clear as day.

Using a highly advanced generator, I've also renamed today's newest releases and other movies dominating the current Top 10.

May I present...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Samantha Parkington Resurrected

The blondest people on the planet are trying to cover their asses ever since Lauren Conrad announced she would not be returning for another season of Not Eating At Restaurants While Staring and Smirking and Eventually Crying Black Tears also known as The Hills. Though Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have managed to occupy some of their newfound free time increasing the size of certain body parts and/or shaving other parts, they're apparently moving on to a world quite different from the one they've known... by casting a new reality show.


Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag (MTV’s “THE HILLS”) are producing a brand new reality television show, and are searching for outgoing, attractive females to star on the show.

If you're over 18, have a dynamic personality, and are interested in traveling, email the following information to

1. Name and age

2. Contact Information (Phone Number and email)

3. Current Picture(s)

4. Three words that describe yourself.

So if any of your are looking to make it big, maybe Heidi and Spencer can help you out.

I'd imagine their top five contestants will look something like these five lovely ladies.


Think Jessica of Laguna Beach: Seasons 2 & 3

Think Bre of America's Next Top Model: Cycle 5

3.Think Wendy Pepper of
Project Runway: Season 1

Think Megan Hauserman of
Rock of Love: Season 2, I Love Money, Rock of Love: Charm School and Beauty and The Geek: Season 3 (I mean.... Huh? What? Who put that there? Who would watch all five seasons of that show?)


Think Brooke of
Real World: Denver

What better way to see the retired old gals back in action?

Fashion Weak: Socks and Scandals

I have never hidden my detestation of Chloe Sevigny (whose umlaut I've omitted because a) it's obnoxious and b) I don't know how to type it into this trusty blogger format without the assistance of Microsoft Word's "Insert Symbol" feature). Not only do I not understand how one film role and one TV role are enough to sustain such a level of fame, I also do not understand why Vogue continues to worship the ground she walks on monthly, especially when she's walking in these bad boys...

No, your eyes are not deceiving you; that would be the "it" girl herself stomping around Coachella Music Festival in white ankle socks and brown Teva-like sandals, something most people over the age of seven consider a crime against humanity only their fathers would commit or an attempt form the Orthodox Jewish community to participate in summer fashion. But what could make this worse?

Black socks. I fear (slash secretly hope) that we'll next see her sporting a fanny pack around that floral dress and
croakies attached to her Ray-Bans.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Just Dance, Dance, Dance... Until You Die!

I may have criticized Lady GaGa's fashion plagiarism on a previous occasion, but upon seeing this photo of the pantsless wonder wandering around London with her precious tea cup that she'd left at a restaurant...

...I was truly horrified and not only because she obviously stole Yoko's glasses and one of the "very expensive" hats Vivian Ward purchased on Rodeo Drive with Barney's help.

The true burglary lies in lips.

I do not think Winifred Sanderson would be amused.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Life After Olmec

No other show captivated me with its large stone head, use of Aquasox, and history lessons quite like Legends of the Hidden Temple. I may or may not have required Nick GAS be in my cable plan just so I could relive the pre-teens' endless struggle in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. Though the perpetual failure of the Purple Parrots and the never-ending fear the temple guards manage stir in me is still present in syndication, I've long wondered what became of the show's animate host, Kirk Fogg who swung into each episode with such fervor and grace.

And now I know. Though with slightly less hair and slightly more facial pudge, there's no doubt that Mr. Fogg (which I can only assume is his real name) is the new face of the Arby's Roast Burger.

For that, good sir, you get a half pendant of life.

Maybe the Past Really Is in the Past

Someone's mama did not get the memo about Chris Brown's most recent headline-stealing controversy. But awww, look at that primordial dwarf.

Beat me once... photo opp!

And the Haylie to Beyonce's Hilary, Solange Knowles is also trying to white wash her slate by promoting MTV's Safe Sex campaign, saying, "[My and Beyonce's] parents did a great job of giving us the real deal Holyfield on sex... I was 13 when my parents first sat me down to discuss sex. And it was a very good age for me."

Right. Because if they hadn't, you could've gotten pregnant at 17, had a quickie wedding in the Bahamas, and gotten divorced before you could legally drink.

Oh, wait...

Celebretweet of the Day

@liljizzel (aka Lil' Wayne)

I mean, the similarities were endless from the get-go-- starting with their mutual love of photographic ab reveals.

Shared numbers were the obvious next logical step. Look out for MC's tear tat.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Product Placement: The Booze Cruise

Being a fan of something and being able to produce it are two entirely different things. I mean, just because I happen to love soft-serve ice cream slash frozen yogurt (30 minute rides to Dairy Queens in the shadiest of Jersey locales is not outside the boundaries), does not mean I think I can make it-- though this particular SkyMall item does tempt me each and every time I fly. Apologies... I digress.

However, with celebrities branding everything from perfume, to jeans, to hair pieces, and yes, liquor, one would think being a consumer of something apparently qualifies you to brand it, sell it, and add even more money to your already overflowing bank account.

As Diddy is just getting over the controversy surrounding his Ciroc commercials, for which casting allegedly called for "light-skinned Africa-American Beyonce-types," another music industry mogul is dipping his toes into the rocky seas of the hangover-producing industry. Justin Timberlake is bringing us the first images of 901, after the singer's Memphis area code (how novel), which is his new brand of tequila that took two years to perfect. The triple-distilled beverage is crafted from a recipe handed down through three generations in Jalisco, Mexico, where J. Timbs spent oh so many summers stuffing plastic kazoos and whistles into pinatas, I'd assume.

I'm not sure whether it comes blurry and in threes or if this is a simulated effect of what it will look like after you've consumed a many shots of it while sitting pretty at the bar in your William Rast jeans... but ooohhhh how it glows. I'd gather Mr. Timberlake has had some experiences with the drink himself, but there's someone else I trust a little more.

Sure, Danny DeVito appearance on The View might have forever ruined the way I watch Matilda and hear Look Who's Talking Now, but at least we know the man likes to drink via this video evidence. Impressively still heavily intoxicated from a night out with George Clooney, Arnold Schwarzenegger's other half-- errr quarter-- told the audience on that fateful day, "I knew it was the last seven limoncellos that was going to get me." And what did they get him? His own brand of the beverage aptly named, Danny DeVito's Premium Limoncello (aka how Danny DeVito Became Somewhat Famous Again). Two and half years later, here it is folks.

If dogs resemble their owners, why wouldn't bottles of alcohol?

Avowed, Endowed, Filthy... Cover Guys

Most Likely To Lower His Temple Gates For The Silver Snakes:
Kanye West on Complex

Most Likely To Deflower Hannah Montana Whilst Livin' La Vida Loca:
Just Gaston on EY! Electric Youth!

Most Desperate To M-I-C... See Ya Real Soon. K-E-Y... Why? Because He's Breakin' Free:
Zac Efron on Interview

Sapphic, Graphic, Spiraling... Cover Girls

Most Bummed She Missed Her Opportunity to Appear on "The L Word" as a Lady GaGa Impersonator:
Nicole Richie on BlackBook

Most Likely to Leave the Least to the Imagination:
Blake Lively and Leighton Meester on Rolling Stone

Most Obvious Use of Fashion as a Metaphor for Her Unlikely Fame and Fortune:
Lady GaGa on Les Inrockuptibles (aka aforeignmagazineweveneverseen)

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Stalkward: And Then Miley Cried

Whomever set up the barricades at the 2009 Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards will likely not be returning for the next decade due to what you'll witness below at the 10-second mark.

Though not the scale of last week's America's Next Top Model audition stampede, the toppling over of about a dozen children is just enough to be laughable without seeming too insensitive-- at least, that's what I told myself as I rewound the five-second segment thrice (not including the fourth slo-mo look).

Here's what I ascertained from my multiple viewings. Miranda Cosgrove of iCarly (it's fine that you have no clue what either of those proper nouns is referring to) feigns surprise about winning "Favorite TV Show" at the only awards ceremony more staged than MTV's Video Music Awards. As she rushes the stage and holds out her hands for some obligatory fan high fives, a whole heap of them bust down the metal barriers, trying to escape after finally realizing the hold Nickelodeon has had on them likely since the original air date of Eureeka's Castle. After the only intelligent children in the arena eat it on the ground, Miranda clearly pauses-- but her intention isn't so apparent. Her outstretched arm either signifies she wanted more congratulatory contact or is trying to help out the fallen children. But then, she proceeds to the stage to take home her blimp, indicating that her actions were probably motivated by the former, which is fair considering those kids were literally slimey.

PS- As for the second most ambiguous and also unintentionally humorous moment of the show, Miley Cyrus cried upon receiving her award for Favorite Female Singer... for the second year in a row.

Whether this is genuine emotion or acting, I'm torn. But either way, I'm impressed... her cheek's get even puffier as the tears roll down 'em!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Stalkward: It Might Be A Tumor

In between dodging rumors he'll appear in
Terminator Salvation and promoting the green life, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger made some time for his third love, bodybuilding when he stopped by the Arnold Sports Festival in scenic Columbus, Ohio this weekend. The original pregnant man (you know you want to Neflix Junior right now) took some time to visit his old muscley stomping grounds to congratulate this beauteous chunk o' chocolate, Ms. Iris Kyle who won the Miss International body building competition at Arnold's self-titled world's largest multi-sports festival. The roids have obviously shrunk her genitals down to the stage where they shriveled up and hid between her massive thighs, understandably so. If only the guys on RuPaul's Drag Race could master that tuck.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Sanks Mom For the Offensive Oscar Commentary

On Sunday, I had the distinct pleasure of partaking in something I haven't had the pleasure of doing since high school... watching the Academy Awards with my mom, to who I attribute a healthy portion of my unhealthy obsession with all things Hollywood. What that lead to was a whole lotta (mostly racist) commentary, of which, I bring you her top pearls of wisdom...


Tilda Swinton announces Penelope Cruz as the winner of Best Performance By An Actress in a Supporting Role for Vicky Christina Barcelona, to which, my mom says, "Ugh… she’s going to start speaking Spanish." And when the inevitable Spanish came, "What-EH-ver!" (think Amber in Clueless) "Did I tell you?"


In the most enjoyably award moment of the evening, Jennifer Aniston steps on the stage to present with Jack Black, eliciting this comment, "Will somebody please tell Jennifer Aniston that she’s 40? She’s not Lauren Conrad!" As the mom-deemed LC wannabe stood just a few feet away from front row couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the ingenious camerafolk did not let this rare moment slip away as they constantly cut between the ex and the couple she's jealous of. Mom obviously caught on, saying, “Brad is definitely scratching his beard thinking, ‘I’m so glad I got rid of her.’” Ayyyyyy men, Mama.


During that two and half hour Oscar Ceremony lull between the two awards and six awards people care about, my mom found herself predicting what language the largely non-American winners would speak. So when Best Animated Short Film winner, Kunio Kato took the stage for La Maison En Petits Cubes, she nailed it with this comment, "Just start speaking Asian." Then she became increasingly infuriated by the broken English and decided, "I think think they should have a requirement that you have to speak English in order to accept an Oscar." Clearly, she did not appreciate the Styx reference.

4. While I was busy cracking up with Seth Rogen when this happened as James Franco announced Jochen Alexander Freydank, director of Best Live Action Short Film winner for Spielzeugland...

my mom was busy critiquing Mr. Freydankydank's appearance. "He like has a shelf over his eyes where his eyebrows are," she observed. "It's like an overhang... like a built-in visor." Subtle anti-Asian reference anyone?


There's really no explanation necessary for this fantastical fifties toy reference. “Will Smith’s hair looks like one of those Wooly Willy magnet things. It’s so shiny and perfectly square.”

6. Despite the fact that Mr. Smith is known for making rap easy enough for white people to sing along to, his inclusion in the ceremony set off the very tiny diversity-seeking lightbulb in my mom's head. "Look how few black people there are," she remarked. "It looks like a sea of white faces. They should represent. They can speak English."

7. As the part of a pair of presenters whose presence at the Oscars I could not begin understand, Alicia Keys joined Zac Efron to introduce Best Original Score.
My mother has long criticized Alicia for her bad skin since we saw her at a Z100 Zootopia concert nearly a decade ago and though she seems to have gotten that sitch under control, my mom managed to use it against her, pointing out, “What happened to her eyes? She used to much ProActiv on her face and lost them.”

8. And lastly, though my mama is quick to shed tears during nearly any and every maudlin television programing, Anne Hathaway's "Holy Shit... Shirley MacLaine Is Pretending To Know Who I Am And This Will Totes Be My Only [Undeserved] Oscar Nod" water works did not work on her.

Instead, the woman who had been nodding off just moments prior was unmoved, saying, “Oh Anne. Sit down and shut up.”

Please note this last quote is largely here to offer some sort of assurance (for both myself and others) that my mom isn't a complete bigot since she even hates a brown-haired, brown-haired girl from New Jersey.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Penis Slip Once, Shame On You... Penis Slip Twice, Serious Shame On You

My mother updates me daily on the horrific details of the tainted peanut scandal of 2009-- my personal favorite of which was about a man whose father, a Vietnam War vet, died of Planters-related salmonella. He was apparently paid by Fox News to say something to the effect of, "The VC didn't get my dad; peanuts did."

Somehow, however, she missed this gem when CNN's Zain Verjee told "the most trusted name in new's" audience that some airlines' were making the scandalous decision to add nuts to their snack menus...
Poor Zain. The word "peanuts" is easily confused with "penis," especially considering both could be diseased unbeknownst to those connecting with them orally. However, if this wasn't just a slip of the gutter-minded reporter's tongue, I bet with her two tidbits "Northwest began serving penis this month" and "Georgia is the top penis producing state," we should expect to see a spike Northwest flights to Georgia in the next couple days.

Mr. Penis... I mean... Peanut approved.

Stalkward: Catwalk Edition

Fashion Week tends to bring together an odd smattering of celebrities, all desperate to sit front row for the first look at designer collections, which is over in a matter of minutes. And this week was no exception-- the Bryant Park tents were full of forced photo ops.

Exhibit A) Kanye West. Jared Leto, Chace Crawford, and Patrick Wilson unite at the Calvin Klein Menswear Fall 2009 fashion show on February 15, 2009.

Jordan Catalano obviously didn't get the memo that pouring peroxide on your head sort of discounts your effort to blend in via his monochromatic black ensem and matching aviators. Either that or Chace, who could easily be confused for the Madam Tussauds version of himself, just hit on him, making him super uncomf. Patrick Wilson's futile lean towards the more relevant stars is about as sad as the fact that I know him best for being quasi-castrated by Ellen Page in
Hard Candy and dancing and lip syncing to Annie Get Your Gun's "Anything You Can Do" with Claire Danes in a Gap ad. Perhaps he was trying to name drop Claire as a commanality between himself and Mr. Leto, though he's probably as disinesterated as Jordan was in her. Kanye seems completely unaware of the other people he's being photographed with because, let's face it, he's "THE NUMBER ONE HUMAN BEING!!!!!!1!!!!11!"

Exhibit B) On the same day, Mischa Barton, Minka Kelly, and Kristen Bell attended the Miss Sixty Fall 2009 fashion show.

Kristen is obvs desperate for some face considering her current claim to fame is the voice on a TV show she's too old for, but doesn't know that a scarf does not a respectable celebrate make. Mischa is trying to fake a smile since realizing removing herself from
The O.C. in a fiery car chase, thus leading to a drug binge only rivaled by Amy Winehouse in this century wasn't exactly a good career move. And Minka's about as shocked as I am that she's famous enough to sit front row at any show during Fashion Week, even one as insignificant as Miss Sixty, and that either of the women sitting next to her are relevant enough to be photographed.