Tuesday, October 4, 2011

"How Often Do You Walk Your Dog, Huh?"

JOEY: You know what I mean! What time of day? How many times a week?

"I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders plays in the background.

Joey makes her first, but not last ladder escape. Dawson bangs his head on a Spielberg poster. He runs to his window and scream after her.

Usually in the morning, with Katie Couric.

As of late, I have had a serious urge to watch Dawson's Creek, beginning with the pilot from which the above is excerpted. And now that its creator Kevin Williamson and its star James Van Der Beek are having a Twitter exchange, I can hardly keep my circa 1998 American Eagle Outfitters chinos on in excitement.

This is me right now (but slightly less creepy):

Sunday, August 28, 2011

I'll Drink to That

My only gripe with Rihanna's "Cheers" is that it wasn't released as a single early enough in the summer for me to complete abuse it my T.G.I.F.-enthused anthem. (Note: I had yet to find one that matched the lyrics of R. Kelly's remix to "Ignition:" "Sippin' on coke and rum/ I'm like, 'So what, I'm drunk?' / It's the freakin' weekend, baby/ I'm about to have me some fun.")

Really though, Rihannald McDonald's song (and its recently-released accompanying video) is amazing for many reasons:

1) She mentions not only the glory of the 2000 LeAnn Rimes cinematic vehicle, but also it's forgotten smizing star: "It's getting Coyote Ugly up in here/ No Tyra."
b) She subtly references one of Jersey Shore's favorite vocabulary words and the cast's tendency to quickly turn fist pumping into a less friendly use of a clenched hand: "Everybody's vibin' so don't nobody start a fight."
III) The fact that she's able to turn Avril Lavigne's "I'm With You" into something listenable allows me to ignore the song's not-so "hella cool" Ray-Ban product placement.
Quatro) She understands the unfortunate liquidly courageous act of opening a tab: "Put it all on my card tonight, yeah/ Might be mad in the morning, but you know we goin' hard tonight."
5) The video is the perfect illustration of her ability to be incredibly personable and appreciative of her fans in a genuine way.

This brings me to something I've noticed throughout the summer as my favorite site has been posting pictures from touring pop stars' meet-and-greets with fans.

RiRi is clearly comfortable getting close with her fans on her "Loud" tour:

Arguably, too close:

Britney Spears, on the other hand, who is currently on the "Femme Fatale" tour, isn't quite so keen on the touchy-feely photos because, as her song "Hot As Ice" states, she's a "living legend/ You can look, but don't touch."

Still, no one handles the fandamonium quite like Luke Perry...

I have just one question, Dylan... "Are we having fun yet?"

Segregation Never, Integration Now

Considering how much shit Hollywood gets for poor (or no) representation of minorities on screen, I could not help but notice this obvious racial split in the advertising for ABC's upcoming Charlie's Angels.

Where are Hairspray's Lil' Inez, Seaweed, Tracy Turnblad, and, of course, Motormouth Maybelle when you need them?

"Two, four, six, eight. TV's got to integrate!"

Monday, June 1, 2009

Someone's Been Following in Jimmy Dugan's Footsteps

And not necessarily in his sage advice to avoid the clap.
Lori Petty, better known as A League of Their Own's Kit Keller or the whale whisperer in Free Willy, has obviously been hitting the bottle since rocketing into mid 90s, family film superstardom. On Saturday night, the now 45-year-old actress was arrested on felony drunk driving charges after hitting a 14-year-old skateboarder in Venice.

Clearly, the former Rockford Peach lost her touch with adolescent males and presumably, sea creatures.

Petty was booked at Van Nuys jail, but eventually released on $100,000 bail. I'm going to go ahead and assume she's been dipping into Keiko's memorial fund because honestly, where the eff would she come up with that kind of money?

Seriously, Kit... lay off the high ones.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

An L7 Weenie... Oscar Mayer Even

While Smalls might have been the metaphorical killer in The Sandlot, another player on the team has turned out to be far more violent than even The Beast himself. And shockingly, it's not Squints.

Marty York, who played Alan McClennan, better known as Yeah-Yeah, was charged with one count of felony domestic battery after an incident with his girlfriend that took place on Easter Sunday.

Though Mr. York claims he hit his ladyfriend in self defense while trying to drive home from a nightclub (which is my favorite place to celebrate Christ's rising, too), the couple is apparently back together post bust.

Well, obviously. Abuse withstanding, who could say no to those perfectly coiffed eyebrows and gel-defined widow's peak? I personally can't wait to see him in My New Fuckin' Haircut: Uncensored Prison Edition. HAWWWWWWWTTTTTTT!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Stalkward: Swine-i Edition

After watching Hilary Duff's admittedly mildly impressive Gone Baby Gone-inspired performance on Law and Order: SVU last night, I, for some unholy reason, subjected myself to the reportage on the latest in the disease formerly known as Swine Flu. Though I learned absolutely nothing about H1N1 from Sue Simmons and Chuck Scarborough, I was shocked to see the milieu of Manhattan residents (albeit, largely Asian) now donning face masks and wondered who the eff actually thinks those less-than-a-centimeter thick pieces of paper defend against the powers of an illness fatal enough to kill a Mexican infant. Low and behold, I found these photos of Speidi...

Here are the newlywed Pratts on a pre-honeymoon (no, I have no idea what that is) trip to the birthplace of the newest flu strain, despite VP Biden's sound travel warning. I'm pretty sure kissing those lips and breathing in the fine Cabo San Mucus air would be deadly in most circumstances, but these two impossible to kill off... much like another mask-wearer from the classic Scream film series.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Presently Progressing

The genius minds behind Channing Tatum's new film, which shockingly has nothing to do with hip-hop dancing from what I can discern, are revolutionizing film nomenclature history as the movie hits theaters this weekend.

No longer will you have to ask your friends, "What's that about again?" upon entering your nearest cineplex because now, the title will make it as clear as day.

Using a highly advanced generator, I've also renamed today's newest releases and other movies dominating the current Top 10.

May I present...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Samantha Parkington Resurrected

The blondest people on the planet are trying to cover their asses ever since Lauren Conrad announced she would not be returning for another season of Not Eating At Restaurants While Staring and Smirking and Eventually Crying Black Tears also known as The Hills. Though Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have managed to occupy some of their newfound free time increasing the size of certain body parts and/or shaving other parts, they're apparently moving on to a world quite different from the one they've known... by casting a new reality show.


Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag (MTV’s “THE HILLS”) are producing a brand new reality television show, and are searching for outgoing, attractive females to star on the show.

If you're over 18, have a dynamic personality, and are interested in traveling, email the following information to americangirlscasting@gmail.com.

1. Name and age

2. Contact Information (Phone Number and email)

3. Current Picture(s)

4. Three words that describe yourself.

So if any of your are looking to make it big, maybe Heidi and Spencer can help you out.

I'd imagine their top five contestants will look something like these five lovely ladies.


Think Jessica of Laguna Beach: Seasons 2 & 3

Think Bre of America's Next Top Model: Cycle 5

3.Think Wendy Pepper of
Project Runway: Season 1

Think Megan Hauserman of
Rock of Love: Season 2, I Love Money, Rock of Love: Charm School and Beauty and The Geek: Season 3 (I mean.... Huh? What? Who put that there? Who would watch all five seasons of that show?)


Think Brooke of
Real World: Denver

What better way to see the retired old gals back in action?

Fashion Weak: Socks and Scandals

I have never hidden my detestation of Chloe Sevigny (whose umlaut I've omitted because a) it's obnoxious and b) I don't know how to type it into this trusty blogger format without the assistance of Microsoft Word's "Insert Symbol" feature). Not only do I not understand how one film role and one TV role are enough to sustain such a level of fame, I also do not understand why Vogue continues to worship the ground she walks on monthly, especially when she's walking in these bad boys...

No, your eyes are not deceiving you; that would be the "it" girl herself stomping around Coachella Music Festival in white ankle socks and brown Teva-like sandals, something most people over the age of seven consider a crime against humanity only their fathers would commit or an attempt form the Orthodox Jewish community to participate in summer fashion. But what could make this worse?

Black socks. I fear (slash secretly hope) that we'll next see her sporting a fanny pack around that floral dress and
croakies attached to her Ray-Bans.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Just Dance, Dance, Dance... Until You Die!

I may have criticized Lady GaGa's fashion plagiarism on a previous occasion, but upon seeing this photo of the pantsless wonder wandering around London with her precious tea cup that she'd left at a restaurant...

...I was truly horrified and not only because she obviously stole Yoko's glasses and one of the "very expensive" hats Vivian Ward purchased on Rodeo Drive with Barney's help.

The true burglary lies in lips.

I do not think Winifred Sanderson would be amused.