Someone's Been Following in Jimmy Dugan's Footsteps

And not necessarily in his sage advice to avoid the clap.

Lori Petty, better known as A League of Their Own's Kit Keller or the whale whisperer in Free Willy, has obviously been hitting the bottle since rocketing into mid 90s, family film superstardom. On Saturday night, the now 45-year-old actress was arrested on felony drunk driving charges after hitting a 14-year-old skateboarder in Venice.

Clearly, the former Rockford Peach lost her touch with adolescent males and presumably, sea creatures.

Petty was booked at Van Nuys jail, but eventually released on $100,000 bail. I'm going to go ahead and assume she's been dipping into Keiko's memorial fund because honestly, where the eff would she come up with that kind of money?

Unless...

Seriously, Kit... lay off the high ones.

An L7 Weenie... Oscar Mayer Even

While Smalls might have been the metaphorical killer in The Sandlot, another player on the team has turned out to be far more violent than even The Beast himself. And shockingly, it's not Squints.

Marty York, who played Alan McClennan, better known as Yeah-Yeah, was charged with one count of felony domestic battery after an incident with his girlfriend that took place on Easter Sunday.


Though Mr. York claims he hit his ladyfriend in self defense while trying to drive home from a nightclub (which is my favorite place to celebrate Christ's rising, too), the couple is apparently back together post bust.

Well, obviously. Abuse withstanding, who could say no to those perfectly coiffed eyebrows and gel-defined widow's peak? I personally can't wait to see him in My New Fuckin' Haircut: Uncensored Prison Edition. HAWWWWWWWTTTTTTT!

Stalkward: Swine-i Edition

After watching Hilary Duff's admittedly mildly impressive Gone Baby Gone-inspired performance on Law and Order: SVU last night, I, for some unholy reason, subjected myself to the reportage on the latest in the disease formerly known as Swine Flu. Though I learned absolutely nothing about H1N1 from Sue Simmons and Chuck Scarborough, I was shocked to see the milieu of Manhattan residents (albeit, largely Asian) now donning face masks and wondered who the eff actually thinks those less-than-a-centimeter thick pieces of paper defend against the powers of an illness fatal enough to kill a Mexican infant. Low and behold, I found these photos of Speidi...





Here are the newlywed Pratts on a pre-honeymoon (no, I have no idea what that is) trip to the birthplace of the newest flu strain, despite VP Biden's sound travel warning. I'm pretty sure kissing those lips and breathing in the fine Cabo San Mucus air would be deadly in most circumstances, but these two impossible to kill off... much like another mask-wearer from the classic Scream film series.

Presently Progressing

The genius minds behind Channing Tatum's new film, which shockingly has nothing to do with hip-hop dancing from what I can discern, are revolutionizing film nomenclature history as the movie hits theaters this weekend.

No longer will you have to ask your friends, "What's that about again?" upon entering your nearest cineplex because now, the title will make it as clear as day.

Using a highly advanced generator, I've also renamed today's newest releases and other movies dominating the current Top 10.

May I present...

Samantha Parkington Resurrected

The blondest people on the planet are trying to cover their asses ever since Lauren Conrad announced she would not be returning for another season of Not Eating At Restaurants While Staring and Smirking and Eventually Crying Black Tears also known as The Hills. Though Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have managed to occupy some of their newfound free time increasing the size of certain body parts and/or shaving other parts, they're apparently moving on to a world quite different from the one they've known... by casting a new reality show.

AMERICAN GIRLS CASTING

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag (MTV’s “THE HILLS”) are producing a brand new reality television show, and are searching for outgoing, attractive females to star on the show.

If you're over 18, have a dynamic personality, and are interested in traveling, email the following information to americangirlscasting@gmail.com.

1. Name and age

2. Contact Information (Phone Number and email)

3. Current Picture(s)

4. Three words that describe yourself.

So if any of your are looking to make it big, maybe Heidi and Spencer can help you out.

I'd imagine their top five contestants will look something like these five lovely ladies.

1.
Think Jessica of Laguna Beach: Seasons 2 & 3







2.
Think Bre of America's Next Top Model: Cycle 5

3.Think Wendy Pepper of Project Runway: Season 1








4.
Think Megan Hauserman of Rock of Love: Season 2, I Love Money, Rock of Love: Charm School and Beauty and The Geek: Season 3 (I mean.... Huh? What? Who put that there? Who would watch all five seasons of that show?)











5.

Think Brooke of Real World: Denver

What better way to see the retired old gals back in action?

Fashion Weak: Socks and Scandals

I have never hidden my detestation of Chloe Sevigny (whose umlaut I've omitted because a) it's obnoxious and b) I don't know how to type it into this trusty blogger format without the assistance of Microsoft Word's "Insert Symbol" feature). Not only do I not understand how one film role and one TV role are enough to sustain such a level of fame, I also do not understand why Vogue continues to worship the ground she walks on monthly, especially when she's walking in these bad boys...

No, your eyes are not deceiving you; that would be the "it" girl herself stomping around Coachella Music Festival in white ankle socks and brown Teva-like sandals, something most people over the age of seven consider a crime against humanity only their fathers would commit or an attempt form the Orthodox Jewish community to participate in summer fashion. But what could make this worse?

Black socks. I fear (slash secretly hope) that we'll next see her sporting a fanny pack around that floral dress and croakies attached to her Ray-Bans.

Just Dance, Dance, Dance... Until You Die!

I may have criticized Lady GaGa's fashion plagiarism on a previous occasion, but upon seeing this photo of the pantsless wonder wandering around London with her precious tea cup that she'd left at a restaurant...

...I was truly horrified and not only because she obviously stole Yoko's glasses and one of the "very expensive" hats Vivian Ward purchased on Rodeo Drive with Barney's help.

The true burglary lies in lips.

I do not think Winifred Sanderson would be amused.

Life After Olmec

No other show captivated me with its large stone head, use of Aquasox, and history lessons quite like Legends of the Hidden Temple. I may or may not have required Nick GAS be in my cable plan just so I could relive the pre-teens' endless struggle in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. Though the perpetual failure of the Purple Parrots and the never-ending fear the temple guards manage stir in me is still present in syndication, I've long wondered what became of the show's animate host, Kirk Fogg who swung into each episode with such fervor and grace.

And now I know. Though with slightly less hair and slightly more facial pudge, there's no doubt that Mr. Fogg (which I can only assume is his real name) is the new face of the Arby's Roast Burger.

For that, good sir, you get a half pendant of life.

Maybe the Past Really Is in the Past

Someone's mama did not get the memo about Chris Brown's most recent headline-stealing controversy. But awww, look at that primordial dwarf.

Beat me once... photo opp!

And the Haylie to Beyonce's Hilary, Solange Knowles is also trying to white wash her slate by promoting MTV's Safe Sex campaign, saying, "[My and Beyonce's] parents did a great job of giving us the real deal Holyfield on sex... I was 13 when my parents first sat me down to discuss sex. And it was a very good age for me."

Right. Because if they hadn't, you could've gotten pregnant at 17, had a quickie wedding in the Bahamas, and gotten divorced before you could legally drink.

Oh, wait...

Celebretweet of the Day

"HOW COME I JUS GOT A NEW PHONE NUMBER AND ITS FUCKIN MILEY CIRUS OLD NUMBER!!! STOP CALLIN ME LIL DAMN GIRLS!!!! TRUE STORY!! NO BS!!"

@liljizzel (aka Lil' Wayne)

I mean, the similarities were endless from the get-go-- starting with their mutual love of photographic ab reveals.

Shared numbers were the obvious next logical step. Look out for MC's tear tat.