Friday, February 13, 2009

The Top 10 Most Thoughtless Comments Re: Domestic Disturbia 2009

While you were realizing just how many Rihanna song lyrics seem to set up perfect headlines for her alleged violent vehicular encounter with I'm-going-to-guess-former boyfriend, Chris Brown ("SOS," "Disturbia," "Take A Bow," "Unfaithful," "Shut Up & Drive," and "Hate That I Love You"), the most obscure people who may or may not have ever actually met either half of the couple have been coming forward with their thoughts on their assault case. And so, I bring you the most ridiculous statements celebrities and people who are using this opportunity to become celebrities have made in response to Mr. Brown and Ms. I'll-give-anyone-$10-if-they-know-Ri's-last-name-without-Wikipedia-ing's situation.

10. After Wrigley's had one last go of airing Chris Brown's "Forever" commercial during the most cringe-worthy advertisement during the Grammy's, a second sponsor also decided to drop CB. "The Milk Mustache campaign is taking the allegations against Chris Brown very seriously," a company rep told "We are very proud and protective of the image of the Milk Mustache campaign and the responsible message it sends to teens." Right. Is that why A Rod (or as
The New York Post would refer to him, A-Roid or A-Fraud) and Christian "Think For One Fucking Second" Bale are still counted as milk mustache wearers? If you're going to take calcium-building facial hair seriously, the rules should apply universally.

9. Who better to shed some light on the darkness of this domestic abuse situation than the 19-year-old singer's former physical education instructor. "I've never known Chris to be combative," his high school gym teacher from Tappahannock, Virginia, Lyn Amos, told
People. "He's always low-key, easygoing." The present use of this statement leads me to believe that Ms. Amos (who is hopefully related to Tori) was likely tracked down by People and is mistakenly referring to a different Chris Brown; either that or sometimes the suspect heads home for a game of prisoner dodge ball.

8. But besides the warm-up-suit-wearing people from his past, who better to instruct us on Chris' mild manner than his longtime wardrobe stylist who goes by a last initial, Mike B. "He's a good kid," Mr. B assured People. "He feels very bad that something like this has happened." As much as I want to believe that's true, I really can't say I trust the man who thinks he should get paid to tell someone this is a good thing to put on your body.

7. Long Island, N.Y. Radio Station WBLI invited RiRi fans across the nation to partake in their "Shred Your Ex" party, where the most bitter people in the tristate area will happily destroy Chris Brown's CDs and posters as well as other mementos, photos and letters from an exes. In addition to having ordered in an authentic wood shredder for the occasion, WBLI will also be pulling Brown's music from the station all day on Friday. "Valentine's Day should stand for love so we find it fitting to make the Friday the 13th right before Valentine's Day a day for revenge for those who were unlucky in love," Nancy Cambino, WBLI's operations manager, told CBS. "Whether you're a Rihanna fan or not, we can all empathize with being with someone who caused love to go wrong." I'm not so sure sending the message that getting hit is on par with getting dumped is the right one, but I'm going to imagine a crowd full of women with pompadours, chanting "So live your life... aye-eh, aye-eh, aye-eh." Let's hope there's video.

6. Another unnamed friend of Mr. Brown told People, "Chris really feels bad about the whole situation, about it coming out the way that it happened, the way he went about it, the way she went about it... it's just a wack situation." This statement from an anonymous FOCer (friend of Chris) tells us a few things. A) It's okay to hit someone as long as you feel bad afterwards. B) It's okay to brush off assault as "wack." C) It's okay to say "wack" again. I'm enlightened... you?

5. But who doesn't love it when relatively irrelevant celebrities take it upon themselves to comment. "I spoke to him today," T.I. said on
Late Call With Carson Daly. "He cool, you know. I mean, I guess he a little concerned about his situation, but he's still the same Chris. I told him, 'This too shall pass.' People just got to remember we celebrities, we entertainers, but we still human-- all of us. Don't expect for us not to make mistakes, because we will." Besides the fact T.I. got so much swagga he don't even need helping verbs, he also knows what it's like to travel on The Road to Redemption and make money off of one's felonies. I can only imagine what Chris Brown's approach to a mini-series about his misdemeanors would look like-- I'd picture it To Catch A Predator stylez, in which women would annoy their significant others to the point of physical abuse (because we all know they usually are asking for it) and then Mr. Brown would walk in as the Domestic Abuse Vigilante, offering the attacker a stick of Wrigley's.

4. On that note of the abused playing equal if not more of a role in their attack, I bring you my second wisest Phylicia on the planet, after Ms. Rashad, of course. "Everybody loved Chris," Phylicia Thompson, the R & B artist's cousin told
Extra!, who was obviously so lost for words that she wound up quoting a different famous Chris' TV show title. "Chris was not brought beat on a woman. So it had to be something to provoke him for Chris to do it. He wouldn't have done it just to be having fun." After all, what's more fun than domestic abuse? Let me know if you come up with something.

3. It's been five days since news first broke of the violent end to Chris and Rihanna's relationship. That's just enough time for
Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis to finish up his house arrest and joke about abusing women. Outside an LA club with Kourtney Kardashian, TMZ caught Joe saying, "I'm gonna go Chris Brown on her ass right now." Too soon? Mr. Francis thinks not... and his moral compass is usually set due north.

2. Since Rihanna was a staple on Kanye West's Glow in the Dark tour, there really isn't anyone more qualified than this list's second celebrity to shed some neon light on this situation. “I was completely devastated by the concept of what I heard to the point that I was completely devastated during my 'American Boy' performance," Mr. West, who recently adopted AC Slater's mullet, told KISS FM. In one sentence, he managed to both express his feelings on his former tourmate's alleged attack and preemptively defend his Grammy performance, should the critics have mocked him for it. What a word smith that man is. "I don’t care how famous she is or if she just worked at McDonald’s," Kanye went on to say, "that should never happen." And with that shout-out, Kanye filled his quota to his biggest fan club, "Girls Who Wear Their Names in Gold-Plated Hoops While Serving Up McFlurries and Listening to 'Gold Digger.'"

1. As for the top moment, someone had to say it and I'm glad it was the star of
Hustle & Flow. "It's just life, man," Terrence Howard told Hollywood.TV. "Chris is a great guy. He'll be all right. And Rihanna knows he loves her." And that's why he beat her... to say he loves her. Um... duh. Seriously, cut the guy some slack. I mean, it's just about as hard out here for an abusive boyfriend as it is for a pimp... when he tryin' to get this money for the rent. For the Cadillacs and gas money spent... cause a whole lotta bitches jumpin' ship. Because those bitches are both pirates and have to hide their black eyes. Good thing Rihanna's is bedazzled already! Thanks, Aretha.

And Carson Daly Will Also Start Painting His Pinky Nail Black Again

It seems like only yesterday we were watching the original Total Request Live host uncomfortably fist pump Juvenile one day and slip into his Vans to interview The Offspring the next without a woo-ing studio audience of tweens to support him. With November bringing TRL to its close after a decade-long run, I thought I would never hear about Fred Durst's oral fixations on former pop princesses, listen to another Eminem song about his custody battle for Hailey, or see the crystallized image of Mark Hoppus' genitals ever again... but this week proved me wrong.

Mr. Hoppus, a still-maimed Travis Barker, and fellow originator of the ever-popular and masculine lip ring, Tom DeLonge appeared at the Grammy's this past Sunday to tell the world something special...

"We used to play music together, and we decided we're going to play music together again," the gimpy one told the crowd. Just to make things clear, Mark yelled, "Blink-182 is back!" Well, slap my chain wallet, stencil my neck tattoo, and serenade me with four-syllable lyrical stanzas. But while you were slipping into your banana suit...

Another TRL classic late 90s/early 00s rock band decided to also reemerge. Did someone order a chocolate starfish or some hot dog-flavored water? Because Fred Durst is apparently serving it up again. "We decided we were more disgusted and bored with the state of heavy popular music than we were with each other," the group said in a joint statement. "Regardless of where our separate paths have taken us, we recognize there is a powerful and unique energy with this particular group of people we have not found anywhere else. This is why Limp Bizkit is back." Who doesn't look back on the success of "Nookie" as a peak moment in music's creative bell curve chart? If the popularity of sticking cookies up one's ass is any indication, I'd say next to no one. Seriously though, it's taken me almost 10 years to get over my nightmares about Limp's guitarist Wes Borland's monochromatic black contacts.

Together, he and Fred look like an uncute version of a Capuchin from
Monkey Trouble.

And in the final part of the 2009 TRL trifecta of the second week of February, Eminem aka Slim Shady aka Marshall Mathers is back on top with "Crack A Bottle." As the bleached blonde says in his follow-up to classics like "My Name Is..." and "Stan," "The platinum trio's back on you hos." Of course, he's referencing Dr. Dre and Fiddy Cent, but I'd like to look at it as a prophetic remark on this moment in history with Limp and Blink.

Now if only Dream would reunite.

UPDATE: Ask and ye shall receive apparently... but in a cheap Chinatown imitation version. Much to my surprise, Oh No They Didn't today posted a video of Dream covering Britney Spears' "If U Seek Amy," except the group now only performs in fanciful master bathroom venues and has all but two members, none of whom are the pretty one, busted one, blonde one, or short-haired one from the original group and one of whom was my personal favorite contestant on American Idol's single-season kiddie spin-off, American Juniors, Jordan McCoy. Despite the fact that even powder room acoustics can't help this shit sound good and the fact that I know sequels generally do not surpass the original (except Grease 2 and Sister Act II: Back in the Habit, obvs), I may or may not be a little bit looking forward to this.

Pug-Nosed, Exposed, Loveable... Cover Girls

Most Likely To Be Arrested For Forcing Her Toddler To Take Upskirt Photos of Her For Publicity:
Tori Spelling, author of
sTori Telling and the soon-to-be released, Mommywood

Most Ridiculous Body Post Three Births... And All She Got Was This Wonky Eye:
Heidi Klum on the German cover of

Most Likely To Snort Herself Into Becoming Courtney Love's Doppleganger:
Mary-Kate Olsen for Interview

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Stalkward: Dinner's Ready... Ohh, His Hose!

Florence Henderson, better known as Carol Brady, took to the stage at the fourth annual “Broadway Backwards” concert benefiting New York’s Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Community Center.

I think tiny Asian man in the red Member's Only jacket in image one's face says everything I could ever dream of articulating in regards to this salacious photo trilogy.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Brostest With The Mostest

Though I'd recommend you all watch the entire finale of an MTV-recorded quest for friendship only slightly less genuine than Paris Hilton's My New BFF that is Brody Jenner's Bromance (as well as the five episodes that preceded it), I deem it necessary to view the last two minutes of this brosome programming for a look at what's coming up on Brody's next manciful journey... for a babymance. Thanks to my sister's viewing of what was easily the best hexalogical programming in television history on iTunes as opposed to waiting on her bed with baited breath for the original finale airing on MTV last Tuesday at 9, she unearthed this gem of a spoof on the original Bromance commercial, which posed the question on everyone's mind...

"What's a bromance? A bromance is a bond between you and your go-to guy," Brody previously cleared up the portmanteau once plastered across Jake Gyllenhaal, Lance Armstrong, and Matthew McConaughey. But in the last minute and a half of the first video, good ole BJ takes the time to clear up an even bigger mystery in regards to his upcoming pursuit for a go-to fetu. "What's a baby?" Spencer Pratt's former BBFLYLAB asks. "It's like a little human being, but with less hair." After pointing out that babies are popping up everywhere these days, which may or may not have been a growing trend since the inception of mankind, B. Jens ays he's on a the hunt for the "coolest baby" with the "coolest name" who can handle his lifestyle.

I'm pretty sure this kid with the power tool is the best fit.

But perhaps Mr. Jenner (not Bruce... his plastic face is in a post-baby making era) is more self-aware than previously expected. Despite the copious amounts of right ear jewelry, Brody is admits, "Yeah, it's going to be weird" and then cracks up maniacally when pulling our Citizen of Humanity-covered legs about him and Ryan Seacrest having a baby...

What could be more absurd than this idea?

Oh wait....

(Insert brief instrumental hook from Black Eyed Peas' "Don't Phunk With My Heart" here and cue "The Hills" logo in lower righthand corner.)