Friday, February 6, 2009

Today's Unsnug Hero

The Snuggie infomercial has obviously transcended something the kids were talking about whilst staying up late searching for Girls Gone Wild infomercials on television on a school night. Though the ads for America's original blanket with sleeves started airing back in October, this answer to chilly campfire nights and cold high school bleachers has finally made its way to the circle of middle-aged folk who control the media. Besides the recent news that my parents' neighbors bought one and got one free (thus rendering my childhood home the newest sight for meetings amongst the cult-du-sac inhabitants) and this USA Today article, the fact that NBC's The Today Show recently made Matt Lauer, his co-hosts, and seemingly every employee partake in some fleecey fun is evidence that the Snuggie has officially made its mark in our country's informercistory.
Matt got glib (glib, glib, glib) on the air the other day and said, with a haughty chuckle, that he'd, "rather be caught dead than wear a Snuggie." Cue producers' plans for public humiliation. With the gender color assignments in place-- the ladies in crimson and the lads in indigo-- The Today Show hosts all put on their Snugday's best, as Matt hung his head in shame and said, “I’m having chest pains as we speak." Uh duh. That's because once he slipped into the fuzzy straight jacket, he joined the cult of Xenu-worshipping, satanic, gospel-singing monks all you crazy fuckers who would pay $19.99 for this are sold into. If Matt manages to get his way out of his backwards robe, perhaps he'll be able to stop the palpitations. But until then, we'll watch him live out his final days wrapped in warmth, eating only his hateful words about one of this generation's greatest inventions.

Meanwhile, increasingly creepy weatherman Al Roker, loudly asked if they make Snuggies for two... another hint he's a Smucker's centenarian birthday wish away from replacing Willard Scott as the morning news program's go-to fedora-wearing crazy old guy.

Fashion Weak

I refuse to lie about my pop culture indiscretions. On June 9, 2008 at 7:41 p.m., I downloaded Lady GaGa's "Just Dance." I have since listened to it 66 times. Though GaGa's name stems from the noise we attribute to babies but never actually hear them make, she only owns clothing from American Apparel, and her wig is eerily reminiscent of a female Simple Jack (Simple Jack-ay, if you will), the infectious dance beat of her premiere single coupled with ingeniously relatable lyrics about nights out (a la "Where are my keys? I lost my phone" and "What's the name of this club? I can't remember but it's alright") helped me overlook the aforementioned factors. But now, Miss Ga has crossed the line.

Now, we all remember the look Queen Aretha Franklin used to understandably steal Barack Obama's thunder on Inauguration Day (because he's really such an attention whore), but I'm going to repost anyway because it's just so shiny...

Blink a few times to adjust your eyes to the bedazzlement. You might be asking, "What does this have to do with electropop artist, Lady GaGa?" Well Mom, I'll show you.

Below is the evolution of the Lady in question's locks to the current point of cranial plagiarism.

While the overgrown accessory may be more dull and less old-timey-movie-theater-ushery than Aretha's, Lady GaGa is still walking dangerously close to the line of crazy headgear copyright infringement. She's going to have to quit her use of large bows and bow down to the bitch who started the trend. We'll talk about her theft of the second blind mouse's sunglass collection at a later point.

Channel Changer: Ru Betta Work

After realizing this week that TLC's highly-anticipated docuseries Toddlers & Tiaras (an obvious must-watch for anyone who also still wonders about HBO's Living Dolls' Swan Brooner and Leslie Butler) would only feature the self-proclaimed superdad of pageants, David Perez for one episode, I needed a fresh batch of overly made-up, hair-piece wearing, glitter-loving, bra-stuffing little ladies to fill that void.

And thanks to the sage advice of my dear friend Mike, I found just that in LOGO's recently premiered
RuPaul's Drag Race, or more accurately titled Project Next Top Drag Idol.

The show's premise is as simple as a cross-dressing reality TV show competition could possibly be-- nine lovely divas in drag make love to the camera in hypersexualized photoshoots, construct costumes out of items from the dolla sto, parade them down a runway that, based on exterior shots of barbed wires and dumpsters, was built in an alleyway, lip sync to RuPaul's "Supermodel" for their lives so that the judges hopefully give them another chance to do it all over again next week.

The stand-out queens were...
ONGINA, who developed her stage name from her middle name "Ong" and "the part god didn't bless me with," is by far the most petite of the queens, but knows how to shake it better than the Latin mamis. She also has a pension for teeny weeny hats that sit atop her bald head with a strand of elastic. Translation: She's adorbes.

NINA FLOWERS has a non-faux hawk that could pierce you if her cat eye contacts didn't first. Plus, bitch took the tired Nicole Richie hippie headband look and brought it down to eye level. It's like S & Melrose and it's fiiiiieeeeerce.

TAMMIE BROWN took the sexiest car wash photo in the bunch. If her forehead is any indication, she is hands down the smartest on the show. But speaking of hands, she looks strikingly similar to Kristen Wiig's character in SNL's Lawrence Welk Sister Act skit, minus the gimpy fetus-like appendages.Whether this is a positive or negative, time will only tell.


VICTORIA PORKCHOP PARKER is like the Paul Dean of drag. Sure, she may look like Orson from Garfield and Friends, but bitch is fur reeeels. Vicky Chops (as they call her on the streets) has been shot at and had things thrown at her. But she doesn't want your pity. No, no. She just wants whatever indeterminate grain is on that spoon... with butter.

The queens arrive one by one to the RPDR studio and we begin to understand the plight of the "drag arteest," as one contestant refers to himself and his competitors. First, Shannel (so phonetically creative) tells Nina she's "painted," which I'm pretty sure in drag translates to fierce. Then, another ladymanfriend sees Shannel's assless chaps upon her arrival and is pissed to see someone stole her look. I imagine this is only a problem in the small circle of dragqueendom.

As for the show's host, RuPaul Charles (yes, that's his/her given name) is like the perfect cross between
Top Model's Tyra and Runway's Tim Gunn. When in a translucent ruffly form-fitting dress topped a wig straight outta the Marilyn Monroe Collection, delivering the contestants their video "SheMail," mentioning "world renowned fashion photographers," or speaking in obscenely obvious voiceovers, Ru (as friends would refer to him/her) gives Ty Ty Baby a run for her monies. Plus, his show is sponsored by M.A.C. and Absolut, which totes trump CoverGirl.

But in a pinstripe suit, glasses, and strategically placed pink pocket square, walking around the contestants'dressforms, Tim Gunn really should be worried this time. Mistah Charles even puts his own spin on "make it work," which is "don't fuck up." If only all reality TV competition senseis were that upfront.

When it comes down to the final two contestants, they're asked to do a lip sync off on the runway to "Supermodel" of course and while they've yet to answer my primary question while watching this show (really though... how do they tuck those things under in a
thong?), we do find out the difference between "sashay" and "chantez." In the show's signature dismissal phrase, RuPaul tells those who worked it, “Chantez, you stay,” and eliminates those who failed to give it a twirl with, "Sashay away.”

Well, chantez, I'm staying... because these queens are high quality entertainment.

Gone Viral: Donnie Dubbs, You'll Be My American Boy

Since most F-list celebrities take to the pages of the World Wide Web to clear up any rumors floating around in their direction, I expected a New Kids on the Blog update today in response to the completely shocking accusation from The National Inquirer that Jonathan Knight, the non-meth face of "the other two" members of NKOTB. Alas, this issue was not addressed, but just when I thought Kanye West's book deal would mean the internets would be dealing with exclamation point withdrawal, Donnie Wahlberg, aka "the bad boy" took to the boy band's blog to mollify my fears.

Hey All….

Canada? NUTS!


The UK and Europe? INSANE!

The US and Canada again???


Is your head really screwed on straight???

Is your mind really right?????

Are you absolutely sure you want to do it again??

Cuz guess what?

I AM READY!!!!!!

I am more than ready!!!!!

I was ready the day we stopped.

Here’s the thing….

We had so much fun….

Can we have more?

We let ourselves go….

Can we go further?

We pushed it to the limit….

Can we push it harder?

We got crazy…

Can we really get any crazier???????

HELL YEAH WE CAN!!!!!!!!!!!

This is your time!!!!!!

This is our time!!!!!!

It only gets better!!!!!!!!!!


I can’t even type no more…..

It’s 4 am in Amsterdam and I gotta go for a run in the sub-zero temperatures to cool off!!!!!

It’s about to get real crazy.

You’ve been warned.

Come ready or don’t come at all!!!!!!!

In 2009 we go harder.

There is too much to be down about in the world right now…..

Let’s laugh and sing and dance and hug and kiss and spread the love all the way through it!!!!

It’s our time.

Nuff said.

As Always Your Man-

Donnie W

PS- you ain’t get enough face time? You ain’t get any face time?

It’s 4AM- I don’t sleep.

Find me!!!!!


Who doesn't love a good extremely excitable short stanza post? Though I'm confused about who owns the time and what time it is-- and wish it was 2 in the morning ("Girl, whatchu wanna do?")-- I know the elder Wahlberg is the one who can fix all of the world's CRAAAAZZZZZYYYYY problems with a little laughter, song, embrace, smooch, and love. Yes, the fact that this entry was brought to us from Amsterdam is not non-noteworthy, but considering the former actor once told Crave Online, "It’s just my goal is not to be a superstar. My goal is to be super at what I do," I would say those exclamation points and the smiley face stickers of positive reinforcement he plans on giving out to fans mean the second leg of "The Block Tour" should be a crotch-grabbing, pendulum leg-swinging good time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Grammatime: Cougars and Cubs... To Your Corners

Hollywood has been full of remakes since we apparently met our cap of original ideas in 2007, but some wrinkly ladies this week have shown they are not down with younger protégées re-doing what they've already perfected.

Exhibit A: Faye Dunaway

Upon hearing the news that Hilary Duff would be reprising her Oscar-nominated role in 2010's
The Story of Bonnie and Clyde, Ms. Dunaway allegedly asked, ''Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?'' (according to The Sun-Times) Now, Faye... just because Hil began her career in the direct-to-VHS Casper Meets Wendy and her greatest achievement thus far is a tie between breaking down barriers for out-of-work actresses under 20 who smile through their pain with veneers and having her song "Come Clean" featured as the Laguna Beach theme song, that doesn't mean she's not real. H. Duff's last movie, War, Inc. was not only extremely crappy, but also titularly prophetic in that this is clearly Lizzie McGuire's biggest public catfight since she and Lindsay Lohan fought over Aaron Carter, who coincidentally resembles the latter's current lady love, Samantha Ronson. Hilary took the high road in response to Faye's comment, telling E!, “I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don’t even know who she is, so you know… I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too."

Mocking the 68-year-old actress' physical appearance is obviously the way to go. Though Hilary should really watch herself. That's quite the bold statement from a young actress who counts Agent Cody Banks,
Material Girls, and Raise Your Voice among her major film roles. But really, if we're going to take stabs at anyone's acting career, consider Kevin Zegers, the young man cast opposite Hilary's Bonnie as Clyde, who's best known for the Air Bud tetralogy (yes, that'd be four and no, I absolutely did not have to look that word up).

But from Bonnie and Clyde's criminal adventures on the screen to those described in the studio with the "'03 Bonnie and Clyde, Hov and B," I bring you...

Exhibit B: Etta James

Do not be fooled by this image of finger-pointing jest; all is not kosher between the legendary Etta James and the legendary-in-her-own-imaginary-multiple-personality-mind Beyoncé Knowles. Though Ms. James had not publicly discussed her sentiments about the young woman with the RoboCop hand's depiction of her younger self, nor her rendition of "At Last" at the first-ever Mr. Roger's Neighborhood Ball for President Obama, at a recent concert at the Boulevard Casino in British Columbia, Etta came forward with verbal guns blazing as brightly as B's legs in the "Single Ladies" video.

“You guys know your President, right?" she asked her audience in her best Leno Jaywalking segment impression. "I tell you that woman he had singing for him, singing my song, she gonna get her ass whooped… The great Beyoncé… but I can’t stand Beyoncé. She has no business up there, singing up there on a big ole’ President Day … singing my song that I’ve been singing forever." Forever is obviously a loose term considering Etta was the third person to record "At Last," after Glenn Miller and Nat King Cole. But that silly little insignificant factoid aside, Etta is obviously declaring this B-Day (copyright
Beyoncé Knowles).

Thus far,
Beyoncé hasn't retaliated. But considering Gran' Mama James is a little bit confused about the administrative calendar (po-tay-to, po-tah-to, President Day, Inauguration Day), perhaps Beyoncé can stealthily administer some sort of sneak attack. Might I suggest a torture sesh by means of a Carmen: The Hip Hopera viewing on loop as a successful approach.

The Truth Will Prebale

After hearing Christian Bale's infamous on-set rant in many forms now (the original, the remix, the remix part deux, the F*ckin Newsies trailer, and the Terminator Salvation trailer), I've come to a realization. Apparently, much like when they sing, English speakers with non-American accents sound exactly the same when they bitch you the fuck out. While there may be some points where Bale's Welsh accent becomes audible, he mainly sounds like any Jersey driver who's been cut off on the parkway or me every time those dreaded four gray block letters pop up on my television screen after 60 minutes of archip-illogical mind fuckery with JJ Abrams. I have long wondered why I can't understand the majority of Celine Dion's interviews (aurally... content's obviously another issue), but can make out every word of "Because You Loved Me." (Note: The exception, of course, is the Spice Girls' Mel B.) Fur seers, if anyone has any answers as to why everyone sounds like US citizens whilst uttering fuck-filled rants and/or romantic pop diddies, share... please.

UPDATE: E-ruminations from My Mama
(Please note in this unedited electronic message that I received from my mom, she nearly made Perez Hilton's favorite Bale-istic joke unintentionally. God bless her. Also, for reference purposes, Opera Lady Judy and Broadway Voice Coach Man are the two neighbors I'm sandwiched between who sing and play the piano apparently "professionally" whenever they wish to recreate my version of No Exit.)

Now as I recall and I'm going back way way back to my college days
sooooooo needless to say that was a very, very long time ago when I took phonetics.............
BUT I did learn that when people sing, they sing phonically and they sing the vowels phonically hence the reason for not hearing an accent.....

but if you really want to know I am certain you could ask Opera Lady Judy or Broadway Voice Coach Man and they could tell you because

PS--I have no answer for the cursing other than to guess that
when people curse, they must curse phonically as well!!!!!!!! ?????????????
Think about it---if British people said 4 letter words with a British accent they wouldn't/couldn't be curse words because it would just sound too "lovely".
I'm just sayinggggggggg-----------

PPS-Don't quote me on this b-c my phonetics professor was an asshole and probably made this shit up!!!! hahahahah BUT I'm not kidding about him--he was the meanest, scariest man and his name was Christian Bale--------JKJKJKJKJK that wasn't his name but the rest IS true!--he too would definitely have been someone to go ballistic at his mom!!

Stalkward: You Bikini Model During a Foreign Sporting Event, You Learn

What's the best way to promote your memoir when you've already revealed your anger for the actor who played Joey Gladstone via song? Posing in a string bikini and sarong whilst casually taking in a game of the martial art slash dance sport of capoeira, of course. Thanks to my minimal knowledge of Portuguese via my minimal knowledge of Spanish, but primarily, the always trustworthy, I was able to extract some information from the article accompanying this confusing Alanis Morissette image. Here's what I found:

Already it knew the capoeira, but did not know that was a fight created by the old slaves", explained, enthusiastic. "I find that this country is one of the best places of the world for be itself all the planet finished. I love the passion of the Brazilians. They are present in everything and do not they have fear of be passionate ", assured she, that does not assume a relationship since 2006, with the end of the engagement with the actor Ryan Reynolds (32), that it changed for the actress Scarlett Johansson (24).

Ah, yes. The universality of this image. Who can't relate to sentiments of old slaves, planet finished, and getting dumped? Certainly not the Brazilians. When asked if she likes to sing in Brazil, Alanis replied:

"I worship. The public is freer. It is going to see me that, despite of will speak another one language, they know all the my music. The Brazilians sometimes to remember more of mine own compositions than I (laughters). That supply that music is a universal language. It see that they lend attention to what do I say, even in another one language, is a big present."

Big presents? You mean like that cross-eyed bear or movie theater BJ that you gave to me? I worship. (laughters)

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Fashion Weak

Though it's been nearly a month since she premiered this look at the Golden Globes, Drew Barrymore (who apparently has a tongue ring now) is currently on the chick flickiest of media tours promoting He's Just Not That Into You. In conjunction with the film's title and premise, CBS asked "Dr. Drew" for dating advice. Obviously, the former wife of a man whose greatest accomplishment was "The Bum Bum Song" is an expert. I guess that's why her hair is so big-- because it's full of relationship secrets.

With gems like "I'm like a shark who somebody stuck two knives in my eyes," she's obviously well- and logically- versed in matters of the heart. Plus, she knows her speech impediments well enough to avoid similes using copious amounts of s's. Wait, I'm sorry... did she actually say "verbal gymnathtiths?"

But perhaps the greatest pearl of wisdom Ms. Barrymore bestowed upon us via Julie Chen was this: "Men build bridges. They want to get from here to there. They make it happen. They can find you. If they're not calling, they're not in! I mean, it's amazing what lengths men will go to get from here to there." When asked about her gender's relationship with overpasses, she said, "We want to decorate it and talk about how fabulous it's going to be in 30 years." Apparently to Drew, all women are prophetic Carson Kressleys.

Of course, we could blame these absolutely nonsensical love lessons on the excessive drugs and alcohol she experimented with back when the rest of did in fourth grade, but I'm going to have to go ahead and say it's the aerosol cans she likely both inhaled while spraying to secure her coiff. I do, however, appreciate the comb-over approach during the CBS interview. Perhaps it was an homage to BFF Cameron Diaz' infamous There's Something About Mary hair, but it's a bit problematic when you're resembling a look styled with semen. Juuuuust sayin'.

Rosetta Stoned

Obviously you've all seen this photo by now of dolphin boy, Michael Phelps dipping his bottlenose into a device used to smoke marijuana. But as I watched The View this morning in my masochistic activity for the day, Elisabeth Hasselbeck bitched at a pitch only audible by dogs about how the way the Olympic god acted should be met with consequences, i.e. everyone's favorite male butterface, in her valued opinion, should be stripped of his endorsement deals. Though he's sponsored by Speedo, Omega, Visa, Subway, Kellogg, Rosetta Stone, PureSport, Hilton Hotels, 505 Games, and more, so far, very few have come forward to chastise Mr. Phelps, mostly just offer their support.
  • Omega called the situation a "nonissue." (via Yahoo!)
  • Speedo maintained that Phelps is a "valued member of the Speedo team." (via Yahoo!)
  • "We continue to support Michael Phelps as an athlete whose numerous athletic feats outshine an act of regrettable behavior," Hilton Hotels said, which is only fair considering the family name is full of indiscretions. (via Yahoo!)
  • Though their contract with Phelps ended on December 31, 2008, Rosetta Stone said, "We do not condone his activities and are disappointed in his recent judgment." (via Yahoo!)
  • "We have spoken with Michael, and he has expressed regret for the situation, has committed to being accountable and improving his judgment in the future," a Visa spokesperson said. "We intend to support him as he looks to move forward."(via
I'm not really expecting to hear anything from Subway, considering they stayed tight-lipped when news broke that their head former fatty, Jared Fogle ran a high-class pornography rental ring from his college dorm room. Despite Michael's well-crafted public apology, "I promise my fans and the public-- it will not happen again," I worry about what kind of effect this will have on his mom Debbie's line of Chico's pantsuits.

Honestly, the pot-smoking porpoise's apology just should have gone something like the last 15 seconds of this:

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Behind the Scene: Lost in the Fauxmance

At first glance, this might appear to be a picture of the second stringers of Gossip Girl's real-life relationships, Ed Westwick (Chuck) and Jessica Szohr (Vanessa) making out like a three-week long fifth grade couple. But upon closer examination, the genuine star is seated (incorrectly, in my opinion) behind Jessica, who is about as good at making us believe she's enjoying that kiss as she it at making us believe she's a underprivileged Brooklynite. There's Lost's Cheech Marin, who plays David Reyes, trying to ignore the forced PDA sesh and probably still wondering why his TV son, Hurley doesn't appear to have lost a pound after an extended stay on a island that may or may not exist in our time-space continuum.

I'd like to think that this serendipitous court side seating went a bit more smoothly than America's and Jay-Z's below, perhaps leading to a
Lost/Gossip Girl crossover episode, which would likely go something like this (and is tentatively imaginarily titled, "XOXO, Jacob")...

We find out that during those 17 years Hurley was eating his feelings after his father had abandoned him, Papa Reyes was employed by the Bass family as a manservant to help rear Chuck while his father, Bart spent his time stalking his wives, participating in high class prostitution rings, and ridiculing his son's love of purple. When he wasn't watching
"Expose," David taught lil' Chuck the ways of the world and (GASP) even took him on a Camaro cruise to the Grand Canyon. Upon learning this, Hurley goes bonkers and is sent back to Santa Rosa Mental Health Institute, where he befriends Georgina Sparks, who was removed from boot camp and sent to the home of the crazies for continuing to obsess over her imaginary boyfriend Stan Gumphrey. Together, Hurley and Georgina plot against Bass Industries, a subsidiary of... dun dun dun... WIDMORE INDUSTRIES! What secrets will the mental patients unearth? Is Chuck secretly Penny's half brother? Why is Chace Crawford a paid actor? Is Nelly Yuki Miles' daughter? Is asking that question any more racist than the assumption that Miles is Dr. Chang's son because he's Asian or pulling our eyes back a la Miley Cyrus? So many questions-- I wonder if JJ Schwabrams will ever give us the answers.

Stalkward: No, This Is How You Lean Like Cholo

Ugly Betty's America Ferrera and Jay-Z sit court side and uncomfortable at an L.A. Lakers game.

Look Who's Slitting It Up Again

A day is not complete without an inappropriate photo leak from the most overexposed underage sufferer of multiple personality disorder on the planet. Usually in said images, Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus' midriff is bare, her lips are overtly pouted, her pants are non-existent, and her camera and mirror are there to encapsulate these private moments every 16-year-old attention whore on MySpace can relate to. But in today's leak, Miley not only has a whopping two layers of fabric (plus her 20-year-old boyfriend's arm) covering her usually visible boyshorts, she's also not pouting and instead, mocking the entire Asian American community. It was bad enough when the not-yet-legal Disney star went around using their signature greeting...

Now, she had to go steal their eyes? I mean, really, Miley, if you're going to cross over to the land of racially explicit photography, you could at least come up with an original approach. Spain's Olympic men's basketball team as well as their women's tennis team, the Argentinian Olympic women's soccer team, and every first grader whose recited the "Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these" rhyme have made us all tired of the slanty-eyed emphasis gesture.

Good news for the AZN, however, is that this has galvanized the association for people against finger face lifts, otherwise known as the OCA. The Asian American advocacy group executive director, George Wu says, "Not only has Miley Cyrus and the other individuals in the photograph encouraged and legitimized the taunting and mocking of people of Asian descent, she has also insulted her many Asian Pacific American fans. The inclusion of an Asian Pacific American individual in the photo does not make it acceptable." I guess next, Mr. Wu will go to Miley's homeland of Magic Kingdom and chastise after every person wearing socks and sandals, despite the likely park presence of an actual Asian.

But furreals, Miley should say she's sorry... and not with a distorted "r," especially since it's bad enough that the girl has a serious lisp.

Sacked By the Super Bowl

It's been four years since Janet Jackson's infamous nip slip lead to the coining of the term "wardrobe malfunction" during the 2004 Super Bowl. Since then, the FCC hasn't let the SB be and they've been ubercautious about what is shown during the most watched TV time slot of the year... until this year, apparently. Before Sunday's big game even kicked off, the triple X factor of the Super Bowl commenced with PETA's banned "Veggie Love" ad:

'Veggie Love': PETA's Banned Super Bowl Ad

The animal rights activists are known for their strategically clothesless celebrity print ads, but put their stills together to form a moving picture and apparently, they've gone too far. NBC ruled that the commercial "depicts a level of sexuality exceeding our standards." While it might seem that greens would be difficult to raunch up to such an extreme (especially considering a cucumber is not involved), the network's description of what was wrong with the ad was equally, if not more explicit than the 30-second segment itself. NBC claimed that "rubbing pelvic region with pumpkin," "asparagus on her lap appearing as if it is ready to be inserted into vagina," and "screwing herself with broccoli (fuzzy)" (among other concerns) all made the PETA ad too steamed-vegetabley for the airwaves. And what's the point of all this dirty veggie action (blurry), you might ask? Well, PETA claims, "Vegetarians have better sex." I wouldn't necessarily argue against that, as long as we're talking about doing produce, instead of people.

As the naughty Super Bowl festivities continued, halftime performer Bruce Springsteen decided his always tight black pants did not give the American public enough of a close-up look at his genitals and thus, decided to do a knee slide directly into the camera lens. As The Boss serenaded the football fans in Tampa, viewers at home got even more intimate with NJ's finest when he tea-bagged the entire nation.

Generally, when balls are unsuspectingly forced upon me, I don't take kindly to them. But something about Mr. Springsteen's endearing smile as he backed away from the camera he just technologically raped via old man rockstar move made the indecent exposure more charming than violating. His face said, "Shit! I just made dick to face contact with 95.4 million people in a matter of seconds. My b. ::boyish giggle::"

But perhaps the most XXX portion of Super Bowl 43 was seen only by the select group of Comcast subscribers in Tuscon, Arizona... and anyone who has access to the internets. When the game finally picked up at the end of the fourth quarter, some customers experienced something a bit more shocking than Larry Fitzgerald's touchdown. (Here's the completely NSFW clip, if you dare.) With just 2:37 left in the game, the broadcast froze on the Pittsburg Steelers' James Harrison before cutting to a half-naked female and famed porn star, Evan Stone, accompanied by a cameraman's voiceover saying, "Just slap his penis through his pants." If I had a penny for every time a sportscaster gave that commentary. And if that wasn't scarring enough for viewers of all ages, Mr. Stone then released the beast, stood up, and waved it around a bit, both outdoing The Boss and creating the most vial sound effect I can recall in recent history. As the company continues to investigate the truth behind the second close encounter viewers had with gonads for the evening, they're offering viewers who were subjected to the inappropriate clip a $10 credit, marking the first time in history anyone was mad for receiving free porn.

Stuffy, Puffy, Constipated... Cover Girls

Most Jealous Kim Cattrall Got the Lead in Mannequin: Jennifer Connelly

Most Missing the 80s Shoulderwear: Gwyneth Paltrow

Most Likely to Become BeneFiber's Spokeswoman: Mary-Kate Olsen

Fashion Weak

Chris Brown's got this appliqué where his heart used to be. I'm 99 percent sure I owned something strikingly similar to Chris Brown's shiny sequin sapphire crewneck article about two decades ago, except in hot pink, likely worn with tie-dyed leggings, and a far less of a "you want a piece?" facial expression. Either way, I do appreciate the dichotomous nature of this look. Plus, it's giving me the urge to Care Bear countdown five... four... three... two... one.