Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Penis Slip Once, Shame On You... Penis Slip Twice, Serious Shame On You

My mother updates me daily on the horrific details of the tainted peanut scandal of 2009-- my personal favorite of which was about a man whose father, a Vietnam War vet, died of Planters-related salmonella. He was apparently paid by Fox News to say something to the effect of, "The VC didn't get my dad; peanuts did."

Somehow, however, she missed this gem when CNN's Zain Verjee told "the most trusted name in new's" audience that some airlines' were making the scandalous decision to add nuts to their snack menus...
Poor Zain. The word "peanuts" is easily confused with "penis," especially considering both could be diseased unbeknownst to those connecting with them orally. However, if this wasn't just a slip of the gutter-minded reporter's tongue, I bet with her two tidbits "Northwest began serving penis this month" and "Georgia is the top penis producing state," we should expect to see a spike Northwest flights to Georgia in the next couple days.

Mr. Penis... I mean... Peanut approved.

Stalkward: Catwalk Edition

Fashion Week tends to bring together an odd smattering of celebrities, all desperate to sit front row for the first look at designer collections, which is over in a matter of minutes. And this week was no exception-- the Bryant Park tents were full of forced photo ops.

Exhibit A) Kanye West. Jared Leto, Chace Crawford, and Patrick Wilson unite at the Calvin Klein Menswear Fall 2009 fashion show on February 15, 2009.

Jordan Catalano obviously didn't get the memo that pouring peroxide on your head sort of discounts your effort to blend in via his monochromatic black ensem and matching aviators. Either that or Chace, who could easily be confused for the Madam Tussauds version of himself, just hit on him, making him super uncomf. Patrick Wilson's futile lean towards the more relevant stars is about as sad as the fact that I know him best for being quasi-castrated by Ellen Page in
Hard Candy and dancing and lip syncing to Annie Get Your Gun's "Anything You Can Do" with Claire Danes in a Gap ad. Perhaps he was trying to name drop Claire as a commanality between himself and Mr. Leto, though he's probably as disinesterated as Jordan was in her. Kanye seems completely unaware of the other people he's being photographed with because, let's face it, he's "THE NUMBER ONE HUMAN BEING!!!!!!1!!!!11!"

Exhibit B) On the same day, Mischa Barton, Minka Kelly, and Kristen Bell attended the Miss Sixty Fall 2009 fashion show.

Kristen is obvs desperate for some face considering her current claim to fame is the voice on a TV show she's too old for, but doesn't know that a scarf does not a respectable celebrate make. Mischa is trying to fake a smile since realizing removing herself from
The O.C. in a fiery car chase, thus leading to a drug binge only rivaled by Amy Winehouse in this century wasn't exactly a good career move. And Minka's about as shocked as I am that she's famous enough to sit front row at any show during Fashion Week, even one as insignificant as Miss Sixty, and that either of the women sitting next to her are relevant enough to be photographed.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The L Word: Saved By The Creek

If you asked me last week what the best recent 90s television guest appearance was, I would have easily directed you to Mary Beth Piel's appearance on Fringe. While the name might not be initially familiar, the actress better known as Evelyn "Grams" Ryan of Dawson's Creek fame, who had the same elderly affinity for sounding kind of British as did George Feeny on Boy Meets World, was often heard guiding "Jennifah" on life's most important ecclesiastical lessons. Seeing Grams and Pacey (Josh Jackson) on the same screen again certainly made my heart sing with Paula Cole's single career hit, but little did I know another former resident of Capeside was on his way back to lay down the law on a new dramatic series.

Though Kat(i)e Holmes' most recent small screen stint on Eli Stone was certainly no "On My Own" performance for talent competition for the Creek's Miss Windjammer Beauty Contest, I was absolutely shocked when I tuned into last night's episode of The L Word to find that Dylan Neal (totes his real name) who played Doug Witter, Pacey's older, gayer brother sitting scruffily next to Jessie Spano, aka Elizabeth Berkley whose only real job outside of Bayside's halls was as a catastrophic stripper in Showgirls. While Saved By The Bell alum AC Slater's (aka Mario Lopez's) return to the tube via both Kanye West's recent Meximullet and his own puntiful hosting gig on America's Best Dance Crew left much to be desired, Mama Jessie's role amongst LA's lesbitronic elite is about as amazing as whatever doctor is giving her those Botox injections. Obviously, I would have never imagined Offier Dougey and Miss Spano sitting side-by-side. But I was almost this excited...

Let's ignore the bo-ring conversation that actually transpired during the episode (Jessie plays Kelly, unfortunately not Kapowski, Bette's college mentee who she fell for and Doug is Caleb, whose role is relatively unclear besides the goatee stroking) and delve into what this 90s TV has-been and 90s TV never-was likely talked about between takes, via their fictional roles.

Jessie: Look at that tall glass of water over there.
Doug: Eh. He's alright, I guess. But my heart belongs to Jack.

Jessie: Aw. The same Jack audiences gasped to see you kiss on the series finale of Dawson's Creek?
Doug: That's the one.

Jessie: Well, that's nice to know some relationships do last. How's his sister Andie doing? Still battling issues with those anti-depressants and special tablets of ecstasy only available on the banks of Capeside, Massachusetts?
Doug: Girl, who are you to talk about substance abuse?
Jessie growls jokingly and puts up a claw.
Both laugh.

Jennifer Beals: Listen, I kind of own the teen actor-turned cinema stripper-riving her career position over here so I think you are going to have to go.
Doug: Awk-ward.

Jessie: I'm sorry, what?
Jennifer: Ya heard me.

Jessie: I'm so... scared.
Doug: Are you also excited?
Jessie: What?
Dough: Umm... nothing. Don't worry about her. She didn't even dance in Flashdance and you rocked the cut off sweatshirt way better. You look totes amaze, by the way. Have you had any work done?
Jessie's non-blinking eyes widen.
Jessie: No. You?
Doug: Bitch please. My cheeks do this naturally.
Jessie: Well, I guess we're done here. Want to grab a burger at the Max?
Doug: I guess, though I prefer the Ice House.
Jessie: Eh, it's not really as good since it burned down.
Doug: Fair enough.


Sunday, February 15, 2009

Hokey Pokey 2009: Disney Slut Stylez

For those of who aren't watching the Disney Channel religiously, A) why? and B) you may not know that people under the age of 12 and myself are counting down until April 10th, when Hannah Montana hits the big screen in a non-3D movie featuring the fierce mic stand moves of Kenny Ortega. Though the soundtrack will feature 12 new original songs (three of which start with the word, "Let's" because Hannah's really stoked to do stuff and two of which include the word "Girl" because she's also a star, just like us), by far, the best and most aptly titled is "Hoedown Throwdown."

Obviously, this is Disney's effort to create a line dance the kiddies can do, but if you can find a kindergarten who can follow this shit...

Pop it, lock it, polka-dot it
Countrify then hip-hop it
Put your arm in the sky, move side to side
Jump to the left, stick it, glide
Zig zag across the floor
Shuffle in diagonal
When the drum hits, hands on your hips
One foot in, 180 twist
And then a zig zag, step, slide, lean in left, clap three times
Shake it out, head to toe
Throw it all together that's how we roll
Do the hoedown (throwdown)
Do the hoedown (throwdown)
Do the hoedown (throwdown)
Throw it all together that's how we roll

... pimp that child out because s/he's a nonsensical dance instruction prodigy.

UPDATE: Disney Channel aired a video of the Zig Zag.

I'm equally, if not more, confused and additionally irritated by this "Boom De Clap" bidness.

What's Scarier Than Seeing Mickey Mouse Out Of Costume?


Though I obviously agree with her sentiments, seeing Dorota (played by Zuzanna Szadkowski) in her appropriately old-timey maid costume, but sounding like a soccer mom who operated a phone sex line in 1994, is immensely horrifying. Generally, I'm not a television conspiracy theorist (except when it comes to the disappearance of Judy on
Family Matters and the mom switch on Fresh Prince of Bel Air). But, as I've shared with some of you before, I’m convinced that the final shot of Gossip Girl will be from the behind the head of Blair Waldorf’s trusty maidservant, disguising her Polish accent as the show’s narrator, Kristen Bell. Sitting at her laptop, it's revealed that she's the one revealing the dirty laundry of the Upper East Siders she picks up after... And yes, I do know I love her. Ever since D referenced Facebook group searches ("I join few groups") and revealed her “I’m A Slave 4 U” ringtone for Miss Blair’s urgent calls, I have been domestically smitten. But listening to this interview, combined with the image I've come to know, trust, and strain to understand, left me feeling what I'd imagine every little goy feels when they learn there's no Santa.