The Truth Will Prebale

After hearing Christian Bale's infamous on-set rant in many forms now (the original, the remix, the remix part deux, the F*ckin Newsies trailer, and the Terminator Salvation trailer), I've come to a realization. Apparently, much like when they sing, English speakers with non-American accents sound exactly the same when they bitch you the fuck out. While there may be some points where Bale's Welsh accent becomes audible, he mainly sounds like any Jersey driver who's been cut off on the parkway or me every time those dreaded four gray block letters pop up on my television screen after 60 minutes of archip-illogical mind fuckery with JJ Abrams. I have long wondered why I can't understand the majority of Celine Dion's interviews (aurally... content's obviously another issue), but can make out every word of "Because You Loved Me." (Note: The exception, of course, is the Spice Girls' Mel B.) Fur seers, if anyone has any answers as to why everyone sounds like US citizens whilst uttering fuck-filled rants and/or romantic pop diddies, share... please.

UPDATE: E-ruminations from My Mama
(Please note in this unedited electronic message that I received from my mom, she nearly made Perez Hilton's favorite Bale-istic joke unintentionally. God bless her. Also, for reference purposes, Opera Lady Judy and Broadway Voice Coach Man are the two neighbors I'm sandwiched between who sing and play the piano apparently "professionally" whenever they wish to recreate my version of No Exit.)

Now as I recall and I'm going back way way back to my college days

sooooooo needless to say that was a very, very long time ago when I took phonetics.............

BUT I did learn that when people sing, they sing phonically and they sing the vowels phonically hence the reason for not hearing an accent.....

but if you really want to know I am certain you could ask Opera Lady Judy or Broadway Voice Coach Man and they could tell you because

I AM SURE THEY WOULD KNOW!!!!!!

haha

PS--I have no answer for the cursing other than to guess that

when people curse, they must curse phonically as well!!!!!!!! ?????????????

Think about it---if British people said 4 letter words with a British accent they wouldn't/couldn't be curse words because it would just sound too "lovely".

I'm just sayinggggggggg-----------

PPS-Don't quote me on this b-c my phonetics professor was an asshole and probably made this shit up!!!! hahahahah BUT I'm not kidding about him--he was the meanest, scariest man and his name was Christian Bale--------JKJKJKJKJK that wasn't his name but the rest IS true!--he too would definitely have been someone to go ballistic at his mom!!

XOOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Behind the Scene: Lost in the Fauxmance

At first glance, this might appear to be a picture of the second stringers of Gossip Girl's real-life relationships, Ed Westwick (Chuck) and Jessica Szohr (Vanessa) making out like a three-week long fifth grade couple. But upon closer examination, the genuine star is seated (incorrectly, in my opinion) behind Jessica, who is about as good at making us believe she's enjoying that kiss as she it at making us believe she's a underprivileged Brooklynite. There's Lost's Cheech Marin, who plays David Reyes, trying to ignore the forced PDA sesh and probably still wondering why his TV son, Hurley doesn't appear to have lost a pound after an extended stay on a island that may or may not exist in our time-space continuum.

I'd like to think that this serendipitous court side seating went a bit more smoothly than America's and Jay-Z's below, perhaps leading to a Lost/Gossip Girl crossover episode, which would likely go something like this (and is tentatively imaginarily titled, "XOXO, Jacob")...

We find out that during those 17 years Hurley was eating his feelings after his father had abandoned him, Papa Reyes was employed by the Bass family as a manservant to help rear Chuck while his father, Bart spent his time stalking his wives, participating in high class prostitution rings, and ridiculing his son's love of purple. When he wasn't watching "Expose," David taught lil' Chuck the ways of the world and (GASP) even took him on a Camaro cruise to the Grand Canyon. Upon learning this, Hurley goes bonkers and is sent back to Santa Rosa Mental Health Institute, where he befriends Georgina Sparks, who was removed from boot camp and sent to the home of the crazies for continuing to obsess over her imaginary boyfriend Stan Gumphrey. Together, Hurley and Georgina plot against Bass Industries, a subsidiary of... dun dun dun... WIDMORE INDUSTRIES! What secrets will the mental patients unearth? Is Chuck secretly Penny's half brother? Why is Chace Crawford a paid actor? Is Nelly Yuki Miles' daughter? Is asking that question any more racist than the assumption that Miles is Dr. Chang's son because he's Asian or pulling our eyes back a la Miley Cyrus? So many questions-- I wonder if JJ Schwabrams will ever give us the answers.