Though Kat(i)e Holmes' most recent small screen stint on Eli Stone was certainly no "On My Own" performance for talent competition for the Creek's Miss Windjammer Beauty Contest, I was absolutely shocked when I tuned into last night's episode of The L Word to find that Dylan Neal (totes his real name) who played Doug Witter, Pacey's older, gayer brother sitting scruffily next to Jessie Spano, aka Elizabeth Berkley whose only real job outside of Bayside's halls was as a catastrophic stripper in Showgirls. While Saved By The Bell alum AC Slater's (aka Mario Lopez's) return to the tube via both Kanye West's recent Meximullet and his own puntiful hosting gig on America's Best Dance Crew left much to be desired, Mama Jessie's role amongst LA's lesbitronic elite is about as amazing as whatever doctor is giving her those Botox injections. Obviously, I would have never imagined Offier Dougey and Miss Spano sitting side-by-side. But I was almost this excited...
Let's ignore the bo-ring conversation that actually transpired during the episode (Jessie plays Kelly, unfortunately not Kapowski, Bette's college mentee who she fell for and Doug is Caleb, whose role is relatively unclear besides the goatee stroking) and delve into what this 90s TV has-been and 90s TV never-was likely talked about between takes, via their fictional roles.
Jessie: Look at that tall glass of water over there.
Doug: Eh. He's alright, I guess. But my heart belongs to Jack.
Jessie: Aw. The same Jack audiences gasped to see you kiss on the series finale of Dawson's Creek?
Doug: That's the one.
Jessie: Well, that's nice to know some relationships do last. How's his sister Andie doing? Still battling issues with those anti-depressants and special tablets of ecstasy only available on the banks of Capeside, Massachusetts?
Doug: Girl, who are you to talk about substance abuse?
Jessie growls jokingly and puts up a claw.
Jennifer Beals: Listen, I kind of own the teen actor-turned cinema stripper-riving her career position over here so I think you are going to have to go.
Jessie: I'm sorry, what?
Jennifer: Ya heard me.
Jessie: I'm so... scared.
Doug: Are you also excited?
Dough: Umm... nothing. Don't worry about her. She didn't even dance in Flashdance and you rocked the cut off sweatshirt way better. You look totes amaze, by the way. Have you had any work done?
Jessie's non-blinking eyes widen.
Jessie: No. You?
Doug: Bitch please. My cheeks do this naturally.
Jessie: Well, I guess we're done here. Want to grab a burger at the Max?
Doug: I guess, though I prefer the Ice House.
Jessie: Eh, it's not really as good since it burned down.
Doug: Fair enough.