My mother updates me daily on the horrific details of the tainted peanut scandal of 2009-- my personal favorite of which was about a man whose father, a Vietnam War vet, died of Planters-related salmonella. He was apparently paid by Fox News to say something to the effect of, "The VC didn't get my dad; peanuts did."
Somehow, however, she missed this gem when CNN's Zain Verjee told "the most trusted name in new's" audience that some airlines' were making the scandalous decision to add nuts to their snack menus...
Poor Zain. The word "peanuts" is easily confused with "penis," especially considering both could be diseased unbeknownst to those connecting with them orally. However, if this wasn't just a slip of the gutter-minded reporter's tongue, I bet with her two tidbits "Northwest began serving penis this month" and "Georgia is the top penis producing state," we should expect to see a spike Northwest flights to Georgia in the next couple days.
Fashion Week tends to bring together an odd smattering of celebrities, all desperate to sit front row for the first look at designer collections, which is over in a matter of minutes. And this week was no exception-- the Bryant Park tents were full of forced photo ops.
Exhibit A) Kanye West. Jared Leto, Chace Crawford, and Patrick Wilson unite at the Calvin Klein Menswear Fall 2009 fashion show on February 15, 2009.
Jordan Catalano obviously didn't get the memo that pouring peroxide on your head sort of discounts your effort to blend in via his monochromatic black ensem and matching aviators. Either that or Chace, who could easily be confused for the Madam Tussauds version of himself, just hit on him, making him super uncomf. Patrick Wilson's futile lean towards the more relevant stars is about as sad as the fact that I know him best for being quasi-castrated by Ellen Page in Hard Candy and dancing and lip syncing to Annie Get Your Gun's "Anything You Can Do" with Claire Danes in a Gap ad. Perhaps he was trying to name drop Claire as a commanality between himself and Mr. Leto, though he's probably as disinesterated as Jordan was in her. Kanye seems completely unaware of the other people he's being photographed with because, let's face it, he's "THE NUMBER ONE HUMAN BEING!!!!!!1!!!!11!"
Exhibit B) On the same day, Mischa Barton, Minka Kelly, and Kristen Bell attended the Miss Sixty Fall 2009 fashion show.
Kristen is obvs desperate for some face considering her current claim to fame is the voice on a TV show she's too old for, but doesn't know that a scarf does not a respectable celebrate make. Mischa is trying to fake a smile since realizing removing herself from The O.C. in a fiery car chase, thus leading to a drug binge only rivaled by Amy Winehouse in this century wasn't exactly a good career move. And Minka's about as shocked as I am that she's famous enough to sit front row at any show during Fashion Week, even one as insignificant as Miss Sixty, and that either of the women sitting next to her are relevant enough to be photographed.
If you asked me last week what the best recent 90s television guest appearance was, I would have easily directed you to Mary Beth Piel's appearance on Fringe. While the name might not be initially familiar, the actress better known as Evelyn "Grams" Ryan of Dawson's Creek fame, who had the same elderly affinity for sounding kind of British as did George Feeny on Boy Meets World, was often heard guiding "Jennifah" on life's most important ecclesiastical lessons. Seeing Grams and Pacey (Josh Jackson) on the same screen again certainly made my heart sing with Paula Cole's single career hit, but little did I know another former resident of Capeside was on his way back to lay down the law on a new dramatic series.
Though Kat(i)e Holmes' most recent small screen stint on Eli Stone was certainly no "On My Own" performance for talent competition for the Creek's Miss Windjammer Beauty Contest, I was absolutely shocked when I tuned into last night's episode of The L Word to find that Dylan Neal (totes his real name) who played Doug Witter, Pacey's older, gayer brother sitting scruffily next to Jessie Spano, aka Elizabeth Berkley whose only real job outside of Bayside's halls was as a catastrophic stripper in Showgirls. While Saved By The Bell alum AC Slater's (aka Mario Lopez's) return to the tube via both Kanye West's recent Meximullet and his own puntiful hosting gig on America's Best Dance Crew left much to be desired, Mama Jessie's role amongst LA's lesbitronic elite is about as amazing as whatever doctor is giving her those Botox injections. Obviously, I would have never imagined Offier Dougey and Miss Spano sitting side-by-side. But I was almost this excited...
Let's ignore the bo-ring conversation that actually transpired during the episode (Jessie plays Kelly, unfortunately not Kapowski, Bette's college mentee who she fell for and Doug is Caleb, whose role is relatively unclear besides the goatee stroking) and delve into what this 90s TV has-been and 90s TV never-was likely talked about between takes, via their fictional roles. Jessie: Look at that tall glass of water over there. Doug: Eh. He's alright, I guess. But my heart belongs to Jack.
Jessie: Aw. The same Jack audiences gasped to see you kiss on the series finale of Dawson's Creek? Doug: That's the one. Jessie: Well, that's nice to know some relationships do last. How's his sister Andie doing? Still battling issues with those anti-depressants and special tablets of ecstasy only available on the banks of Capeside, Massachusetts? Doug: Girl, who are you to talk about substance abuse? Jessie growls jokingly and puts up a claw. Both laugh.
Jennifer Beals: Listen, I kind of own the teen actor-turned cinema stripper-riving her career position over here so I think you are going to have to go. Doug: Awk-ward. Jessie: I'm sorry, what? Jennifer: Ya heard me.
Jessie: I'm so... scared. Doug: Are you also excited? Jessie: What? Dough: Umm... nothing. Don't worry about her. She didn't even dance in Flashdance and you rocked the cut off sweatshirt way better. You look totes amaze, by the way. Have you had any work done? Jessie's non-blinking eyes widen. Jessie: No. You? Doug: Bitch please. My cheeks do this naturally. Jessie: Well, I guess we're done here. Want to grab a burger at the Max? Doug: I guess, though I prefer the Ice House. Jessie: Eh, it's not really as good since it burned down. Doug: Fair enough.
For those of who aren't watching the Disney Channel religiously, A) why? and B) you may not know that people under the age of 12 and myself are counting down until April 10th, when Hannah Montana hits the big screen in a non-3D movie featuring the fierce mic stand moves of Kenny Ortega. Though the soundtrack will feature 12 new original songs (three of which start with the word, "Let's" because Hannah's really stoked to do stuff and two of which include the word "Girl" because she's also a star, just like us), by far, the best and most aptly titled is "Hoedown Throwdown."
Obviously, this is Disney's effort to create a line dance the kiddies can do, but if you can find a kindergarten who can follow this shit...
Pop it, lock it, polka-dot it Countrify then hip-hop it Put your arm in the sky, move side to side Jump to the left, stick it, glide Zig zag across the floor Shuffle in diagonal When the drum hits, hands on your hips One foot in, 180 twist And then a zig zag, step, slide, lean in left, clap three times Shake it out, head to toe Throw it all together that's how we roll Do the hoedown (throwdown) Do the hoedown (throwdown) Do the hoedown (throwdown) Throw it all together that's how we roll
... pimp that child out because s/he's a nonsensical dance instruction prodigy.
UPDATE: Disney Channel aired a video of the Zig Zag.
I'm equally, if not more, confused and additionally irritated by this "Boom De Clap" bidness.
Though I obviously agree with her sentiments, seeing Dorota (played by Zuzanna Szadkowski) in her appropriately old-timey maid costume, but sounding like a soccer mom who operated a phone sex line in 1994, is immensely horrifying. Generally, I'm not a television conspiracy theorist (except when it comes to the disappearance of Judy on Family Matters and the mom switch on Fresh Prince of Bel Air). But, as I've shared with some of you before, I’m convinced that the final shot of Gossip Girl will be from the behind the head of Blair Waldorf’s trusty maidservant, disguising her Polish accent as the show’s narrator, Kristen Bell. Sitting at her laptop, it's revealed that she's the one revealing the dirty laundry of the Upper East Siders she picks up after... And yes, I do know I love her. Ever since D referenced Facebook group searches ("I join few groups") and revealed her “I’m A Slave 4 U” ringtone for Miss Blair’s urgent calls, I have been domestically smitten. But listening to this interview, combined with the image I've come to know, trust, and strain to understand, left me feeling what I'd imagine every little goy feels when they learn there's no Santa.
While you were realizing just how many Rihanna song lyrics seem to set up perfect headlines for her alleged violent vehicular encounter with I'm-going-to-guess-former boyfriend, Chris Brown ("SOS," "Disturbia," "Take A Bow," "Unfaithful," "Shut Up & Drive," and "Hate That I Love You"), the most obscure people who may or may not have ever actually met either half of the couple have been coming forward with their thoughts on their assault case. And so, I bring you the most ridiculous statements celebrities and people who are using this opportunity to become celebrities have made in response to Mr. Brown and Ms. I'll-give-anyone-$10-if-they-know-Ri's-last-name-without-Wikipedia-ing's situation.
10. After Wrigley's had one last go of airing Chris Brown's "Forever" commercial during the most cringe-worthy advertisement during the Grammy's, a second sponsor also decided to drop CB. "The Milk Mustache campaign is taking the allegations against Chris Brown very seriously," a company rep told Usmagazine.com. "We are very proud and protective of the image of the Milk Mustache campaign and the responsible message it sends to teens." Right. Is that why A Rod (or as The New York Post would refer to him, A-Roid or A-Fraud) and Christian "Think For One Fucking Second" Bale are still counted as milk mustache wearers? If you're going to take calcium-building facial hair seriously, the rules should apply universally.
9. Who better to shed some light on the darkness of this domestic abuse situation than the 19-year-old singer's former physical education instructor. "I've never known Chris to be combative," his high school gym teacher from Tappahannock, Virginia, Lyn Amos, told People. "He's always low-key, easygoing." The present use of this statement leads me to believe that Ms. Amos (who is hopefully related to Tori) was likely tracked down by People and is mistakenly referring to a different Chris Brown; either that or sometimes the suspect heads home for a game of prisoner dodge ball.
8. But besides the warm-up-suit-wearing people from his past, who better to instruct us on Chris' mild manner than his longtime wardrobe stylist who goes by a last initial, Mike B. "He's a good kid," Mr. B assured People. "He feels very bad that something like this has happened." As much as I want to believe that's true, I really can't say I trust the man who thinks he should get paid to tell someone this is a good thing to put on your body.
7. Long Island, N.Y. Radio Station WBLI invited RiRi fans across the nation to partake in their "Shred Your Ex" party, where the most bitter people in the tristate area will happily destroy Chris Brown's CDs and posters as well as other mementos, photos and letters from an exes. In addition to having ordered in an authentic wood shredder for the occasion, WBLI will also be pulling Brown's music from the station all day on Friday. "Valentine's Day should stand for love so we find it fitting to make the Friday the 13th right before Valentine's Day a day for revenge for those who were unlucky in love," Nancy Cambino, WBLI's operations manager, told CBS. "Whether you're a Rihanna fan or not, we can all empathize with being with someone who caused love to go wrong." I'm not so sure sending the message that getting hit is on par with getting dumped is the right one, but I'm going to imagine a crowd full of women with pompadours, chanting "So live your life... aye-eh, aye-eh, aye-eh." Let's hope there's video.
6. Another unnamed friend of Mr. Brown told People, "Chris really feels bad about the whole situation, about it coming out the way that it happened, the way he went about it, the way she went about it... it's just a wack situation." This statement from an anonymous FOCer (friend of Chris) tells us a few things. A) It's okay to hit someone as long as you feel bad afterwards. B) It's okay to brush off assault as "wack." C) It's okay to say "wack" again. I'm enlightened... you?
5. But who doesn't love it when relatively irrelevant celebrities take it upon themselves to comment. "I spoke to him today," T.I. said onLate Call With Carson Daly. "He cool, you know. I mean, I guess he a little concerned about his situation, but he's still the same Chris. I told him, 'This too shall pass.' People just got to remember we celebrities, we entertainers, but we still human-- all of us. Don't expect for us not to make mistakes, because we will." Besides the fact T.I. got so much swagga he don't even need helping verbs, he also knows what it's like to travel on The Road to Redemptionand make money off of one's felonies. I can only imagine what Chris Brown's approach to a mini-series about his misdemeanors would look like-- I'd picture it To Catch A Predator stylez, in which women would annoy their significant others to the point of physical abuse (because we all know they usually are asking for it) and then Mr. Brown would walk in as the Domestic Abuse Vigilante, offering the attacker a stick of Wrigley's.
4. On that note of the abused playing equal if not more of a role in their attack, I bring you my second wisest Phylicia on the planet, after Ms. Rashad, of course. "Everybody loved Chris," Phylicia Thompson, the R & B artist's cousin told Extra!, who was obviously so lost for words that she wound up quoting a different famous Chris' TV show title. "Chris was not brought up...to beat on a woman. So it had to be something to provoke him for Chris to do it. He wouldn't have done it just to be having fun." After all, what's more fun than domestic abuse? Let me know if you come up with something.
3. It's been five days since news first broke of the violent end to Chris and Rihanna's relationship. That's just enough time for Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis to finish up his house arrest and joke about abusing women. Outside an LA club with Kourtney Kardashian, TMZ caught Joe saying, "I'm gonna go Chris Brown on her ass right now." Too soon? Mr. Francis thinks not... and his moral compass is usually set due north.
2. Since Rihanna was a staple on Kanye West's Glow in the Dark tour, there really isn't anyone more qualified than this list's second celebrity to shed some neon light on this situation. “I was completely devastated by the concept of what I heard to the point that I was completely devastated during my 'American Boy' performance," Mr. West, who recently adopted AC Slater's mullet, told KISS FM. In one sentence, he managed to both express his feelings on his former tourmate's alleged attack and preemptively defend his Grammy performance, should the critics have mocked him for it. What a word smith that man is. "I don’t care how famous she is or if she just worked at McDonald’s," Kanye went on to say, "that should never happen." And with that shout-out, Kanye filled his quota to his biggest fan club, "Girls Who Wear Their Names in Gold-Plated Hoops While Serving Up McFlurries and Listening to 'Gold Digger.'"
1. As for the top moment, someone had to say it and I'm glad it was the star of Hustle & Flow. "It's just life, man," Terrence Howard told Hollywood.TV. "Chris is a great guy. He'll be all right. And Rihanna knows he loves her." And that's why he beat her... to say he loves her. Um... duh. Seriously, cut the guy some slack. I mean, it's just about as hard out here for an abusive boyfriend as it is for a pimp... when he tryin' to get this money for the rent. For the Cadillacs and gas money spent... cause a whole lotta bitches jumpin' ship. Because those bitches are both pirates and have to hide their black eyes. Good thing Rihanna's is bedazzled already! Thanks, Aretha.
It seems like only yesterday we were watching the original Total Request Live host uncomfortably fist pump Juvenile one day and slip into his Vans to interview The Offspring the next without a woo-ing studio audience of tweens to support him. With November bringing TRL to its close after a decade-long run, I thought I would never hear about Fred Durst's oral fixations on former pop princesses, listen to another Eminem song about his custody battle for Hailey, or see the crystallized image of Mark Hoppus' genitals ever again... but this week proved me wrong.
Mr. Hoppus, a still-maimed Travis Barker, and fellow originator of the ever-popular and masculine lip ring, Tom DeLonge appeared at the Grammy's this past Sunday to tell the world something special...
"We used to play music together, and we decided we're going to play music together again," the gimpy one told the crowd. Just to make things clear, Mark yelled, "Blink-182 is back!" Well, slap my chain wallet, stencil my neck tattoo, and serenade me with four-syllable lyrical stanzas. But while you were slipping into your banana suit...
Another TRL classic late 90s/early 00s rock band decided to also reemerge. Did someone order a chocolate starfish or some hot dog-flavored water? Because Fred Durst is apparently serving it up again. "We decided we were more disgusted and bored with the state of heavy popular music than we were with each other," the group said in a joint statement. "Regardless of where our separate paths have taken us, we recognize there is a powerful and unique energy with this particular group of people we have not found anywhere else. This is why Limp Bizkit is back." Who doesn't look back on the success of "Nookie" as a peak moment in music's creative bell curve chart? If the popularity of sticking cookies up one's ass is any indication, I'd say next to no one. Seriously though, it's taken me almost 10 years to get over my nightmares about Limp's guitarist Wes Borland's monochromatic black contacts.
Together, he and Fred look like an uncute version of a Capuchin from Monkey Trouble.
And in the final part of the 2009 TRL trifecta of the second week of February, Eminem aka Slim Shady aka Marshall Mathers is back on top with "Crack A Bottle." As the bleached blonde says in his follow-up to classics like "My Name Is..." and "Stan," "The platinum trio's back on you hos." Of course, he's referencing Dr. Dre and Fiddy Cent, but I'd like to look at it as a prophetic remark on this moment in history with Limp and Blink.
Now if only Dream would reunite.
UPDATE: Ask and ye shall receive apparently... but in a cheap Chinatown imitation version. Much to my surprise, Oh No They Didn'ttoday posted a video of Dream covering Britney Spears' "If U Seek Amy," except the group now only performs in fanciful master bathroom venues and has all but two members, none of whom are the pretty one, busted one, blonde one, or short-haired one from the original group and one of whom was my personal favorite contestant on American Idol's single-season kiddie spin-off, American Juniors, Jordan McCoy. Despite the fact that even powder room acoustics can't help this shit sound good and the fact that I know sequels generally do not surpass the original (except Grease 2 and Sister Act II: Back in the Habit, obvs), I may or may not be a little bit looking forward to this.
Most Likely To Be Arrested For Forcing Her Toddler To Take Upskirt Photos of Her For Publicity: Tori Spelling, author of sTori Telling and the soon-to-be released, Mommywood
Most Ridiculous Body Post Three Births... And All She Got Was This Wonky Eye: Heidi Klum on the German cover of GQ
Most Likely To Snort Herself Into Becoming Courtney Love's Doppleganger: Mary-Kate Olsen for Interview
Mr. Penis... I mean... Peanut approved.
