Thursday, February 5, 2009

Grammatime: Cougars and Cubs... To Your Corners

Hollywood has been full of remakes since we apparently met our cap of original ideas in 2007, but some wrinkly ladies this week have shown they are not down with younger protégées re-doing what they've already perfected.

Exhibit A: Faye Dunaway

Upon hearing the news that Hilary Duff would be reprising her Oscar-nominated role in 2010's
The Story of Bonnie and Clyde, Ms. Dunaway allegedly asked, ''Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?'' (according to The Sun-Times) Now, Faye... just because Hil began her career in the direct-to-VHS Casper Meets Wendy and her greatest achievement thus far is a tie between breaking down barriers for out-of-work actresses under 20 who smile through their pain with veneers and having her song "Come Clean" featured as the Laguna Beach theme song, that doesn't mean she's not real. H. Duff's last movie, War, Inc. was not only extremely crappy, but also titularly prophetic in that this is clearly Lizzie McGuire's biggest public catfight since she and Lindsay Lohan fought over Aaron Carter, who coincidentally resembles the latter's current lady love, Samantha Ronson. Hilary took the high road in response to Faye's comment, telling E!, “I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don’t even know who she is, so you know… I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too."

Mocking the 68-year-old actress' physical appearance is obviously the way to go. Though Hilary should really watch herself. That's quite the bold statement from a young actress who counts Agent Cody Banks,
Material Girls, and Raise Your Voice among her major film roles. But really, if we're going to take stabs at anyone's acting career, consider Kevin Zegers, the young man cast opposite Hilary's Bonnie as Clyde, who's best known for the Air Bud tetralogy (yes, that'd be four and no, I absolutely did not have to look that word up).

But from Bonnie and Clyde's criminal adventures on the screen to those described in the studio with the "'03 Bonnie and Clyde, Hov and B," I bring you...

Exhibit B: Etta James

Do not be fooled by this image of finger-pointing jest; all is not kosher between the legendary Etta James and the legendary-in-her-own-imaginary-multiple-personality-mind Beyoncé Knowles. Though Ms. James had not publicly discussed her sentiments about the young woman with the RoboCop hand's depiction of her younger self, nor her rendition of "At Last" at the first-ever Mr. Roger's Neighborhood Ball for President Obama, at a recent concert at the Boulevard Casino in British Columbia, Etta came forward with verbal guns blazing as brightly as B's legs in the "Single Ladies" video.

“You guys know your President, right?" she asked her audience in her best Leno Jaywalking segment impression. "I tell you that woman he had singing for him, singing my song, she gonna get her ass whooped… The great Beyoncé… but I can’t stand Beyoncé. She has no business up there, singing up there on a big ole’ President Day … singing my song that I’ve been singing forever." Forever is obviously a loose term considering Etta was the third person to record "At Last," after Glenn Miller and Nat King Cole. But that silly little insignificant factoid aside, Etta is obviously declaring this B-Day (copyright
Beyoncé Knowles).

Thus far,
Beyoncé hasn't retaliated. But considering Gran' Mama James is a little bit confused about the administrative calendar (po-tay-to, po-tah-to, President Day, Inauguration Day), perhaps Beyoncé can stealthily administer some sort of sneak attack. Might I suggest a torture sesh by means of a Carmen: The Hip Hopera viewing on loop as a successful approach.

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