Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Sacked By the Super Bowl

It's been four years since Janet Jackson's infamous nip slip lead to the coining of the term "wardrobe malfunction" during the 2004 Super Bowl. Since then, the FCC hasn't let the SB be and they've been ubercautious about what is shown during the most watched TV time slot of the year... until this year, apparently. Before Sunday's big game even kicked off, the triple X factor of the Super Bowl commenced with PETA's banned "Veggie Love" ad:

'Veggie Love': PETA's Banned Super Bowl Ad

The animal rights activists are known for their strategically clothesless celebrity print ads, but put their stills together to form a moving picture and apparently, they've gone too far. NBC ruled that the commercial "depicts a level of sexuality exceeding our standards." While it might seem that greens would be difficult to raunch up to such an extreme (especially considering a cucumber is not involved), the network's description of what was wrong with the ad was equally, if not more explicit than the 30-second segment itself. NBC claimed that "rubbing pelvic region with pumpkin," "asparagus on her lap appearing as if it is ready to be inserted into vagina," and "screwing herself with broccoli (fuzzy)" (among other concerns) all made the PETA ad too steamed-vegetabley for the airwaves. And what's the point of all this dirty veggie action (blurry), you might ask? Well, PETA claims, "Vegetarians have better sex." I wouldn't necessarily argue against that, as long as we're talking about doing produce, instead of people.

As the naughty Super Bowl festivities continued, halftime performer Bruce Springsteen decided his always tight black pants did not give the American public enough of a close-up look at his genitals and thus, decided to do a knee slide directly into the camera lens. As The Boss serenaded the football fans in Tampa, viewers at home got even more intimate with NJ's finest when he tea-bagged the entire nation.

Generally, when balls are unsuspectingly forced upon me, I don't take kindly to them. But something about Mr. Springsteen's endearing smile as he backed away from the camera he just technologically raped via old man rockstar move made the indecent exposure more charming than violating. His face said, "Shit! I just made dick to face contact with 95.4 million people in a matter of seconds. My b. ::boyish giggle::"

But perhaps the most XXX portion of Super Bowl 43 was seen only by the select group of Comcast subscribers in Tuscon, Arizona... and anyone who has access to the internets. When the game finally picked up at the end of the fourth quarter, some customers experienced something a bit more shocking than Larry Fitzgerald's touchdown. (Here's the completely NSFW clip, if you dare.) With just 2:37 left in the game, the broadcast froze on the Pittsburg Steelers' James Harrison before cutting to a half-naked female and famed porn star, Evan Stone, accompanied by a cameraman's voiceover saying, "Just slap his penis through his pants." If I had a penny for every time a sportscaster gave that commentary. And if that wasn't scarring enough for viewers of all ages, Mr. Stone then released the beast, stood up, and waved it around a bit, both outdoing The Boss and creating the most vial sound effect I can recall in recent history. As the company continues to investigate the truth behind the second close encounter viewers had with gonads for the evening, they're offering viewers who were subjected to the inappropriate clip a $10 credit, marking the first time in history anyone was mad for receiving free porn.

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